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Grieving and struggling with BTD  This thread currently has 6,540 views. Print Print Thread
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Cathy
Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 11:50am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator
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I started the BTD back in 1997 when I was sicker than a dog and doctors were telling me it was all in my head.  One doctor actually was sending me to a psychiatrist.    (sigh)   A friend of mine took me to a health food store and I spent 2 hours with the lady who owns the store.  She was telling me about the BTD.  At that time I had all ready had 2 miscarriages.  I knew something wasn't right for me not to be able to carry my pregnancies through.  I had faith that being on the BTD was going to help me to heal and be able to conceive and carry the baby to full term.
Well, 9 years later from when I started the BTD, I conceived one more time. I bought the book Eat Right for Your Baby right away.  I worked hard for nine months to make sure I had the health to carry my baby to full term and deliver a healthy baby.  January 29, 2006 was my due date and I went over 10 days.  February 8 came and my baby died during the early labor.  I was dumbfounded!  I had to have an emergency hysterictamy right away for I very nearly passed away myself.  During the first few weeks after loosing my son, Joel Thomas, I had a hard time eating, but when I did I tried to stay true to the BTD.  I felt that it was no use being on the the BTD many a time after this tragedy.  I wasn't eating the vegetables and fruits and I stopped drinking water.  I was so depressed.    What is the purpose in living if your baby that you long for for so many years dies and then the hope of ever conceiving is gone?
 In the last couple of weeks I have been writing in the forums about the rice and depression, I read about the importance of drinking water.  Well now I have the full blown flu.  I haven't had the flu since before I started on the BTD.  My body was craving grapefruit, tofu, and green tea....interesting, these are the foods that are highly benificial for A's.  
 Well, yesterday, when my flu was at it's peak and I had a fever of 102.2  I finally got a peace in my heart that I have a new purpose in life, which really isn't new.  Being that I lost my baby and the dream of nurturing him, I felt I lost a purpose in life.  My "new" purpose is to care for myself, just like I did the first few years when I started the BTD.  It had to take getting sicker than a dog again to show me what my purpose in life is.  
 Grieving over the loss of Joel has been the hardest thing in my entire life.  God has been my strength to get through the grieving and He's allowed this flu to hit to get me to see I must needs take care of myself.  So now I have the Bible and the BTD books at hands reach to get on with life.  It does pay to eat what your body needs to survive any crisis in your life.
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Susana
Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 12:00pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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How beautiful to see your positive attitude. Your son Joel is probably watching with a big smile on his face.

There is a thread that has just started on mind/body. You may want to take a look at the site posted.

And, rely on God. He will help you along the way brilliantly

Blessings and my best wishes on your recovery.



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Vicki
Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 12:50pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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{{{{{{{{{{{Cathy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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Debra+
Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 1:26pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Cathy-I am so sorry for your loss.  Just know that we are here for you.  ((((Big Hug))))

Debra


"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." C.G. Jung"

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Peppermint Twist
Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 1:47pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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 I'm so sorry for your loss, Cathy.  There are no words, but I'm glad that you have realized that you are meant to take care of yourself, even through this time of grief when that is probably the last thing that comes naturally.

It is so hard to make sense of things that seem to make no sense.  I lost my beloved 20-year-old cat (who I had since he was a ten-week-old kitten and who was my baby, truly) in an awful way in 2005 and it shook my faith to the core.  Not the fact that he died, because I feel I was prepared for him to go at some point in the near future given his age and kidney situation, but it was the way that he was taken.  Why would God take him in that way?  I was expecting him to go and go fairly soon but why would God take the most loving, trusting soul I ever knew in such a violent, ridiculous way, and make the last night and morning of his life so fraught with pain, confusion, anxiety, fear, and worry (over me)?  This literally shook my faith to the core because it brought up the age-old question of do things just happen randomly or is there a reason for everything?  I felt that if it was the former, if things just happen that randomly and coldly then I want nothing to do with this God-forsaken (literally) universe.  I was furious at God, if he even existed, which I was questioning, for taking Ollie in such a needlessly awful way.  I felt why couldn't it have been me that the car backed over and crushed?  I would so gladly have turned back the hands of the clock and volunteered to be in his place.  I still would in a heartbeat.  Even though he only had a short time left on earth anyway, I would have done anything--literally anything--to spare him being taken in the way he was taken.

As awful as that was, time has helped somewhat (although just writing about it now I'm sitting here fighting back tears and getting all worked up, but, hey, that is still better than right after it happened, when I would instead have been openly weeping in my cubicle at work, as I did many times).

