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Posted by: Tom Martens, Friday, August 19, 2011, 4:08am
We are planning to go out of town to my in-laws home next weekend and my bother in-law has stated that I will have to bring my own food to eat if a home cooked meal is prepared.... beacause of ERFYT.

I had not asked for anything special at all.  My wife had just called to confirm everything and this came up out of the blue.

My first thought was to not go and not deal with any of the BS, even if I bought or brought my own food.

I could really care less about going with the attitude I'm getting.

The only thing at this point about the whole deal is for my daughter.  I don't get to see her as much since I work second shift.  She would still have to witness the strife of this situation so I don't know if either choice is constructive.

Posted by: brinyskysail, Friday, August 19, 2011, 4:13am; Reply: 1
I take my own food everywhere I go, always.  Don't let anyone get the best of you.  I would just take my own food and act like it is totally natural.  If anyone says anything, tell them the truth - whatever ER4YT is personally for you.  If you really were planning on eating whatever was served, then just go with that.  There's no sense in letting a healthy lifestyle cause unhealthy relationships.
Posted by: ABJoe, Friday, August 19, 2011, 4:18am; Reply: 2
I say take the food you want to eat and go...  

I flew out of state, rented a car, borrowed an ice chest from family, went to some stores to purchase what we needed and went to have a good time.  We shared kitchen time and it was totally worth the time spent with family.  I was having some interesting symptoms at the time, so it was pretty obvious that I needed to maintain as much stability as possible.
Posted by: Mark, Friday, August 19, 2011, 4:23am; Reply: 3
Be who you are.  Those who mind don't matter, those who matter won't mind.

Really great quote BTW. ;)
Posted by: brinyskysail, Friday, August 19, 2011, 4:25am; Reply: 4
Quoted from Mark
Be who you are.  Those who mind don't matter, those who matter won't mind.

Really great quote BTW. ;)


caught my eye too ;)
Posted by: passionprincess, Friday, August 19, 2011, 5:02am; Reply: 5
I would take my own food. I am so sorry you are being treated like that.

I am bringing kefir grains when I visit my parents in L.A. That way, I can have my daily kefir and leave the grains for my parents. My parents, though, are very supportive of my eating habits after seeing my progress. My dad is planning on doing a candida cleanse, as well...

I hope that your in-laws will be my sympathetic and generous towards you. Try and enjoy time with your family. Your daughter will have a deeper understanding of the dynamics once she gets older and will realize how much you sacrificed just to spend time with family.
Posted by: Drea, Friday, August 19, 2011, 5:04am; Reply: 6
If you are going for your daughter, I say go...for your daughter. Kids are only kids for as long as they are kids. You can't get that time back with her (I know from experience).
Posted by: Victoria, Friday, August 19, 2011, 5:17am; Reply: 7
Funny, I'm faced with the same decision (to go or not go), but with slightly different circumstances and different frictions.

My own personal conclusion is that for me, the important issue is whether or not I can go with a happy heart and a peaceful mind.  I will not/would not go if I was a loaded gun just waiting for someone to push my button.  If I can get my own self into a state of harmony and dignity, I will go and everyone else can do/say/think whatever they are going to do/say/think.  I will remember that whatever they come up with, it's about them and has nothing to do with me.  It's their issues!  (naughty)
Posted by: cajun, Friday, August 19, 2011, 5:41am; Reply: 8
Great attitude, Victoria! I like that!
I say go with head held high, smile on face, joi de vivre in your heart, and your own "l'attitude".......let them be the ones with problems if they so choose! ;)
Posted by: PCUK-Positive, Friday, August 19, 2011, 11:04am; Reply: 9
any time spent with your daughter is worth it but as Victoria says do it with pleasure and keep the food low key.

perhaps take the chance to arrange some more time with your daughter if you can anyway
Posted by: 10809 (Guest), Friday, August 19, 2011, 11:25am; Reply: 10
I would take everyone else's advice and go. I like this saying too so I will repeat it.
Be who you are.  Those who mind don't matter, those who matter won't mind.
Posted by: Goldie, Friday, August 19, 2011, 11:42am; Reply: 11
PC ... I have to face that situation every weekend.. either it's being with family and a big smörgåsbord.. or stay home.. or eat before I go and then use every bit of self control and look past the food.

