I pace around when talking on the phone, too, and I do things with my hands, fidget with things, doodle. I've always chalked that up to general nervousness. I can be visual OR auditory but both at one time is distracting for me. In church, I like to close my eyes to listen to the sermon (priest probably thinks I'm sleeping) to block out visual distractions; and when I'm studying something visually I don't like to talk or listen to someone else talking to me - especially when I'm driving! I can listen to music and drive, however. Although depending on the music it can make me zone out and forget where I'm supposed to driving!
Anyway...I have to psych myself up to even call family members. One aunt and I understand each other. We've admitted to each other that we're not "phone people", but we email all the time, and we do call when it's something important. But we've given each other free license to be weird and stiff over the phone without causing or taking offense. Recently, I called an uncle who lives in the Mississippi delta to check in and see how they're doing wtih the flooding. I hadn't spoken to him in several years. At first I felt a bit awkward, but we ended up having a nice conversation. I was so glad I called, and I think he was, too. I think you just have to plough through to the other side. I agree with those who have said that practice makes it a bit easier. But my telephone social skills get rustly really quickly, as they don't come naturally.
TJ, I have this issue, too. Before I make a call, I rehearse what I'd like to say. If it's a call to a friend or relative, I'll pretend that I'm talking with someone and go over all the goings on in my life that I'd want to share. If it's business related, I write out all the questions I want answered and write the answers down as they come.
Usually when the phone rings, the caller asks for my wife, and I can get away quickly. If my wife isn't home or plays the "I don't want to talk to her now" game, then sometimes this happens.
Since I'm a fairly lousy conversationalist on the phone, I rarely get callers asking for me, unless they're asking for money or conducting a survey. And that's easy to handle: "Put my on your Do Not Call list."
I wonder if it might be related to Asperger Syndrome because I have an Internet friend who does exactly the same thing.
My SWAMI diet is a blend of BTD and GTD Explorer, but I'm not totally compliant. Also I try to choose foods that have a Low Glycemic index. DW and DD are A+, probably also Explorer.
Good point Squarepeg about aspergers. Wonder if it's something about listening with only one ear and having sensory integration problems. I feel dizzy on the phone and also have trouble hearing and speaking at the same time!
Totally empathise. For some reason I get really nervous and childlike on the phone like I don't think anyone would like to speak on the phone to me - probably cos I don't like talking on it! Used to talking to my Mum but awkward silences and things with other people where you don't know what they mean and can't read the body language
Also panic when it rings mostly so that's not good!
They reckon Alexander Graham Bell cursed his invention as it interrupted sleep and meals.
INFJ ex-Ghee Whiz, GTD Explorer Sept_09 - SWAMI Mar_10
Family - O+ DH and DD (both hunter-ish) IBS, Fibro, Hashimotos, Adenomyosis, Oral Lichen Planus, Breast Cancer, Terminal case of Optimism
Rh- Expluntherer... It means I'm an O...;-) Ee Dan
Posts: 5,140
Gender: Female
Location: Wellington, New Zealand
Age: 51
I wonder if all this phone anxiety could have anything to do with Nonnies & Explorers & the extra sensory stuff in the "airwaves"??!!
That said - although I sometimes have to be in the mood to ring certain people... I have no real fear of using the phone per se...It is & has been part of my work for a long time
I just remembered I will get "funny" ocassionally about ringing people if I think someone else is listening (& possibly disapproving as they can only hear part of the conversation & I don't have the time or inclination to explain myself?!
My boss sometimes gets me to ring difficult customers for her, as she gets flustered & tongue tied especially if it necessitates leaving a msg...
coming from a sales background...phone work can be challenging...fear of failure is one aspect of not wanting to pick up the phone in a business setting...finding out what your call ratio is...yes to no ratio is comforting...getting 10 no's to get a yes can be a goal.Keeping score to improve your ratio is a nice game you can play
As for the ringing there are phones now where you can customize the ring to a nice classical piece like Ode to Joy
The phone can be a vehicle to spread your goodness...just the act of smiling when you answer the phone can reduce the anxiety....smile and dial
I think you're handling it well, TJ. Anytime a person can be present enough to be able to describe an anxiety attack when they're in the middle of it, they are doing pretty well!
I wouldn't call it an anxiety attack, but I get what you're saying. Thanks!
Two questions you might ask yourself. Are you mostly a visual person? Do you feel unprepared for the conversation? Is your concern more with understanding or being understood? Most people have dominent preferences of receiving information. Also a whoooole lot of communication is nonverbal.x
If you don't consider yourself adept in the auditory rhelm and you are more comfortable communicating or listening visually, this may be the root.
I'm undoubtedly a visually dominant person. I think you're on to something with the nonverbal communication thought. I can't see you when I'm talking to you on the phone, so I'm missing the body language. The full range of voice frequencies isn't transmitted over the phone, so I'm also missing some of the tonal cues.
