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weight loss and positive mental attitude  This thread currently has 2,882 views. Print Print Thread
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greenman
Sunday, April 29, 2012, 1:33pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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I know that there are loads of stories on here about weight loss and success stories.
Just to briefly tell you I am 95 kg (209 lbs) and my proper weight is 72kg (158 lbs)

I have got myself into a rut in the last years.
I went through alot of hardship trying to look after my mother and get better treatment for my mother who passed away in december 2011. http://www.dadamo.com/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-encloplib/m-1295879778/
The people on this forum were very helpful to me. By the way I do not regret one millionth of a second that I looked after my mother for 14 years I would do it again and again and I miss her dearly

I have put on weight and am depressed and on top of my mother's passing my long term partner of 20 years has left me for another man (not suspected.. totally out of the blue)
I have the usual problems money, debts etc
I feel I am also depressed for longer than my mothers death. My self esteem has been low for along time.
I find it hard to get out of bed and cannot sleep. I have started drinking alcohol again (yes I am going to stop)
What I am looking for is inspiration.. I know there is a testimonial thread.
I like your stories i.e I lost X no. lbs in 10 weeks and felt great.
OR I got my self confidence back which enhnaced my career
OR I conquered depression.

I am trying to say is if it has worked for others then it will work for me.
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Goldie
Sunday, April 29, 2012, 2:56pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Sam Dan
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a crapy feeling .. "I feel I am also depressed for longer than my mothers death. My self esteem has been low for along time."

I feel it with you.. life sucks some times.. I feel somewhat the same a good rant would be great but it does not get me where I would like to be again.. INNOCENT of what life can and does dish out..

lets keep this conversation going it will serve more than one of us.. there are many who just get beat up by adversity that is not of their own doing and we are not prepared for..

Losses are hard, unexplained losses are devastating.. the only good about that is THAT everybody goes through them at some time or another.. we either learn how to protect our own or we cave.. and I be dammmmmmed if I cave.. NOOOO way.. Fight back!  

turn on music and blast it to shatter all the bad vibes left over by others.. turn on soothing music to heal your body and look at the world like this:  Some see the world as  field to be planting in, others see it as a thing to be seeing the value of its earning from the planting.. while others only see the weeds.. well I don't see the weeds I love the weeds.. nothing s nicer then when I see a dandelion in bright yellow amids all the green grasses.. so nice to look at.. I never weed.. I give it water.. and I see it in it's own innocence..

all the best.. I am holding you sweetly in my thoughts.. do you feel it?  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzL_dWUHxBo&feature=relmfu  music..

as for weightloss hormones will help.. get them checked.. or fall in love.. either might help.. all else is just painful.. not needed at this time in your life .. time later.. just stay compliant.. all will come together..


Being here is invaluable, but not enough. We need ALL the Doctors. I needed them for a very small cancer spot-I could never feel!!! Please do your mammograms! Doing so saved me from cancer later on. I am grateful! Thanks for learning from my experience! I was lucky! I wish the same for YOU!
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Lola
Sunday, April 29, 2012, 5:01pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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go out and force yourself to do exercise, build up a routine......

it is our prosac!

so sorry for your loss, you did mention how much she suffered, may she RIP


''Just follow the book, don't look for magic fixes to get you off the hook. Do the work.'' Dr.D.'98
DNA mt/Haplo H; Y-chrom/J2(M172);ISTJ
The harder you are on yourself, the easier life will be on you!
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kittykar1
Sunday, April 29, 2012, 9:30pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Losing a loved one is very hard and it hasn't been that long since your mother passed. I lost my brother on his 21st birthday. I was only 23, so I understand some of your grief.  It takes a  long while to get over. The feelings you are having are normal and typical. Have you thought about grief couseling or a bereavement support group in your area. Talking with others that have had similar experiences would help you greatly. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has written several good books on grief. Unfortunately long term illness of a family member has destroyed many relationships. It seems that you are grieving two deaths here.

When you are able to deal with your grief, I think your diet and weight loss will fall into place. You did a wonderful thing for your mother by putting your life on hold and I'm sure she thought you are a wonderful son. Just follow the type O plan and do work-out, force yourself to get outdoors and enjoy the sunshine. Take really good care of yourself, now is the time to put yourself first. Start to find joy in the little things and soon the bigger joys will follow. Watch funny movies, I bet that you feel you will never laugh again.

I would recommend books and cd's by Louise Hay for your self esteem. She is a wonderful role model. These can be found on Amazon or at Hayhouse books.

My heart goes out to you and I wish the best of luck.