YOU are being given on offer to show who the healthy person in the family is.  THE mind is all we have.. but we all obsess to much about the other person.. LOOK at your own reaction to a life situation and ask your own self, ARE you emotionally healthy?  the answer is -----  not likely.. I know what I am saying.. I am often not healthy and it shows in the way I strut, or walk, or feel defeated.. and the others see that long before I even walk into a room.  

I think the way to go there - is to be sure that you are doing the right thing for YOU - Be proud of YOU! and allow others their 'opinions'..

It's like politics.. I am on the other side of 'their' believes.. I learned to get over it, because I know that they are good people, so have no need of MY judgment against them... Religion, similar issues..

Yet the better I feel - the better the relationship. --- It starts with me.

I wish for you to go, but only if you can go with your food proudly carried on your shoulders.. placing it in a corner, being proud to cook and share it, setting boundaries, with your first step into the kitchen.. and flowers in the other hand..

I would make my foods all the most common foods others would be pleased to eat at your party, Let them WISH they could eat the way you do.. hahah  

But truly.. it might be a sign of RESPECT that they (finally) where open and honest ahead of time, worth the benefit of doubt..

MEDITATE!!! and repeat all day.. no worry no hurry.. no worry no..... or recite the serenity prayer:  
Posted by: Easy E, Friday, August 19, 2011, 1:12pm; Reply: 12
I'm not sure of the whole story.  Maybe it is an adjustment for them too.  If it were me, i would go and bring my food.  They probably don't know what you know about bloodtypes, genotypes, and food.
Posted by: O in Virginia, Friday, August 19, 2011, 1:27pm; Reply: 13
I would take my own food and go.  I'm sure there is a back story here, but don't let your brother in law's apparent hostility toward BTD (which should come as no particular shock to you, or to any of us who do this, as so many people feel threatened by what they do not understand, you know that) deter you.  Perhaps if he watches you eat "your" food he will see that you are not eating very weird things - who knows what he envisions - and you can slowly draw him in to an attitude of acceptance, and who knows...maybe he will give BTD a try himself some day.  If BTD is a cover for some other underlying hostility between you, then that is what needs to be addressed.  Or avoided.  Just my two cents.
Posted by: SandrAruba, Friday, August 19, 2011, 2:13pm; Reply: 14
Quoted from Mark
Be who you are.  Those who mind don't matter, those who matter won't mind.

Really great quote BTW. ;)


Totally agree with this. Those who can't accept you for the fact that you have a need for special foods aren't worth the time and effort. Those who care about you will accept you and love to have you there. (perhaps make an odd joke or two)
Posted by: grey rabbit, Friday, August 19, 2011, 2:15pm; Reply: 15
I agree, go with a happy heart, act like it is perfectly natural for you to bring your own food, don't allow food to be the focus of the trip. Also, I'd really treat myself well if I were you, since you are an O I'd bring filet mignon!
Posted by: geminisue, Friday, August 19, 2011, 2:54pm; Reply: 16
Yes, Go!

This BIL, might not have known how to say it differently, to let you know family is worried, about you getting the food that is right for you, so casually said you need to bring your own if home cooking is going to happen.  Sounds like there will also, be meals out, where you can pick what you normally eat, anyways.

Maybe, were just too sensitive, and know people don't understand our way of eating.

Relax, enjoy the visit, enjoy the time with your wife and daughter and know they are enjoying time with their side of the family.
Posted by: Spazcat, Friday, August 19, 2011, 3:00pm; Reply: 17
I think I would go if it were just the food issue, heaven knows I have been bringing food with me everywhere for ages.....even when not doing BTD just so my kids and I could have something wholesome on hand.  

However, if there is more going on than that, if you don't feel you can do this without it draining you or building more hostility in the family, then that needs to be considered.  No one needs more stress in their lives.  If you can go in there confidently, knowing what you know, at peace with that, willing to share if/when asked, AND able to relax and enjoy yourselves a bit then go for it.  
Posted by: Debra+, Friday, August 19, 2011, 3:16pm; Reply: 18
Wonderful advice above Tom.  I, also, take my food everywhere I go.  Even out of town for a few hours.  Tom...if we don't take care of ourselves...who else is going to do it?  We know how we feel on foods that are not compliant.  I like to feel the best I can and if it means lugging around my food in a cooler everywhere...so be it.  It is also less stress for the others that don't follow BTD/GTD...this way...they don't have to worry about you and if they got your foods right?  And...you are still planting seeds.  :D

And remember...someone can only make you feel less than you are only if you let them.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion as each of us has our own individuality and circumstances that we've experienced through life.   If you don't like the other persons opinion...walk away.   There is LOVE and there is Fear.  I choose LOVE.