Maybe just get a clear thought in your mind about the purpose of the call and then before you pick up the phone picture yourself pleasantly thinking about the conversation outcome that you want to occur after you hang up. Get a visual of you doing whatever you will be doing after feeling good about it.
Anxiety is imagining the outcome you don't want. Imagining what you want is the antidote.
Another technique is imagining the possible worst outcome that could happen. If you could survive that, it puts it into perspective. What if you communicated so poorly with the person that they became so angry at the situation that they came over to your home and busted into the door and shot you dead?
Not very likely. And pretty laughable. Other than that, no sweat, most things work out. Relax. Laugh at your fear and it disappears.
Definitely good advice. One of my therapists taught me to ask myself, "What's the worst that can happen?" It has been a useful strategy! I haven't really thought about visualizing the ideal outcome. That merits some consideration.
If only I didn't feel the anxiety in the first place!
The most difficult calls for me to make are the ones that should be the easiest, like calling a store to see if they're open on Tuesdays or something dumb like that.
I totally understand that. My mind wants to take off in a dozen different directions if I even think about making a phone call. I have to really focus and reel my attention back in to even consciously make the decision to pick up the phone. It's definitely harder when I feel down, overstimulated, or under-rested. If I'm feeling hypomanic, I still have to reel in my attention, but making the call is a piece of cake.
I was so...aloof, I guess, before that my people skills and communication abilities were terrible (that was also part of the reason for my phone anxiety), but now I can both speak and listen to people better.
I understand that point of view. I was too -- aloof, that is -- and I still get that way when I'm down. I don't want to say anything, rather than taking the chance of saying something wrong when I don't have it all together mentally/emotionally. I've spent the last 12-15 years or so consciously trying to improve my own social skills. Maybe that's another piece of it.
I have a bit of a dislike for the phone as well. I have learned that there are times when I don't want to be interrupted or deal with anyone. In those times I turn the ringers off....I figure I have an answering machine, and voice mail on my cell, (even e-mail) if it's that important they can leave me a message. This way I can be better prepared to handle what ever it is when I get back to them.
I do this often myself. Listening to the message gives me a chance to compose myself before returning the call. Ideally, we won't need that when we are present and aware, but that's not a regular state of being for me at this point!
I like to know where I stand with people....I like to know where I fit....does that make sense?
Absolutely. This becomes more important to me during times of stress/depression, less so when I'm doing well. It's especially true if it's somebody who is in a position to make my life harder (or easier); politics???
But I have found that once I get round to making that call it is normally a pleasant experience and much easier than a prolonged email exchange, where there is much more scope for misinterpretation because you can get a lot of clues from somebody's voice.
This is usually my experience. Most phone calls are somewhere between neutral and pleasant.
I realized years ago that I cannot focus auditorily unless I am moving. I have to move to get it. If I am sitting and listening, forget it!
I pace when I'm on the phone. My family makes fun of me for it, but I can't just sit still when I'm on a call. But on some calls you have to write things down, and those seem to be the most stressful ones. Hmmm...
Listening in contexts other than on the phone is not as challenging. I actually enjoy the classroom experience -- if it's interactive (not lecture).
It is still a trigger of fear that bad news is coming...,I work on it daily....I wish you much luck
I was called when my dad had a heart attack, but don't think that's it. However, I may be associating the phone with other negative things. Surprises (even non-tragic) and the news of a change in plans, which often come over the phone, can be unsettling. The mortgage collection job I did was certainly a negative phone experience.
I don't even like watching movies or TV without subtitles. I can comprehend so much more easily when I can read rather than relying on my ears for the information.
when I'm studying something visually I don't like to talk or listen to someone else talking to me - especially when I'm driving! I can listen to music and drive, however. Although depending on the music it can make me zone out and forget where I'm supposed to driving!
Driving with music is no problem unless I'm trying to find my way around in unfamiliar territory. Sleeping is another story: if I can hear music, I can't sleep.
I think you just have to plough through to the other side. I agree with those who have said that practice makes it a bit easier.
As with so many things! As Ralph Waldo Emerson said: "That which we persist in doing becomes easy to do; not that the nature of the thing has changed, but that our power to do has increased."
Usually when the phone rings, the caller asks for my wife, and I can get away quickly. If my wife isn't home or plays the "I don't want to talk to her now" game, then sometimes this happens.
I just remembered I will get "funny" ocassionally about ringing people if I think someone else is listening (& possibly disapproving as they can only hear part of the conversation & I don't have the time or inclination to explain myself?!
I don't like talking on the phone around other people either. So I usually plan to make long calls while I'm outside walking, so that means I'm usually hearing traffic noise in the other ear. At least I'm not pacing back and forth in a little room!
coming from a sales background...phone work can be challenging...fear of failure is one aspect of not wanting to pick up the phone in a business setting...finding out what your call ratio is...yes to no ratio is comforting...getting 10 no's to get a yes can be a goal.Keeping score to improve your ratio is a nice game you can play
I'm happy to say I'm not that deep into the telephone!
