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BTD Forums  /  Nonnie Clubhouse  /  My Anxiety Disorder
Posted by: 521 (Guest), Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 2:36am
I went to see a therapist yesterday and, apparently, I have a severe anxiety condition that might qualify me for disability status.  This is good news for me, as I've always found much of my general experience in life to be colored by a lens of extreme anxiety... I oftentimes have a hard time feeling comfortable around people, and it most often translates into a general demeanor of extreme agitation.

My moods go from extreme anxiety to extreme exhaustion from the anxiety, and then I require lots of sleep and solitude and, occasionally, if my situation seems positive, my normal anxiety turns to a kind of overoptimistic mania.

Through my lens of anxiety, I perceive most of the people around me as perfect robots who never lose their composure; against that, I just don't fit in, and I'm through trying and only ending up failing and feeling like a societal inferior.  Since I've had to accept inferior status in society -- I can't get hired, I can't pay off my student loan debts, I can't have a relationship or any of the other things that are a bedrock of a happy life in modern culture -- I might as well benefit from it, and get special allowances.

If I can qualify for disability, you better believe I'm going to take it... It's taken me way too long to realize that I've been trying to hold myself to the normal, "secretor" standard of calmness, composure, and performance when, as a nonnie -- and, possibly, a Lewis double-negative -- I'm significantly more fragile than the average person, so it's not fair of me to not have certain allowances.
Posted by: TJ, Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 3:00am; Reply: 1
I feel that pain, Ron.  I have had the papers in my hands on two different occasions to apply for disability for my depression/fatigue, but never went through with it.  Sometimes I wish I had, and other times I think that getting it would have taken away the incentive for self-improvement that drove me to find out about the BTD.  Either way, it would have given me some much-needed breathing room, especially concerning my job.  Already having a handicap on my abilities made me very anxious about whether I could do my job well enough to keep it, and such anxiety only hurt my job performance even more.

I hope you can get that help which you need.  Perhaps some time on disability will help you break out of that vicious cycle and develop your abilities and confidence.  Maybe you will find after enough time to heal and grow that you will no longer need that support system, but for now, just get well!  (I was going to say, "just worry about getting well..." :B, but thought better of it! ;))
Posted by: jayneeo, Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 3:23am; Reply: 2
Ron, thank you for sharing. We all need to learn compassion for ourselves on the difficult parts of our personal journeys. We all have difficulties, though sometimes it seems to us that others are "more together"....and we're here for you.
Posted by: Amazone I., Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 8:12am; Reply: 3
Ron if that helps you really to get off those issues, why not...but the worst case here I see and feel and think is that you are identifying with * I have and I am this and that*..you never can posses a depression; if so....better to recognize that you are in that state of a depression. The more you identify, the bigger and closer the problem. Our keyword here is
mental distance and clearity of those aspects, and how wonderful for you to stay appart and observe...we mustn't force nor compare ourselfs to be the same as others....that's ok if not ;) :D
And perhaps should you try the homeopathic variation of lithium,
perhaps do you have some tendencies to be-polar disorder or a real deep depression, so please feel free to take all careproviding options.... :K) :K) :K)
Posted by: 521 (Guest), Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 9:58am; Reply: 4
Quoted Text
I feel that pain, Ron.  I have had the papers in my hands on two different occasions to apply for disability for my depression/fatigue, but never went through with it.  Sometimes I wish I had, and other times I think that getting it would have taken away the incentive for self-improvement that drove me to find out about the BTD.  Either way, it would have given me some much-needed breathing room, especially concerning my job.  Already having a handicap on my abilities made me very anxious about whether I could do my job well enough to keep it, and such anxiety only hurt my job performance even more.
I'm glad to know I'm not alone in having this problem.  It's been an issue for about ten years now, but only after having been educated on nonnie-hood with the BTD have I realized that it really has always been a true handicap I've been playing under, and not just some lack of willpower, character, or discipline.
Posted by: Raquel, Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 11:45am; Reply: 5
Ron I know many people (like you)have get better with BTD,DR. D's protocols , Bach Flowers, TAICHI . You are so lucky because you have the information that can help you to change that situation ;)

Of course, meditation is so important.

Donīt think about the problem, think about solution. :)
Posted by: Ribbit, Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 12:11pm; Reply: 6
See if you can get muscle tested for food allergies.