Be impeccable with your word,
Don't assume,
Don't take things personally,
Always do your best
Be skeptical, but learn to listen.
Don Miguel Ruiz

Wherever you go...there you are.  It's up to you on how you feel.

(((((Big hugs)))))

Debra :)
Posted by: RedLilac, Friday, August 19, 2011, 3:25pm; Reply: 19
Go and show them how easy and delicious it really is to eat according to this lifestyle.  Maybe they will want to try some of your food.
Posted by: Jane, Friday, August 19, 2011, 3:49pm; Reply: 20
Just bring your own food and don't let it get to you.  Perhaps they are just concerned that they'll be criticized if they cook something you can't eat.  Don't let it build into something that becomes a problem.
Posted by: ruthiegirl, Friday, August 19, 2011, 4:13pm; Reply: 21
I admire their honesty. Instead of trying to accomodate you, failing, and then getting defensive if you won't eat what they prepared, they're telling you straight out: "Bring your own food. We'll give you space to prepare it, and we won't be insulted. "

I think this is going to lead to a much more harmonious visit in the long run. Trust me, it's VERY awkward when somebody goes out of their way to try and accomodate your dietary needs, and only get it partly right. Then you're faced with a dillemma- eat the food anyway, even though it might make you sick, or not eat it and insult the hosts. Or there's only one item you can eat, but since it's shared food, somebody else finishes it, not realizing there's nothing else safe for you.

I don't know what their actual intentions were when telling you to bring your own  food, but this is how I think you should "hear" it. They respect your dietary needs so much that they're afraid to  "mess it up."  They care too much about your health to take on a responsibility they're not sure they can meet.

Once you're actually cooking in their kitchen, you may end up cooking together, sharing menu ideas, and you may not end up eating completely separate foods from them for every meal. Or you may end up eating leftovers when they heat up frozen pizzas. Whatever. You're in charge of your own food, you have permission to use their kitchen, and everything's cool.
Posted by: Joy, Friday, August 19, 2011, 4:21pm; Reply: 22
Oh, go and enjoy yourself.  Treat the subject like politics and religion.  

The first time I read that quote I also thought it was something to remember and act upon in life.
"Those who mind don't matter, those who matter won't mind."  Great!!!!

You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.

Start packing!!!


Joy
Posted by: Lin, Friday, August 19, 2011, 7:49pm; Reply: 23
Tom, I hope you find you feel comfortable about going and take your food and at the same time you can see what they have that works but not feel pressure to eat the same.  Focus on the social aspect and those people you want to see. I love the way Victoria expressed it, you need to feel happy about going.  If not find an excuse so that maybe next time when you get the invite you'll feel more up to the situation.
good luck, Lin
Posted by: Chloe, Friday, August 19, 2011, 7:51pm; Reply: 24
Yes, I would go....bring my own food....have the attitude that keeping the peace, enjoying myself,
being with my family was the most important thing. I would not perceive the poorly stated directive
of your BIL as a bullied command or one of threatening intention.

I'm sure there is more to the story.....something more to your relationship with your brother in law.
But in the end....don't take this personally.  The way people speak to you isn't about you...it's about
them.  I like what Joy said..."treat the subject like politics and religion"....

Go!

And have a good time. :)
Posted by: Debra+, Friday, August 19, 2011, 8:48pm; Reply: 25
Pretty well everyone who has been doing BTD/GTD has been through something like this "What would you do?" thread at one time or another.   I LOVE how this BTD/GTD family has the LOVE.  

I think everyone will agree this is a thread worth sticking.  Done.

Debra :)  

  
Posted by: Easy E, Friday, August 19, 2011, 9:16pm; Reply: 26
If you never do this you will always feel a tension within yourself.  Your needs are important.  Maybe in the beginning they will not know what to think and say stuff, but if you keep doing it, it will be nothing new.
Posted by: brinyskysail, Friday, August 19, 2011, 9:26pm; Reply: 27
Quoted from Easy E
If you never do this you will always feel a tension within yourself.  Your needs are important.  Maybe in the beginning they will not know what to think and say stuff, but if you keep doing it, it will be nothing new.