I'm saying that death and the way loved ones die sometimes makes no sense to us.  But in the end, I personally need to believe that everything happens for a reason.  I don't know why I need to believe this so very much, but if I thought that everything was random, I would either go crazy or not want to be here or be so furious at God or the cosmos or WHATEVER that I wouldn't be able to take it.  But I have to believe instead that there is a reason for everything, even if we don't understand, even if it seems like something happened in the worst, most needless, ridiculous way possible.  Even if it seems like someone was taken way, way too young.  No matter what the specific thing that makes no sense to us about someone's death is, I have to believe there is a reason for it.  So all we can do is to go on, as you have chosen bravely and wisely to do.  Go on and take care of yourself and spread as much love in the world as you can in the time you have here.  That is really the best thing we can do.  When nothing makes sense and nothing seems right, the only thing we have is love.  Because when we go forth and spread love, we are doing something good and important and that is the one thing that does make sense.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


"If you are on one of Dr. D's diets and it isn't joyful, you aren't doing it right." - moi

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Revision History (4 edits)
Edna  -  Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 1:55pm
Edna  -  Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 1:50pm
Edna  -  Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 1:49pm
Edna  -  Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 1:49pm
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Jane
Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 3:03pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Cathy,
I'm so sorry to hear about your very painful loss.  How devastating.  Just take things day by day, allow yourself to grieve and nourish yourself both physically and spiritiually.  You have a lot of support here from a lot of people that really care.
(((((HUGS)))))
Jane
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Cathy
Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 4:16pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Jane
Cathy,
I'm so sorry to hear about your very painful loss.  How devastating.  Just take things day by day, allow yourself to grieve and nourish yourself both physically and spiritiually.  You have a lot of support here from a lot of people that really care.
(((((HUGS)))))
Jane


I feel as though I am at ground zero, looking over the devastation!  I don't know where to begin in life, I lost all sence of direction, where am I to go now?  I can only take one day at a time for I am not promised tomorrow.  
I know what you are saying Peppermint Twist about your faith being shaken to the core!  My faith in a lot of things were shaken...my faith in God, and in the BTD.  The two things that I had the most faith in where shaken.  God has proven to me that He is real and that he has accepted my work, literally.  The doctor had said that Joel was covered with miconeum and therefore he died of toxins, boy, talk about a slap in the face, being I made sure I gave Joel a perfect environment.  Then the doctor asked if I was a vegetarian, my husband said yes, he then went on to say that is the reason I was so animic, I didn't buy that either being I just lost 2 units of blood.  A couple of weeks later I had my iron count tested and it was up to normal, without eating red meat.
 I look at my life right now like the plot of land I have set for my garden at this time of year....the garden is empty and clear of any plants, ready for new seeds and new life to begin.  I may still have questions concerning my health, diet, and death but I know the answers will come in due time....when I can handle them.
Thank you all for the hugs and concerns....I have been to afraid to open up and share my heart (must be a type A thing)... I tend to try to figure things out myself...but right now I need help to get myself back on track health wise.

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Edna  -  Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 4:18pm
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Peppermint Twist
Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 6:48pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Well, this is a very caring and supportive community, so share with us anytime.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  Again, words don't seem adequate at a time like this, but just know that we care.


"If you are on one of Dr. D's diets and it isn't joyful, you aren't doing it right." - moi

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jayney-O
Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 7:06pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator
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Opening up must surely be a step in the healing process....thank you for taking that step and trusting us with your vulnerable feelings.  I like the garden metaphor...it sounds very intuitive....blessings to you, and keep us posted. We will keep you in our hearts.
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Victoria
Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 7:44pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Thank you for sharing with us, Cathy.  Another good reason to live to share oneself with others.  We never know when we will help another person to make it through their own personal suffering by sharing our own with them.  We're all in this together, and there is no one who has not felt the pain and despair of the things that life can throw our way.

Please keep talking with us, and take care of yourself . . body, mind and spirit.  



Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.
Let me not pass you by in quest
of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
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Mari
Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 7:49pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Cathy, please give yourself time to grieve your loss.  The loss of a child is the deepest and most long lasting sorrow known to humanity.  I lost my son over 3 years ago and there still are days when I grieve for him.  God gave us tears for a reason!  And He tells us in His word that He will never forsake us, so hold fast to that promise.  Don't let anyone tell you about "closure" because closure is a myth.  Closure is for bank accounts .  Your life is forever changed but as the years go by your heart will ache in gentler ways.  Take care of yourself and don't let anyone push you faster than you can heal...    
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Kristin
Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 8:07pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Oh Cathy... my heart goes out to you. You are facing your loss and healing with such courage!! Thank you so much for sharing with us...