Karen RN


"A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality."John Lennon

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greenman
Monday, April 30, 2012, 12:02am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Goldie you are so right with what you say.... you said fall in love I am in love but she tells me that she no longer wants me... what can I do... I feel it in my heart and soul that we are right for each other...I don't think that she has accepted my grievement but now she tells me that she has another guy she met at work and is smitten...I worry about this as she is pre-meniposual and has other health issues that she is not confronting.. she is type A

Kitty you said now is the time to put yourself first...I think I have a major problrm with this as I do so much for others..another problem I have is that I don't get hints ..I need people to say right out as to what they mean

Thanks for your support I am trying to re-build myself..and I want this to be a short journey
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ABJoe
Monday, April 30, 2012, 12:35am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Quoted from greenman
I am in love but she tells me that she no longer wants me... what can I do... I feel it in my heart and soul that we are right for each other...I don't think that she has accepted my grievement but now she tells me that she has another guy she met at work and is smitten...I worry about this as she is pre-meniposual and has other health issues that she is not confronting.. she is type A

I think this love is over - a catastrophe of your mother's illness.  She tired of waiting and found another.  It happens, unfortunately.  You are blessed to have been able to give time to your mother, but it sounds like it cost you this love as well...  
Unfortunately as someone else said, we fear you have 2 grievings rather than one.

Quoted from greenman
Kitty you said now is the time to put yourself first...I think I have a major problrm with this as I do so much for others..another problem I have is that I don't get hints ..I need people to say right out as to what they mean

At this time, you have so much on your own plate, you may not have room to help others, unless you are able to help others deal with their grief at the same time you are dealing with yours.  Grief is a very serious stressor, and yours is double.  As such, be very careful about attempting to assist others to your own demise.

On the other hand, if you find someone else dealing with some of the same things you are, you may find a compassionate heart to share feeling with.  God works in mysterious ways!



RH-, ISTJ
Wonderful Wife = A+ Teacher; Darling Daughter = A- SWAMI Explorer
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greenman
Monday, April 30, 2012, 8:13am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Quoted from ABJoe

I think this love is over - a catastrophe of your mother's illness.  She tired of waiting and found another.  It happens, unfortunately.  You are blessed to have been able to give time to your mother, but it sounds like it cost you this love as well...  
Unfortunately as someone else said, we fear you have 2 grievings rather than one.

Maybe you are right that the love is over..this is only 4 days into it so I am still living in hope...I do know that looking after my mother put alot of stress on the relationship and also on me..


At this time, you have so much on your own plate, you may not have room to help others, unless you are able to help others deal with their grief at the same time you are dealing with yours.  Grief is a very serious stressor, and yours is double.  As such, be very careful about attempting to assist others to your own demise.

On the other hand, if you find someone else dealing with some of the same things you are, you may find a compassionate heart to share feeling with.  God works in mysterious ways!



at the moment I am trying to cope with the first grief and now the second is on top of me..wow!! both are very different..with regards to finding someone else at the moment I have no interest in anyone else but her...
I have always been too much of a people pleaser and have often been told that I have to toughen up and be more selfish. I am poor at business because when negotiating for money or looking for money off people I always tend to see their side and relent..I have to improve on this..This is another reason that has got me in the state I am in

I do think that I suffer from a form of depression..I procrastinate alot..sometimes I cannot get out of bed or motivate myself even when I know that small things will go along way to helping me in the longterm..I know here in ireland people would say that I need a kick up the a$$ but I think that there is more too it than that...I have lost the ability to get mad..I suppose I have had so many kicks in life that I have developed an attitude of why bother.. I am not mad as I should be about the breakup just heartbroken, down and hurting...

My self esteem has been very low for a long time and I take criticism to heart

I need to get my life going again and before the break up I was telling her that I was trying to reclaim the old me.. she used to say great but little did I now what was going on..I am still head over heels about her

I love all of this advice and thank you for it

I suppose one good thing is that I am realizing and accepting these problems but want to do something about them...I suppose to get me going I am looking for examples of how the blood type diet helped people mentally and physically and especially anyone who has problems in common like I have

Thanks everyone
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Spring
Monday, April 30, 2012, 4:55pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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MOVE! If it is nothing but beating the daylights out of your pillow or the sofa or whatever. JUST MOVE!!!!! AND get out in  the sun every single chance you get. Soak it up!

If you like to garden, dig in the dirt. I don't know what it is about connecting with the soil that helps with grief of all kinds, and the depression that sometimes goes with it, but it does.

You have made a huge step in connecting with other people and just spreading it all out there. As for the diet helping, we could all write a few volumes about the magic this diet has done for us, but my latest excitement has been about Trehalose, and its wonderful abilities to help us with so many different things. I think mental clarity is something you would really like to get your hands on right now, and this stuff is incredible for that, but there is so much more..... It is on sale right now until midnight - buy two and get one free. I just ordered a new supply of it! I'm a grandmother so mental clarity is very important to me. I'm NOT planning to grow old too quickly if I can help it!! [Oh, I just noticed that you are in Ireland. Not sure if the sale would be going on there or not.]  But even without the Trehalose, you can move, get out in the sun, and dig in the dirt, if you like to do that, and I just know you will be getting better before you know it!!  