No, you're not alone.  That's the way I felt when I was eating nightshades all the time.  And if I come into contact with one, it all comes back for weeks or months (Deflect helps it be weeks).  I was able to work, but it took a tremendous amount of effort to do so.  And I could never work more than 20 hours a week.  The fatigue was so overwhelming.  As it was, at the end of a 6-hour day (at most), I'd come home and fall into bed and my mother would have to wake me up to eat dinner.  I think nightshades make me hallucinate as well.  I think we've talked about nightshades before, you and I.  Any paprika or ambiguous "spices" hiding in any packaged food you eat?
Posted by: Amazone I., Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 3:29pm; Reply: 7
Ron, this isn't a lack of willpower or what so else...not at all; but please be aware also about our tricky mind and psyche pattern...this is important as well and if you would like to learn what's about intp's and their patterns, so it is easy to lurke into the enneagram and see the 5/4 but also Keirsey's is ok in the books *please understand me*.
The more we learn and approach to our real self, the easiere it begins to be ;) :D ....
Posted by: dawgmama, Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 5:14pm; Reply: 8
Ok Ron, I am speaking as a mom here, and also as a highly sensitive, fairly anxious, A nonnie. Ya, you are different. Great! You are not a "perfect robot, who never loses their composure". But.... you are also "wallowing" a bit. "It's not fair?" come on,and I say this as a caring person, 'life isn't fair, get a helmet!'. If you really feel you need to go on disability to catch up, because you feel you are "entitled", well, I guess you have to, but instead of hiding behind your differences, delight in them.

Don't try to fit into the "mainstream". Can't handle the hustle and bustle of "regular" life, brainstorm how to tailor a job to your needs. I too, get too anxious in the 'regular' work world. I don't try to fit into it. I clean houses for people, good money,flexible hours, quiet, my own pace, satisfying. I don't see it as demeaning work, and I listen to talk radio to keep my mind from turning to mush as I scrub. I'm sure that with your computer skills, you could find some type of job that fits your personality and skills.

Again, I say this not to be mean, but with concern. You seem to have a bit of envy for the "mainstream", and a bit of a chip on your shoulder. That really is not going to help you "fit in". You didn't sound that way a few weeks ago, and since you've "fessed" up about having a Coke, I wonder if you are unknowinly eating something that is a big avoid for you? I know if my son has corn syrup, because he gets so crabby I can hardly live with him. Is a big, bad avoid hiding in your cupboards? ??)

I know I recommended this a while ago, but I really think a pet of some kind would help you when you are feeling alone, and down like this. You are accepted just the way you are here, and that is how a pet would be too, but... he/she could give you warm loving hugs, which as much as we'd like to, we can't do. I know I scolded you a bit, but... that is sometimes what we need. I really don't think that going on disability is going to help you feel more productive, or sucessful, it is just going to give you a bit of a feeling of revenge against the people you percieve as "normal".

Hang in there, get out in the sunshine, and count your blessings, instead of your "perceived shortcomings".

-mom :K)-
Posted by: Ribbit, Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 6:24pm; Reply: 9
Quoted from dawgmama
I really don't think that going on disability is going to help you feel more productive, or sucessful, it is just going to give you a bit of a feeling of revenge against the people you percieve as "normal".


Yeah...
Posted by: TJ, Thursday, October 2, 2008, 4:02pm; Reply: 10
Quoted from 521
not just some lack of willpower, character, or discipline

That's right, never forget that!  It was so easy for me to think that my character was defective. One of the greatest benefits I received from therapy was getting over that way of thinking.

Quoted from dawgmama
You seem to have a bit of envy for the "mainstream"

You don't really want to be "normal" anyway.
Posted by: jayneeo, Thursday, October 2, 2008, 4:13pm; Reply: 11
that's where we need compassion for ourselves....
Posted by: Ribbit, Thursday, October 2, 2008, 5:29pm; Reply: 12
If you were "normal" you wouldn't be on this diet....and then where would you be?  Huh?  Huh? :K)
Posted by: TJ, Thursday, October 2, 2008, 7:56pm; Reply: 13
I'd be huddled at the bottom of a bottle of Welbutrin with a slice of DiGiornio's pizza.
Posted by: Maria Giovanna, Thursday, October 2, 2008, 8:52pm; Reply: 14
Please Ron you are a clever smart guy, and As are tenacious in my experience (nonnies too) so ypuwill find a good solution for your probles , if you feel right with the help of disbility money and free time or without I don't care, only you konw what yu need better to reach your health and general life goals.
No person is really all mainsteam or just normal looking really deep inside in him or her. Keep you busy with your real priorities and do not forget your dreams. Starting with an achievable success, go pursuing at least some basis to make real your wishes for the future. This is in my opinion a salve all we need for our souls. Please connect with people sharing your interests, hobbies, visions and passions and this will be a light for your life.
Maria Giovanna
Posted by: GillianR, Thursday, October 2, 2008, 10:30pm; Reply: 15
Quoted from 521


I'm significantly more fragile than the average person,


You sound significantly STRONGER than the average person because you have been dealing with these difficult things that many people do not have to deal with.