The true meaning of life is to plant trees under whose shade you do not expect to sit.

- Nelson Henderson
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Kristin
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Quoted from Cathy


The doctor had said that Joel was covered with miconeum and therefore he died of toxins, boy, talk about a slap in the face, being I made sure I gave Joel a perfect environment.  



And if it helps in your healing at all.... I question the accuracy of your doctor's assertion that Joel died from the toxins in meconium. Babies are born all the time covered in meconium... and care has to be taken that they do not aspirate it. The presence of meconium generally indicates distress of some kind, but not always. I could be wrong but I have never heard of it being a cause of death during labor....


The true meaning of life is to plant trees under whose shade you do not expect to sit.

- Nelson Henderson

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Alia Vo
Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 9:23pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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I am sorry to hear about your loss, Cathy.

You have a wonderful tool by utilzing the BTD lifestyle, as well as, this forum to assist you in returning to a state of good health.  

Alia


Alia A. Vo
A Positive Secretor
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BTD Lifestyle Since 1999
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Cathy
Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 11:37pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator
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I do feel forever changed, that's for sure.  I don't look at myself as a mother, being I have no children to nurture.  I feel set apart, never to be a part of the rest of the ladies around me as they share there diaper stories and I don't want to put a dampner on the joy they have of being blessed.  So what do I do?  Mari, how did you deal with your loss?  I feel I have grieved so much that my amune system is down, so that's why I'm so sick now.
I did get a job working at a nearby store last August.  I cried every day while I started because I saw mommies with their little newborn babies.  My heart cried when I saw a young man with his little boy, knowing my husband doesn't have a little son to chase and tickle.  
I do have to say, that when I started working there I was able to have a disciplined diet.  I made sure I packed a huge salad so I could get through the grieving of the day.  It worked.  Now since Christmas my hours had been cut drastically.  It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I started working two days a week.  It is so hard to be by myself during the day, to much time to think.
I would be interested in knowing if Dr. D' Adamo has any articles or a book on dealing with death and staying on the BTD.  
I feel so weak and sick emotionally and physically.

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sluggerbean
Thursday, March 15, 2007, 3:04am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Cathy,

My heart goes out to you.  ((((((HUGS))))))  I will be praying for you.  

Peggy


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ABJoe
Thursday, March 15, 2007, 4:54am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Quoted from Cathy
I do feel forever changed, that's for sure.  I don't look at myself as a mother, being I have no children to nurture.  I feel set apart, never to be a part of the rest of the ladies around me as they share there diaper stories and I don't want to put a dampner on the joy they have of being blessed.  So what do I do?  Alia, how did you deal with your loss?  I feel I have grieved so much that my amune system is down, so that's why I'm so sick now.
I did get a job working at a nearby store last August.  I cried every day while I started because I saw mommies with their little newborn babies.  My heart cried when I saw a young man with his little boy, knowing my husband doesn't have a little son to chase and tickle.  
I do have to say, that when I started working there I was able to have a disciplined diet.  I made sure I packed a huge salad so I could get through the grieving of the day.  It worked.  Now since Christmas my hours had been cut drastically.  It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I started working two days a week.  It is so hard to be by myself during the day, to much time to think.
I would be interested in knowing if Dr. D' Adamo has any articles or a book on dealing with death and staying on the BTD.  
I feel so weak and sick emotionally and physically.

Cathy, the Stress section in the encyclopedia may be very helpful for you to read.  I feel it is the tip of the iceberg in your case, but it is a start.

In one way, I understand your motivation for not considering yourself a mother, but I think of you as a mother.  You had a child for nine months.  It died in childbirth which robbed you of the joys of life with it, but that doesn't make you less of a mother.  In some regards, you have experienced more haertbreak than most mothers ever feel.  Many mothers never lose a child.  Who knows why the child died?  We often don't really know why!  We only understand that it hurts us so much to have the loss.  In spite of all the pain, I believe that there is some greater reason that it is better that the baby didn't live longer.

You may be able to adopt or volunteer in some capacity that you can help children...  My wife volunteers to work with children.  She has done teaching at a private school and now volunteers with 4-H and public television.  It is really a help to work with children to spread the goodness that you aren't able to give your own child.  "Follow Me Boys" is a great old movie where a couple find out that they can't have children of their own, but by being boy scout troop leaders, they have 11 to 15 boys to help every year.  It isn't the same as having your own, but it is a positive outlet for some of the emotional energy, etc...