"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid." -- Benjamin Franklin
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Patty H
Monday, April 30, 2012, 8:57pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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I second Lola's response - walking is very powerful medicine!  I like to walk alone in the woods so that I can enjoy nature and think.  Some people like to walk with a friends or more than one friend.  Start slowly and build up your distance and pace.  You will find eventually you really look forward to your daily walk and it will help you both physically and mentally.  It does for me, anyway!!!  Wishing you well  


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Goldie
Monday, April 30, 2012, 9:33pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Sam Dan
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I feel it in my heart and soul that we are right for each other...

when a person tells you its over or never started.. then you need to train your self to accept that as 100% so.. never mind all the excuses one would like to make..

It's like a forbidden avoid.. No point in grieving over it.. doing that is self defeating and self HURTful to you..  grief then get on with living..

I was strung along for a long time on something similar and only after I once really looked at it - that I finally was able to just walk away and was never happier then since then..

steel your self and make a clean cut.. then life will be sunshine again..


Being here is invaluable, but not enough. We need ALL the Doctors. I needed them for a very small cancer spot-I could never feel!!! Please do your mammograms! Doing so saved me from cancer later on. I am grateful! Thanks for learning from my experience! I was lucky! I wish the same for YOU!
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greenman
Tuesday, May 1, 2012, 1:26am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Hi I accept that it may be over but I live in hope...maybe I am being foolish..
But we are so right for each other....

I spoke with her mother today and she thought that she may be going through the change..
she has always been overweight and thought that other men would never like her, maybe she is flatterred...I don't know..

Another worry I have is that she is financially solvent in a good way and has her work mate learned this...he is far from solvent

I know the above comments sound desperate on my behalf...however I had found my soul mate.. we are unbelievable togheter. I knew I let her down minding my mother but always sought to explain what was going on..my mother was sick for 13 years, she had nobody else to look after her but me...how could any son let his mother down..evn though my 2 other brothers did..

I am stating that I am hopeful but yes it may not happen

I know I have to build myself up and regain my old self where I was more confident and even cocky..I know I am good at what I do but can be far too soft over payments and I fall for other peoples problems..perhaps this is from being a total carer amd part of my make up

Thanks again
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rosa
Tuesday, May 1, 2012, 8:47am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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I am new to this forum but being a nutritionist I am a major fan and follower of the GTD..I am an O Gatherer...and I definitely  find that in addition to the diamond foods exercise is a definite neccessity..otherwise I would probably have not survived a divorce a few years ago..it keeps the mind clear and weight off!

I live in Ireland too and the wet damp cold weather  and serious lack of sunshine here contributes to depression felt by so many..so perhaps in your case extra Vit D as well as beneficial EFAs would help give you a start on the road to emotional recovery..
I have to say as others have, that this relationship is sooo over..you really must listen to what she is saying to you!...when I left my husband he reported me to my doctor to say he thought I wasn´t thinking straight as I was probably peri-menopausal and he figured my personality had changed..well no! I just wanted out of a deeply dysfuntional marriage with a man who really was never "there" for me in any sense...I am remarried now and happier than I have ever been.

You have one life..live it as well as you can..look after yourself and your own needs...starting with beneficial foods, exercise and supplements..you owe to yourself!!
Time is a great healer...difficult as it is for you now dealing with a double grieving..it will pass and you will have your life back again..

wishing you all the best


INFJ, Enneagram 9. DH A-, 3 grown children all O+.
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Goldie
Tuesday, May 1, 2012, 12:21pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

All Gatherer -70 Scorp/Sag on BTD/GENO 17 year
Sam Dan
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Quoted Text
I know the above comments sound desperate on my behalf...however I had found my soul mate.. we are unbelievable together. I knew I let her down minding my mother but always sought to explain what was going on..my mother was sick for 13 years, she had nobody else to look after her but me...how could any son let his mother down..evn though my 2 other brothers did..


The difference between taking care and loving someone is a small line.. getting used to being needed is a powerful DRUG.. it is better than all the psychotropics.. and addicting.  The last thing a healthy relationship needs is someone who thinks he needs to care /or she feels that she knows better.. The DESPERATION by which we hang on to relationships is exactly what destroys relationships.  BUT with every good by you will learn to become your own advocate and meet someone who will be independent from needs you currently deal with.

The day when you get good and finished giving more then what is good for you, will be the day when you shrug your shoulders and walk off strong and powerful in your own right.  I know it will happen IF you allow it.. The future is yours..  If you need a new person to help with bills then look for a room mate , even if that might mean you sleep in a closet.. get your blinders off and find ways to deal with your personal issues.

Someone once explained to me that many woman act like:  DESPERATE woman wanting to take care of a man.. makes the other person feel useless and demanding of attention, since doormats just don't feel well.  good luck.. accept the reality, because even if the other person returns .. there will always be this small voice that will ask, will it happen again..

Stay / get strong! go on think out of the box, get your cocky back! get your anger up - be annoyed at both of you -- life will be good again..    one of the best things to do when feeling blue is to go in the car and drive where you have space to relax then lift your face and howl like a wolf three times or until you laugh.. instantly feels better.. drive safely.        