I've come to realize that there is only 1 thing I have done in my life that I regret; I much more often regret the things I haven't done than the things I have done, no matter the outcome.  I always remind myself of that when making decisions.
Posted by: deblynn3, Friday, August 19, 2011, 9:41pm; Reply: 28
I spent a long weekend this spring, with friends. I took our food, plus snacks, drinks. I also premade a sweet potato shepherd's pie. enough for everyone. I got no complaints. Of Course I didn't know everyone's blood type, but my point was our food it good and really isn't weird. Next time I'm going to make cookies. Eat your heart out folks.
Posted by: Goldie, Friday, August 19, 2011, 10:37pm; Reply: 29
Ok after the visit, let us know how it went..  ;D
Posted by: Victoria, Saturday, August 20, 2011, 1:37am; Reply: 30
If you want to be a part of their lives, they might as well have the chance to get used to you the way you are.   :-/
Posted by: Tom Martens, Saturday, August 20, 2011, 4:46am; Reply: 31
Thanks everyone for your thoughts.  My first mental response to a situation like this one is the knee jerk, solve the problem quick and easy and be done with it- type thing.

I guess what made me upset is that they have known me for a very long time and known that I eat a certain way.

I'll be going at this point. :-/


Thanks again,

Tom
Posted by: Victoria, Saturday, August 20, 2011, 5:41am; Reply: 32
Be Happy (sunny) Be Happy  

         (hehe)
Posted by: brinyskysail, Saturday, August 20, 2011, 6:24am; Reply: 33
I love Vegan Joe's signature, and I think it fits the current situation (or any situation, really)

Quoted Text
Happiness is a personal choice.
I am the sole source of all my sadness and joy.
Posted by: Debra+, Saturday, August 20, 2011, 1:42pm; Reply: 34
Quoted from Tom Martens
Thanks everyone for your thoughts.  My first mental response to a situation like this one is the knee jerk, solve the problem quick and easy and be done with it- type thing.

I guess what made me upset is that they have known me for a very long time and known that I eat a certain way.

I'll be going at this point. :-/
(clap)(clap)(dance)(dance)(woot)(woot)


Thanks again,

Tom



Debra :)
Posted by: Goldie, Monday, August 22, 2011, 12:51pm; Reply: 35
and after let us know how it went????  ??) ;D
Posted by: Debra+, Monday, August 22, 2011, 2:43pm; Reply: 36
Hope you had a wonderful time with your family Tom.   :D


Debra :)
Posted by: Tom Martens, Tuesday, September 6, 2011, 5:42am; Reply: 37
As it turned out, my wife became ill and we had to scap the whole trip.  We didn't want to get any of the in-laws sick, especially the kids.

Oddly enough, the same in-laws came up this past weekend for the Labor Day weekend and one of their kids was running a fever.  I didn't like the idea that my daughter was going to be playing with her cousin but my wife didn't want to cause any trouble by not showing up.  My daughter has became ill just about every time these in-laws visit with a sick kid.  Sure enough, my daughter became ill and has a fever of her own now. ::)
Posted by: brinyskysail, Tuesday, September 6, 2011, 7:03am; Reply: 38
Hoping she gets better soon :K)
Posted by: chrissyA, Tuesday, September 6, 2011, 9:48pm; Reply: 39
In-laws... ::)
Posted by: Goldie, Wednesday, October 12, 2011, 6:22am; Reply: 40
The only good thing about that visit, is that, temperature in my way of seeing things often heals other stuff..
Posted by: 14442 (Guest), Thursday, October 13, 2011, 2:32am; Reply: 41
All I can think is, why are they being so rude about your diet?  And also, not to be criticial, but why do they know about it and why weren't they willing to make a compromise?  Family.   ::)
Posted by: yaeli, Saturday, October 15, 2011, 11:28pm; Reply: 42
Quoted from Tom Martens
As it turned out, my wife became ill and we had to scap the whole trip.  We didn't want to get any of the in-laws sick, especially the kids.

Oddly enough, the same in-laws came up this past weekend for the Labor Day weekend and one of their kids was running a fever.  I didn't like the idea that my daughter was going to be playing with her cousin but my wife didn't want to cause any trouble by not showing up.  My daughter has became ill just about every time these in-laws visit with a sick kid.  Sure enough, my daughter became ill and has a fever of her own now. ::)


There is no quick solution for this one...  ::) The issue won't go away by itself, it is worth while for all to bring it to the open...