I'm writing this last because I think it is the most important thought to leave you with.  The BEST thing you can do for you right now is put on a Positive Attitude.  "Success through a Positive Mental Attitude" is a wonderful book that helped me have the persistance to find the help I needed, but also to have an open mind when the opportunity knocked.

Wishing you the best in your quest for better health!



RH-, ISTJ
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accidental_chef
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Cathy, so sorry for your loss. I hope you will eventually find the strength and wisdom to gently let go of the past peacefully and live life to its fullest in the present.


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Cathy
Thursday, March 15, 2007, 11:51am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Peggy for your prayers, I appreciate then greatly!  Thanks Abjoe for the encouragement.  

Grieving takes a big toll on the body.  It takes away the energy  to do every day things...it takes away the appetite to eat nourishing foods...it takes away the power to think positive (at times).  I have taken walks that were 10 miles long, I have made up several songs.  I am in the process of getting a book printed,  but it all takes energy that I just don't have because the grieving has taken it.  On my walks I just bawl my eyes out.  While I'm doing positive things I still hurt and cry.  One evening last year I sat down and watched the sunset and I meditated on that,... sunset....negatives/positives.....you will always have negatives with your positives...you can't have a gorgous sunset without having some clouds...it is the negatives that make the positives so beautiful....like the sunsets.  It's wonderful to meditate and think possitive but my physical energy is still pretty low.   I have a hard time doing the laundry, washing dishes, cleaning house, caring for the dogs.....since Joel's death it has been overwhelming to me to eat the BTD...it's a struggle.  It is so hard to think of what to fix when my mind is absorbed by grief.
Yesterday I went outside in the warm sunshine, wrapped myself in a blanket and laid in the grass.  I watched the flies buzz around, I watched the flowers bloom.  I cuddled up with my camera and took pictures of my snow drops and winter akinite.  That to me is as possitve as anything can get.  I was then able to get a little more housework done and fix a good fish supper.  After that I was totally exhausted.
Grieving is the most stressful thing any human being will have to endure.  I am shocked that I have lasted this long because I could not handle stress very well.  When I found out I was pregnant I had great concerns that it would be to stressful for me expecially during labor and deliver.  But death ....... it goes above and beyond the stress of delivering a live child.  WOW!    
The problem I am having with the BTD is that during the pregnancy I could not eat vegetables for it made me nauseous.  Well, here it is a year later and I still don't care to eat my salads.  How can I break myself of that, and get back to enjoying and craving my salads like I used to?  Am I to force myself to eat even when I don't feel like eating?  And at that point what should I eat to build my energy up and maintain a possitive, peaceful, content spirit?  These are the questions that are plagueing me right now.
When I came to the conclusion this past week that my purpose in life is to take care of myself, I realized that having the house neat and tidy, was a positve to keep my spirits up, it should not be a chore, as I see it.

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Cathy
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Quoted from accidental_chef
Cathy, so sorry for your loss. I hope you will eventually find the strength and wisdom to gently let go of the past peacefully and live life to its fullest in the present.


It is my goal to have happiness and peace from this grieving, it is a long process to get to that point.  It's just getting through this muck and mire....that's what I'm dealing with.
I look for the good in it all.  I try to look for good even in the grieving.  
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Cathy
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Quoted from Kristin



And if it helps in your healing at all.... I question the accuracy of your doctor's assertion that Joel died from the toxins in meconium. Babies are born all the time covered in meconium... and care has to be taken that they do not aspirate it. The presence of meconium generally indicates distress of some kind, but not always. I could be wrong but I have never heard of it being a cause of death during labor....


I have had others tell me the same.  I just think that God wanted to take Joel home to be with him instead of being in this world.  I just have to rely on God's strength to live today, today.  Thank you Kristin for your encouragement.  It means a lot.
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Peppermint Twist
Thursday, March 15, 2007, 12:52pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Quoted from Cathy
Thanks, Peggy for your prayers, I appreciate then greatly!  Thanks Abjoe for the encouragement.  

Grieving takes a big toll on the body.  It takes away the energy  to do every day things...it takes away the appetite to eat nourishing foods...it takes away the power to think positive (at times).  I have taken walks that were 10 miles long, I have made up several songs.  I am in the process of getting a book printed,  but it all takes energy that I just don't have because the grieving has taken it.  On my walks I just bawl my eyes out.

But, sweetie, all that bawling is also a good thing.  While it is so true that grieving takes a toll on the body, can you imagine how much worse it would be if nature didn't come up with a way (namely grieving) for us to express all the pain we feel over someone's death?  While the crying/grieving saps your energy, it also is very releasing, cleansing and healing.  And there is no way to go through it except to go through it, so let all the feelings come and go as they will, washing over and through you like ocean waves, ebbing and flowing like the tide.  Slowly but surely, it will get better...