Being here is invaluable, but not enough. We need ALL the Doctors. I needed them for a very small cancer spot-I could never feel!!! Please do your mammograms! Doing so saved me from cancer later on. I am grateful! Thanks for learning from my experience! I was lucky! I wish the same for YOU!
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Sahara
Tuesday, May 1, 2012, 2:36pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator
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Just follow the diet and exercise.  Make adjustments as you go & initially try to avoid wheat for at least a month and eat your meat and vegetables etc.
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Patty H
Tuesday, May 1, 2012, 2:40pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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It sounds to me like you have been a caretaker to the extreme.  Maybe a book related to what it means to be a caretaker and how to begin taking care of yourself is in order.  I would recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.  Although it was written for the partners of alcoholics or other people with addictions, it talks a lot about being a caretaker and how to begin taking care of oneself.


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greenman
Tuesday, May 1, 2012, 4:17pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Quoted from Goldie


The difference between taking care and loving someone is a small line.. getting used to being needed is a powerful DRUG.. it is better than all the psychotropics.. and addicting.  The last thing a healthy relationship needs is someone who thinks he needs to care /or she feels that she knows better.. The DESPERATION by which we hang on to relationships is exactly what destroys relationships.  BUT with every good by you will learn to become your own advocate and meet someone who will be independent from needs you currently deal with.

The day when you get good and finished giving more then what is good for you, will be the day when you shrug your shoulders and walk off strong and powerful in your own right.  I know it will happen IF you allow it.. The future is yours..  If you need a new person to help with bills then look for a room mate , even if that might mean you sleep in a closet.. get your blinders off and find ways to deal with your personal issues.

Someone once explained to me that many woman act like:  DESPERATE woman wanting to take care of a man.. makes the other person feel useless and demanding of attention, since doormats just don't feel well.  good luck.. accept the reality, because even if the other person returns .. there will always be this small voice that will ask, will it happen again..

Stay / get strong! go on think out of the box, get your cocky back! get your anger up - be annoyed at both of you -- life will be good again..    one of the best things to do when feeling blue is to go in the car and drive where you have space to relax then lift your face and howl like a wolf three times or until you laugh.. instantly feels better.. drive safely.        


Goldie that was a brilliant post...you have included in it some of the questions that I have asked my self for years, maybe I was too preoccupied to look for answers with other problems . I know that someone once said to me that my mother got sick so I would stay with her. I examined and reflected on this...she may have done it sub-consciously I will never know,,she was a very strong independent woman and loved her job and life when she first got sick..it upset her greatly when she could not go back to work..I realise that I have asked the question in the past as to what was I getting out of this? I did it purely for love for my mother
,,When I first met my lady, it was she who relied on me more, I did not care, I was head over heels and reflecting on later years I was very dependent on her but is that not unusual in a relationship as we were after all soul mates
Patty H -yes I will investigate co-dependency, I think that there is something in this...will get a book from the library..and yes in reflecting I was a caretake to the extreme

Maybe the love is over at the moment I am at a wait and see and if it is to be then it will be..
It is funny that my mother really liked her. She died in december.. This is around the time my lady first developed feelings for her work mate. I was a wreak at the time over her death and still am. Had a dream a few times the same one from my mother telling me to get away from my woman as she was bad for me. I don't know if this was a sixth sense or was my mother talking to me or was it ESP.

Anyway back to me..I am working on facing up to my own problems...
I am grieving...
I am under stress from bills and other issues..
I need to lose weight and get health again in mind and body..
I am accepting that I may have depression as I find it hard to sleep at night always, worrier, cannot get out of bed in the morning even though not asleep, annot get motivated, cannot finish projects, run away from problems, very low self esteem and low confidence (am actually quite good at my job), low self worth, can be an extreme procrastinator always putting things off--I thought that some of these problems were from being brought up in a dysfunctional home-father an extreme alcoholic very manipulitive and always putting us down, our life was for the greater glory of him, we had to tell him how great he was and got no praise in return-mam told me later on in life that he was very jealous of his children..anyway did a few depression tests on line and sure seems like it's a possibility...
I have to get better at business and collecting money, I need to live...
Have to face issues in my life, and also reflecting that I may have an addictive personality..
I am far too much of a people pleaser
Some of the issues I metioned under depression I used to put down to being a caregiver as planning my life was difficult at the time, mother used to collpase for no reason (they never found out why) and I had to do alot of work for her, I had no confidence as to what I would do anyday in case we were traveeling in an ambulance

Anyway these are just a few of the issues that I have to face, looking at the list it seems like I am a trainwreck, I have to rebuild myself in a big way..
I will restart following blood type and genotype diet as I know that they will help with health, I suppose I am looking for encouragement

Thanks for all the great advice on relationships etc it is very good and I am reflecting on this.
My posts are so long you will fall asleep before you get to the end

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greenman  -  Tuesday, May 1, 2012, 4:32pm
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Goldie
Wednesday, May 2, 2012, 9:11am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

All Gatherer -70 Scorp/Sag on BTD/GENO 17 year
Sam Dan
Posts: 5,870
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Location: East Coast
NO .. not long just expressing what is going on.. I can assure you that most people here have experienced the same sense of loss.  That is why some of us are here helping others.  WE GET SO MUCH out of it.. so nice.. AND we have no responsibility, if it does not work.. perfection for care givers.  