I think it is more of an extravert vs introvert issue. I am a raging extrovert and I have a hard time posting. It feels so impersonal and it takes so long. I like phone calls, I don't need to think and I can just talk.
At work, I don't like the phones ringing more that once or twice and then I have to answer it even though there are about 10 more people on the phones who should answer the lines.
I have a long commute and hands free, so I end up speaking to clients, kids, husband and coworker for the long commute. I find emails and texts take too long to communicate simple issues.
I have a family of extraverts and we race to pick up the phone, it is definitely our preferred method of communication.
Pretty much everyone who posted is a nonnie and/or explorer. I don't know if being a non-secretor makes someone any more likely to be introverted, but being an explorer does. I don't necessarily like to "explore" by myself - I wouldn't be communicating with you guys right now if that was the case, but I could never say the things I say here face-to-face. I love writing, and can communicate through writing, but when I try to communicate by speaking my thoughts never come out how I want them to. It's interesting though, even though I'm very introverted and have poor verbal communication skills, I have always loved acting. Put me on a stage and I become totally flamboyant, I'll do or say anything. maybe it's because then I have a script, and I know what is going to come out of my mouth
TJ: was there a certain stressful phone call that you were dreading in the past that could have started this cycle you are participating in?
I see several factors already discussed that, all mixed together, are probably enough to account for it: the need to pace while talking but also needing to sometimes write down info from the call (writing while talking and pacing is tricky work ); introversion; working at a "phone job" that I hated; the startle factor (even with pleasant, gentle ring tones); and my general tendency toward anxiety.
Add to that, years of stress from bill collector calls! Every time I got one of those calls it was a reminder that I was in a bad situation that I didn't have the power to change, and the feeling of helplessness is probably the worst stressor there is. That could explain the incoming call anxiety all by itself, I think, but the anxiety about placing calls myself has to come from elsewhere.
I really like talking on the phone. I think I like it because I'm shy and really struggle with people face to face. I like listening to things too. But sometimes when I am on the phone I do (completelyweirdlyfornoreason) worry that people can somehow invisage my awkwardness.. that they can see right through my hesitation or fumbling. Or even worse, that they can somehow tell who I am and know everything about my being. I think because I explore so much of myself on a day to day basis, I somehow irrationally believe that others have this ability too.
Driving with music is no problem unless I'm trying to find my way around in unfamiliar territory. Sleeping is another story: if I can hear music, I can't sleep.
Yep, if I'm lost I have to concentrate and turn the radio/music off.
I do like falling asleep to music, however. Some music is very soothing, especially the weather channel's dreamy music. It zonks me right out. Waking up to certain music is nice, too (rather than an alarm clock buzzing or ringing). If the music is right it gently and gradually lifts you up from dreamland.
I need to return a friend's phone call this morning. I am feeling, this very minute, quite anxious about it and I'm wondering...why?? TJ, I'm glad you started this thread. It's not the thought of talking to my friend that makes me feel anxious, I really like her and enjoy talking to her. It's the thought of picking up the phone and intiating the interaction that takes my breath away and makes my heart pound. It is so weird. I just have to force myself to do it.
It's not the thought of talking to my friend that makes me feel anxious, I really like her and enjoy talking to her. It's the thought of picking up the phone and intiating the interaction that takes my breath away and makes my heart pound.
I had a thought when reading this. When we're approaching someone to speak to them, we can see them and read body language to know if they seem to be in a good mood, to see if it seems like a good time to approach, etc. Not true over the phone. It's like walking up to someone blind-folded to strike up a conversation. Once the conversation is going, the anxiety is gone, or lessened, because now you know where you stand.
I see several factors already discussed that, all mixed together, are probably enough to account for it: the need to pace while talking but also needing to sometimes write down info from the call (writing while talking and pacing is tricky work ); introversion; working at a "phone job" that I hated; the startle factor (even with pleasant, gentle ring tones); and my general tendency toward anxiety.
Add to that, years of stress from bill collector calls! Every time I got one of those calls it was a reminder that I was in a bad situation that I didn't have the power to change, and the feeling of helplessness is probably the worst stressor there is. That could explain the incoming call anxiety all by itself, I think, but the anxiety about placing calls myself has to come from elsewhere.
Two theories about your anxiety with making calls:
1) You had that phone job that you hated.
2) You hate receiving calls so much that it extends to making them as well. Placing a call means that you'll have to talk on the phone. Maybe there's also some kind of fear of placing somebody else in the position of having to answer the phone?
Ruth, Single Mother to 18yo O- Leah, 17yo O- Hannah,and 11yo B+ Jack
Two theories about your anxiety with making calls:
1) You had that phone job that you hated.
2) You hate receiving calls so much that it extends to making them as well. Placing a call means that you'll have to talk on the phone. Maybe there's also some kind of fear of placing somebody else in the position of having to answer the phone?
This makes sense. I don't like calling people who don't like to talk on the phone because, since i don't like to talk on the phone, I understand how they feel. I also don't like calling people who like to talk on the phone because I feel like I'll get trapped talking to them forever.
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