All this is actually an invitation for you and an opportunity to relfect (further?) on including the larger family (vs. the immediate family) in your lives, letting the relationships open, letting your in-laws in and making them your own flesh and blood.

Posted by: Peppermint Twist, Friday, May 24, 2013, 4:00pm; Reply: 43
Edited to add:  the post below was typed before I read the entire thread--my bad!   ;D  See my p.s. post for updated musings, based on a reading of the entire saga versus just the original post.

I'm in the minority here:  I say that your bro-in-law sounds like a jerk and therefore don't go.

But this is a case of "those who can't, teach" (a saying which I despise, btw--the best teachers are those who CAN, have, and DO  ;D ), since I let my sister walk all over me every summer when she and her fam are down here visiting.  She doesn't respect me at all and I don't do anything about it, to keep the peace.  I should take my own advice.  That said, with full disclosure of my hypocrisy, I say:  don't go, as bro-in-law sounds like he is hostile towards you.
Posted by: Peppermint Twist, Friday, May 24, 2013, 4:16pm; Reply: 44
P.S.  Well, now that I read the whole thread and not just the OP, I see that you decided to go, one, and then, two, the whole trip was scrapped due to forces beyond your control.  Well, you had some great input here from everyone, both pro and con.  Every situation is different, every family is different (mine is REALLY different  :o ;D), so, just like with diet, what is best for one individual won't be best for another.  Like I said, I go through a version of this every time I'm around my sister, although as far as diet, I've got it pretty well down to a science now.  Actually, as far as everything else, I'm doing way better with it than I used to.  But STILL, it takes it outta me, every time.

As far as diet, I put nothing in my mouth that I don't want to.  If we are at a restaurant where I can eat nothing, I simply eat nothing.  I might get an iced tea w/lemon (even that is iffy at some establishments!).  If it bugs anyone or anyone has something to say about it, tough.  I am always graceful and pleasant about it and, therefore, I don't feel that anyone should have a prob with however I eat or don't eat, and if they do, it is their problem.

The only social sitches in which I still struggle are those rare times (luckily, I don’t have much of a life, so this doesn’t come up much *lol*) when someone makes something especially for ME and it is full of avoids and something I really don’t want to eat, and yet to not eat it would hurt their feelings.  IF they don’t know about my diet and/or are ignorant about certain things and really well-meaning, I will sometimes eat it.  But if they, like for example my co-workers, have known about my diet since, oh, I don’t know, 1999, and they still insist on giving me carrot cake and/or mint chip ice cream on my b-day because those do happen to be my fave cake (actually, spice cake is my fave cake, but carrot is a close second) and ice cream, then NO, sorry:  I CAN’T EAT ANY OF THAT.  “Oh, but wasn’t it considerate that they brought all your faves?”  Um, only unless you consider it considerate when a recovering alcoholic’s friends bring all her fave DRINKS to her b-day party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Basically:  I’ve gotten a LOT more assertive, albeit in a very gentle, graceful, classy way, if I do say so myself, about eating and not eating what I want, when I want, PERIOD.  Anyone who doesn’t like it can go stuff a wheat lectin somewhere…anywhere other than in my mouth!
Posted by: Victoria, Friday, May 24, 2013, 7:37pm; Reply: 45
Quoted from Peppermint Twist

As far as diet, I put nothing in my mouth that I don't want to.  If we are at a restaurant where I can eat nothing, I simply eat nothing.  I might get an iced tea w/lemon (even that is iffy at some establishments!).  If it bugs anyone or anyone has something to say about it, tough.  I am always graceful and pleasant about it and, therefore, I don't feel that anyone should have a prob with however I eat or don't eat, and if they do, it is their problem.

Basically:  I’ve gotten a LOT more assertive, albeit in a very gentle, graceful, classy way, if I do say so myself, about eating and not eating what I want, when I want, PERIOD.


Yes to this!   :D
Posted by: shoulderblade, Friday, May 24, 2013, 8:20pm; Reply: 46
Quoted from Jane
Just bring your own food and don't let it get to you.  Perhaps they are just concerned that they'll be criticized if they cook something you can't eat.  Don't let it build into something that becomes a problem.


I would agree with this. Now that you have been "confronted" you may as well play along and keep a low profile.

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