My recent run in with a friend when he said: "I don't want advice".. I decided to head his implications and I am no longer giving advise to any one.. KEEPING stuff to myself.. because the truth is that "they don't ever listen any way" so why bother as it seems to irritate the heck out of them any way, no matter the good intentions.. truly a road paved to hell, the kind here on earth..  

Get that book and for that matter go to some AA meetings.. find them in your neighborhood and go to 90 meetings in 90 days.. your depression will be taking a deep breath and might even go away forever.. or you will learn what to do.. NO need to speak, just listen.. and they cost nothing.

Get a new room mate.. pay the bills and every morning stand in front of the mirror and say out loud:  all is Ok and I AM ok.    all the best..


Being here is invaluable, but not enough. We need ALL the Doctors. I needed them for a very small cancer spot-I could never feel!!! Please do your mammograms! Doing so saved me from cancer later on. I am grateful! Thanks for learning from my experience! I was lucky! I wish the same for YOU!
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greenman
Wednesday, May 2, 2012, 10:12am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Hi Goldie..keep giving advice when you are asked, it is up to others to take it or not.
alot of what you said is excellent, I cannot tell the story of my life in a few messages on a forum but you have cottoned on quite quickly to alot of my problems

The AA meeting idea has confused me, I may or may not be an alcoholic, I accept it is seriously in my family, I will say that I do not know if I am one or not, This is something I will seriously think about.
I just wonder as to how it will help my foilbles at the moment, or, are you trying to say that my foilbles are those of an alcoholic? If so I am quite interested and am listening
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greenman
Wednesday, May 2, 2012, 10:30am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Location: ireland west
Goldie, what happens at aa meetings?...is it just different people talking about their problems with drink or is there advice on curing? At the moment I do not know if other people talking about their problems would help, or maybe it would? I have always been a good friend to people and have always put others first, I would not like to get into a situation where I find someone at a meeting who needs help and I start helping them? or is that the way it works.

Being there for people has probably consiously and sub-consciously made me feel good about my self some how and could be why I do it, maybe that is my return. I suppose the problem is that putting others first has left me in the place I am. It is in my nature to be kind and loving to people, helping others, but I can now see that it has left me where I am. My mother was the same she did everything for everyone and when she needed help she was deserted and I was the only one there, my mother was always there for me and that is another reason as to why I did everything for her. Everyone says that I am a good person and I am...I have loads of faults and I want to regain my life again

I really appreciate all of your comments
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Amazone I.
Thursday, May 3, 2012, 5:41am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Kyosha Nim
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beautiful comments from Rosa, greenman and Goldieshatz ...bravo

I think some kilos too much might also be a sign of insecurity and that we might feel
more importance with the kilos then without ... gives us more tranquility....but also words won't hurt that much... ...

the more we can let go all kinds of psychological things and agreements change... the easier for any weighloss anyway .... this fits expressis verbis for me... the program of Don Miguel Ruiz and his *five agrteements* is nothing but beautiful and fits to all and everybody- every-one... ...

transactional analysis versu MBTI-tests or enneagram ... we've to take care with what we're going to identify... it leaves you there....so far try to understand that your *self* always is empty..it depends what kind of meaning (words) you're going to attach.......


MIfHI K-174
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RhodaMaria
Thursday, May 3, 2012, 7:39am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator
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Goldie, Rosa and Isa, you give great advice to Greenman!

Giving and taking is such a fragile balance. Before you know you are giving more than you have, leaving yourself completely empty(handed!!)..

I get a lot of clients in my practice with loads of problems. They come to me for foodadvice, but there are always many more issues.. Taking care of others is great, but never, ever at the cost of your own health, is what I try to convey. The only 'must' you have to obey in this life is taking good care of yourself.. The only spiritual law we have to obey in order to grow and learn in this life.

Greenman, my advice for you is, face your grief, start your Bloodtype or Genotype diet, get stronger physically by walking, hiking outdoors. Get moving!! Do something to get the dark clouds out of your mind. Staying in bed and feeling sorry for yourself will get you deeper in the dirt. Respect your wife's decision! Everybody is responsable for their own life, their own happiness and unhappiness!! There is noone to blame for your unhappinness but you.. Sounds harsh but it so true. You are the conductor of your own life for better and for worse..

And what I experience from what you tell about your mother, is that she 'claimed' you when she fell ill. Your brothers refused to be claimed. You were there to be claimed.
After a marriage of 27 years I stopped being claimed by my husband.. When I left him he told me I was soo selfish.. No, time was up, it was time to take good care of myself. The decision, timing and perseverence to take care of myself, could only be taken after 6 years on this gorgeous diet and with the help of a few dear friends who showed me the way I was then ready to follow.

Wish you all the selfesteem you can obtain and choose to be happy with yourself in the first place.. Others will follow once you have found yourself.

You are in good company on this board. Listen and learn. You are not the only one on this road..
Mind you, the only lasting relationship you will have till you die, is the relationship with yourself.. so cherish it..