P.S.  I went to see a counselor over the event I touched on above.  She gave me a wallet-sized card at the conclusion of our series of sessions, which was titled "A Mourner's Bill of Rights".  One of the things it said was "I have a right to griefbursts."  I thought:  "'Griefbursts':  what an apt way to describe them."  I mean those times when you just find yourself weeping, sobbing uncontrollably, often in the most inconvenient of places, at the most inappropriate of times.  For someone like me who happens to be a control freak, this was very disconcerting.  However, I came to really appreciate those "griefbursts" because without them, I don't think I could have possibly gotten through things to the point I am now.

What I'm saying is, just let it all come.  It's good, it's healthy, it's part of the healing.



"If you are on one of Dr. D's diets and it isn't joyful, you aren't doing it right." - moi

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Cathy
Thursday, March 15, 2007, 2:32pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ABJoe

Cathy, the Stress section in the encyclopedia may be very helpful for you to read.  I feel it is the tip of the iceberg in your case, but it is a start.



How do I get to this encyclopedia?
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Cathy
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Quoted from Edna

But, sweetie, all that bawling is also a good thing.  While it is so true that grieving takes a toll on the body, can you imagine how much worse it would be if nature didn't come up with a way (namely grieving) for us to express all the pain we feel over someone's death?  While the crying/grieving saps your energy, it also is very releasing, cleansing and healing.  And there is no way to go through it except to go through it, so let all the feelings come and go as they will, washing over and through you like ocean waves, ebbing and flowing like the tide.  Slowly but surely, it will get better...



P.S.  I went to see a counselor over the event I touched on above.  She gave me a wallet-sized card at the conclusion of our series of sessions, which was titled "A Mourner's Bill of Rights".  One of the things it said was "I have a right to griefbursts."  I thought:  "'Griefbursts':  what an apt way to describe them."  I mean those times when you just find yourself weeping, sobbing uncontrollably, often in the most inconvenient of places, at the most inappropriate of times.  For someone like me who happens to be a control freak, this was very disconcerting.  However, I came to really appreciate those "griefbursts" because without them, I don't think I could have possibly gotten through things to the point I am now.

What I'm saying is, just let it all come.  It's good, it's healthy, it's part of the healing.



I guess I am being impatient with myself because I want it to be done with...I want the pain overwith. I think I am pushing myself to put a stop to this grieving...but I see VERY clearly I have no power over that.  I understand what you are saying about it coming in like the ocean, the tides....it can be rythmic and beautiful....somehow I have to see that the rythme of this grieving, weeks of doing great, and then weeks where I don't know which way to turn  is somehow beautiful.  How is it beautiful to experience pain, sorrow, and emptiness...except that one day I will be forever joined with my children again.  The hope of being with my kids again is a salve to my achey soul but sometimes it doesn't help the empty arm syndrome.  For that, when I get up enough courage, I go to my church's nursery and ask if I could hold a baby....it helps greatly!  Oh how satisfying it is....even though that is not my baby.
I like what ABJoe said about plugging into other children....when I started working at Brown's Orchards and Farm Market back in the fall, they were having fieldtrips for the kindergarten classes.  Well, I discovered one girl I knew from my Sunday School class.  I think I made her day as much as she made mine when I made myself known to her.  She came running to me and gave me the biggest hug!  Boy, wasn't that medicine to the soul?



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Mari
Thursday, March 15, 2007, 5:53pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

Early Spring: Awareness, desire.
Posts: 24
Gender: Female
Location: Minnesota
Age: 68
In reply to your question as to how I deal with my loss, the answer is a day at a time at first.  You are only a year from your loss; give yourself time to heal.  Peppermint Twist is so right when she says "you must let the feelings come and go as they will, washing over and through you like ocean waves, ebbing and flowing like the tide".  I think you are doing very well if you have had the courage to hold a baby at your church nursery.  I found keeping busy at work, reading (and sometimes crying my eyes out while reading- tears are very cleansing), and talking it out with friends or siblings all helped.  And as you mentioned in your first post, God is there to give you strength.  He will never forsake you!  There is a group called The Compassionate Friends who have chapters in most every state.  They are parents who have lost a child of any age who meet monthly to help each other.  I haven't been to their meetings but I do get their newsletter and it has helped to read about others who have lost a child and how they have coped.  

I hope these few suggestions will help you.  Just remember it takes time.  Try to eat healthy and get enough rest.        
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