People are trained early to hide their feelings and their problems. I'll bet if you picked 10 people you thought were doing really well and really found out what they are like you will find they are dealing with some significant problems.

Have you ever read a book called "A Promise of Hope" by Autumn Stringham. She tells her story of dealing with severe manic depression. She has some very interesting insights, useful to any of us.

This too shall pass. :K)



Posted by: Mrs T O+, Saturday, October 25, 2008, 11:10pm; Reply: 16
I'm sure this forum is helping you both.  Being able to share feelings & know that others care is great therapy.
The BTD board certainly fills that need!!
It's an important part of my social life which in turn meets certain emotional needs.
[ The diet helps, too. :) ]
Sincerely yours,
Mrs "T"     O+
Posted by: 794 (Guest), Wednesday, December 24, 2008, 6:27am; Reply: 17
I've suffered from depression as far back as I can remember and the only thing that brought me out of it was the BTD.  Whenever I get depressed it is usually a food I've been eating.  Once I get compliant I feel better or great but I am so use to being depressed.  It's hard though when you can't eat most things.  

But I'm not sure if I know what depression is because I remember being depressed when I turned 6 and thinking I feel really great today and from then on 6 was my favorite number.  I didn't realize I was feeling depression but I was.  I think the only difference back then from now is that I had the support of friends and family.  So I thought it was ok to be depressed and actually it felt very romantic and great.  But now that I'm older and I get that feeling and indulge in it people say, what's wrong with you.  Instead of feeling great I start to feel confused and alone.  Wondering what's wrong with me?  This may be the warrior child in me, though. Was I depressed when I was a kid?

If this is depression and anxiety, I really think I was born with it and I am like that for a reason.  It may be strange but I may like being depressed.  I guess what I would say is that what you are is what you are so go for it and be yourself.  You are this way so you have your own qualities that some entity/thing/someone in this world wants.  
          
Posted by: OSuzanna, Wednesday, December 24, 2008, 3:39pm; Reply: 18
Quoted from GillianR


You sound significantly STRONGER than the average person because you have been dealing with these difficult things that many people do not have to deal with.
I like the way that looks from that angle.
People are trained early to hide their feelings and their problems. I'll bet if you picked 10 people you thought were doing really well and really found out what they are like you will find they are dealing with some significant problems.

Have you ever read a book called "A Promise of Hope" by Autumn Stringham. She tells her story of dealing with severe manic depression. She has some very interesting insights, useful to any of us.
Wow, thanks, I'm going to look for it.
This too shall pass. :K)
True.  :)




Posted by: Amazone I., Wednesday, December 24, 2008, 6:54pm; Reply: 19
my........my.........my....my..... :-/(eek)(oh)(mad)(dead)(dead)(smarty2)(goofy)(shrug).......noooooooooooo........ :-/ ;)
Posted by: Ribbit, Thursday, December 25, 2008, 12:48am; Reply: 20
Paul, as a lonely, depressed dreamer-child, I understand what you're saying.  BTD has helped me too.  

My husband was suicidal as a young child.  He'd hang out the second story window by his fingertips and wonder if it would be all over if he just let go.  Then he'd climb back in and decide not to.  His diet consisted of Life cereal, hotdogs, peanut butter and bread.

When he quit wheat as an adult, all that went away.  We call it the wheat cloud.
Posted by: 312 (Guest), Thursday, December 25, 2008, 12:52am; Reply: 21
OK, I agree here about the wheat.  I've been baking christmas cookies with spelt, but I think that it
isn't ok, as there is still some gluten in there.....right?  Feeling that cloud myself a bit lately..... :-/
Posted by: Ribbit, Thursday, December 25, 2008, 1:17am; Reply: 22
Yes, there is gluten there, and it may bother you.  However, I think everyone would quickly agree that even if you're gluten-intolerant (meaning, anything with gluten goes straight through you, whether or not it affects your mood), wheat is worse than spelt.

Does anybody get anxiety from spelt?  And I mean real anxiety, not just being irritated that you have the runs if you're gluten-intolerant.
Posted by: RedLilac, Thursday, December 25, 2008, 1:24am; Reply: 23
Everyone feels anxious and depressed at times; it is just that some are better at masquerading it than others.   When I eat the wrong foods, I feel like fingernails scratching on a blackboard.  

My mother used her depression as a crutch and an excuse.   Don’t give in to it.
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