Take good care of yourself.

Cocky  
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greenman
Thursday, May 3, 2012, 8:57am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Thanks again for all the advice..it is so appreciated
My lady and I had a relationship which could also be described as best friends we talked about everything our most intimate thoughts, we were always there for each other, she knew me inside out and we really were there for each other.
The last few years took a large toll on my life and I have to face that.
I have always had a problem with self esteem, denial of problems and procrastination, I have other problems that were listed before.

My attitude now is whatever will be will be and if she is happier elsewhere then I have to be happy for her because I love her

The reason that I said that I was worried that it was health problems is because she thinks that she is pre-menopausal, I am not using the usual man thing and using this as an excuse. She is 45 kilos (98 lbs) overweight and suffers from self esteem problems in relation to that. She has become very forgetful lately and then would argue with me about things said when they were either never said. Also, there is a strong history of breast cancer in her family, and for the last six months she would not let me touch her chest and would not talk about it. She is a very private person but lately she tells anyone all about her private life, if you knew her this is way out in left field. She is doing things that were very unlike her. The good news is that she is finacially solvent and a house owner. The new man has nothing. The feelings for the man started when she started having trouble with the other women at work and she cannot handle confrontation. I just wonder that did he start being nice to her and that she found a shoulder to support her when I was not there for her in my grieving. She can be a sucker for a sad story. I know that this sounds desperate but as I say if it is to be then it will be, but as I love her, we were together for 20 years so I don't want her to make a mistake or get hurt. Please note that I have spoken here about our relationship in the past which I hope shows that I am trying to get over it, its very hard but I am trying and thanks for the help. I do find talking on line in private is helping me.

16 years ago I got very sick and broke out in a rash all over my body except at one part. The doctors were confused and said it could be scarlet fever or glandular fever or something similiar. I was in bed for 13 weeks and my recovery took a long time, it was never fully diagnosed and the recovery took over 6 months and probably longer if I am honest. I still feel the weakness above my knees from time to time. I recently read in the paper about a man who lives one mile from my house who got this at exactly the same time, he was left in a bad mental state where he has the mental age of 7 and will never get any better and has been like that since. I am begining to wonder if this caused me some mental problems at the time. This is something that I will never know.

As stated before in various posts I think that I suffer from a form of depression, could be ocd, and have self esteem and self confidence issues and an addictive personality. I will have to accept given my behaviour lately that I may have alcohol problems as I have overdrun in the past. I did the test on line and actually ticked a few boxes. I have to work on all of these issues as I must heal my mind and body. My procrastination can be dreadful. I look around the room and Its filthy, got to clean it but its been like this for years, find it hard to finish tasks

My business is in trouble as I have huge difficulty getting paid and I poor at collecting money. It is the main profession that is effected by the recession in this country.

I realise that it is only I who can cure myself and I am hoping that btd will help me. wow my posts are so long.

Thanks for your help.
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greenman
Thursday, May 3, 2012, 10:37am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Hi, its me again.
Finally I did something positive.
After the last post I turned on the radio. Immediately there was an add for depression so I checked the website and rang the number.
I spoke with them, having already gone through the system checker on line.
So, I have applied to enroll in group therapy for depression.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I will be nervous going, the usual things can I talk about my problems in public. Will I be recognised? Will people tell others that I was ther? I don't know and at the moment don't care.
When they listed on the website typical problems with depression i.e. not the usual problems but indepth things, it was like I was reading about my life online.

I realise now that when I was telling myself that I was lazy, had no zest for life, insecure etc that this was not me being a train wreck but that I suffer from depression.
Wow, this is a real self realisation moment for me and something I denied for years.
I suppose that I am an O after all.
I have reflected on my father who is a severe alcoholic , off the drink for 30 years, his personality actually got worse when he was sober, and I can now see that amongst other issues he had, that he does suffer from depression, and perhaps alcohol was one of his ways of coping with it. It has actually helped me to forgive him slightly. The deviousness and using and other things he did to me will take longer to deal with.

I am nervous and excited.
I have to sign a statement to say that I will commit to 6 sessions, hope that I can follow through on that.

I have had massive kicks in the a$$ in my life. The lady leaving me has been the worst thing that has happened to me. I feel a million times worse (a different feeling) than when my mother passed and I was very bad then. my heart has been ripped out of me.

I hope that I get into the therapy and will have to wait a week or so to find out.
Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Thanks for all your help.

I have texted my lady as I want to tell her. This is not a desperate call to tell her that 'I have depresssion you better take me back' rather I think that she has the right to know about the problem and apologise to her for having to put up with me.

Onwards and upwards hopefully fingers and toes crossed..please
The greenman has to get his life back
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Amazone I.
Thursday, May 3, 2012, 11:58am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Kyosha Nim
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MIfHI K-174
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rosa
Thursday, May 3, 2012, 12:27pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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It is so wonderful that you have taken the first step to your new life...the new one will bring you incredible insights and gifts..I´m sure of it

Certainly you are not alone...but when you have reached the depths of grief and lonliness which you are experiencing it feels like there is no way out..except to go further into the darkness of our own despair!!! But you now have opened a chink of light for yourself...the synchronicity of hearing something on the radio or reading about it somewhere which speaks directly to our present needs never ceases to amaze me!!

Finding the right support, whether in a group or a personal counsellor, is vital to give you the energy to do what is right for you...for once put your own needs first...for many of us Gatherers that is the toughest task as we like to nurture and look after everyone else ( which is why we tend to  numb & suffocate our own needs with addictions to food and drink)...I know I did(food!) & neglect our own emotional needs...but there always comes a wake-up call in some form or other!

(I don´t know if anyone else on this forum has used EFT (meridian tapping) but there is a wonderful world summit taking place online next week,FREE!..it is a wonderful tool you can use to get past blocks whether emotional,financial etc..perhaps Greenman you might like to try it..)

wishing you all the best


INFJ, Enneagram 9. DH A-, 3 grown children all O+.
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Seraffa
Thursday, May 3, 2012, 6:39pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Quoted from greenman
..I don't think that she has accepted my grievement but now she tells me that she has another guy she met at work and is smitten...I worry about this as she is pre-meniposual and has other health issues that she is not confronting.. she is type A

..I need people to say right out as to what they mean

Thanks for your support I am trying to re-build myself..and I want this to be a short journey


......your partner had all the time in the world to tell you what she meant, and she didn't. Now she's wrecking your life with her choices (perimenopausal or not) and if you can take a good hard look at some point of what you glossed over with romance in your relationship, you will see some very negative things that you will want to avoid getting sucked into in ANY dealings with any woman. You're not married, as you say - so - you're free to go! I feel better for YOU than I do for her.

"A short journey" is relative. Think about what you will say to yourself each day about the failed relationship. The trick is not deluding yourself into trying to "work to make it all better." You did enough work already. Start bringing more positive things into your life. You can't force your feelings to heal at a certain rate; but you can be kind to yourself in making little notes every now and then about how you see yourself healing. Then you can look back on it later, and be proud, instead of remembering a tumult of abandoned feelings, loss, and betrayal.

I look back now on anyone who left me high and dry or took advantage of me and I feel sorry that I had to learn the hard way, but am truly happy that I never have to be swept up with them ever again. So don't put her on a pedestal. Learn to put yourself on the pedestal every once in awhile. Give yourself the utmost credit, where credit is due each day. It will do you good. You're not the first man this has happened to, but it is sad that it has to happen at all to anybody,and that's because of the immaturity of the human race.

Let HER approach you about going to counseling together, or whatnot, if she ever has  Don't extend yourself downwards to her level. Don't waste time with thinking of suggestions for her;  find an emotional support group for yourself in your area instead of "the drink". Because "The drink" sure as h*** isn't going to talk to you when you're feeling down. Gradually make new friends. Come back here often. Ireland's got enough genetic alcoholics, so don't be on the volunteer squad to become one of the newest manifestations of 'em. There's no need.


INFJ/ENFJ wings 3+4, Numerology: 1
Sun Pisc. Moon Capr. ASC Virg. N.Node Gem. S. Node Sagg.

Mortal life is a stay in a vast hospital ward.
(Eastern Orthodoxy +)

Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential. (Churchill)

SWAMI-saved from bulimia!
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greenman
Thursday, May 3, 2012, 11:37pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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seffafa i believe that you know a lot about the irish psyche even though maybe you are not irish. tell us more!?!
anyway we had a chat tonight, what she is doing is not her, she is working for a child, she thinks she will never have one, with another man, and forgetting what i have gone through lately in my life... i would gladly have children with her in fact it would be fantastic.
ok this is the second time that this has happenned to me  another girl years ago, i put my hand up and it is hard and yes i am really hurt, i am extremely sensitive..

lets go back to me...i have applied for the depression course and hope that i get it..
i sat down with my father who is now in aa and spoke honestly with him about my drinking of late, this was huge for both of us, he told me that he did not think i was an alcohlolic but just watch yourself...he has been in aa for 30 years, i told him what was going on, this is our first conversation in years

i have decided even though under severe financial pressure to join a gym.. i will do that within the next 2 weeks.. i am going to regain my life back again..

my ex was laughing at me today, what she is doing is so unlike her, she is never sarcastic and abhors this,  she was arrogant and looking down on me,so unlike her,  i said 'did you think of me lately?' her reply was that i(greenman) may do the final thing!! she didnot say that she would try to stop me, i have decided to fight back, please support me!!
i have to be myself, if she has changed overnight even if it is the change, lets re-build me...

i believed we were soul mates but maybe there is someone else for me somewhere. there may  or maybe not for me today, tomorrow, next year whenever or never lets see what happens.. the journey continues

i am hurt badly and heartbroken but seffara as we say in ireland "here we go, her we go!!"

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greenman  -  Thursday, May 3, 2012, 11:51pm
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Seraffa
Friday, May 4, 2012, 1:58am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Well....I know the other O's here will help you out a lot, Greenman. Just as the A's have helped me (yet everyone helps me, really.) Some days will always be better than others. I still forget to factor that in, every once in awhile. Today I felt like I had been thrown over the handlebars of a bicycle - as if I had been going top speed - and then crashed. Some days really will be "take it just one day at a time" or maybe " a couple hours at a time." No one can be perfectly calm, but we work at it, and gain a little more wisdom each day. It's really nice talking to you on this day in particular; THANK YOU.


INFJ/ENFJ wings 3+4, Numerology: 1
Sun Pisc. Moon Capr. ASC Virg. N.Node Gem. S. Node Sagg.

Mortal life is a stay in a vast hospital ward.
(Eastern Orthodoxy +)

Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential. (Churchill)

SWAMI-saved from bulimia!
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RhodaMaria
Friday, May 4, 2012, 7:14am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator
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Bravo Greenman!

You started to change your pattern! Awareness is the key to action!!  

Take care!

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Sahara
Friday, May 4, 2012, 5:20pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry, I meant to edit my post & forgot.  Since you have been through a  lot of stress you might want to consider Bach or California Flower Essences (FES) to address your grief issues.  Most Whole Foods sell the Bach line which has many good essences but not as many for grief & loss.  I hope you feel better.  Just eating some meat might make you feel instantly better also.
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greenman
Saturday, May 5, 2012, 10:27am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Thanks again everyone   you do not realise how marvellous that you all are and I hope to return the favour..This is one of the craziest time of my life and I hope to grow from it..

Since this happened "the breakup" I have been leading a destructive lifestyle...IT STOPS NOW!!
I have to rebuild myself

Actually went to a seminar yesterday to do with my work, this is something that I have neglected for a long time, I networked, something I am not good at but did it, whether anything comes from it or not I do not know, but I did it.

Now do not give out but as I said I have been destructive for the last week, eating wrong foods, and barely eating, drinking alcohol and can barely sleep more than two to three hours a night, I look terrible! I really need to sleep but cannot, sleeping has always been a problem for me..

However before the conference the photographer from the local paper asked me and a few others to pose for a photo for the local paper..I did not walk away, I would have done this lately..anyway at least I will laugh when I look at myself in the paper next week

I am dissapointed that I have no news from the treating depression course yet, when I get that and hopefully get in, then I will relax a bit

I will drop by here from time to time to talk and get support if that is ok, I need it
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gardengirl
Saturday, May 5, 2012, 2:15pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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I wouldn't "toughen up and be more selfish" just become more aware if people are trying to use you or take from you. Compassion is a great thing to have and I wish more people had it.
As far as the diet and exercise go it's up to you to get going at start up. Ugh, I finally got back into the exercise routine in the past six months or so (and I kind of hate it) and the results are fantastic so I keep motivated with that. Just attempt, keep it up or keep on attempting, it's not like you can't try again if you can't get into it. This is the longest I have ever exercised (at a high intensity level) ever, in my life. Trust me, I am lazy (no, I am not calling you lazy or anyone else) just me, so the fact I am do it, I think anyone could - how's that for self esteem - haha.  Really though, do think of yourself first but also to remember everyone else surrounding us.
Oh, past experience - moving on from someone who doesn't "want you" - BEST EXPERIENCE EVER!
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greenman
Sunday, May 6, 2012, 12:16am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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garden girl thanks very much..
believe or not if garden girl means something she was a horticulturist whose first job was in canada ....wow!!
thanks for this line
'Oh, past experience - moving on from someone who doesn't "want you" - BEST EXPERIENCE EVER'

yes i am finding it very hard and harder some of her comments and actions are so unlike her like crazy.
will definitely walk fo a good few hours tomorrow and trying to get started
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Seraffa
Sunday, May 6, 2012, 4:15am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Quoted from greenman
garden girl thanks very much..
believe or not if garden girl means something she was a horticulturist whose first job was in canada ....wow!!
thanks for this line
'Oh, past experience - moving on from someone who doesn't "want you" - BEST EXPERIENCE EVER'

yes i am finding it very hard and harder some of her comments and actions are so unlike her like crazy.
will definitely walk fo a good few hours tomorrow and trying to get started


Hey Greenman - most women are aware of what happens to them during midlife crisis and menopause and how many physical treatments there are out there to help them SO..........keep your feet a-walkin' . The only thing worse would be to still be living with them while they are cheating with you....been there...worn the #$%^" T-shirt my friend.......I was fortunate not to have jumped off a bridge when I found out..........its 9 years later now and I hardly ever remember the incident. Life will be good to you!    Are those "soothing" teas for type O's tasty to drink?




INFJ/ENFJ wings 3+4, Numerology: 1
Sun Pisc. Moon Capr. ASC Virg. N.Node Gem. S. Node Sagg.

Mortal life is a stay in a vast hospital ward.
(Eastern Orthodoxy +)

Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential. (Churchill)

SWAMI-saved from bulimia!
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Seraffa
Sunday, May 6, 2012, 4:22am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km4-eKvv3EM     
I'll dance with you later, when you've got your dancing shoes back on again.


INFJ/ENFJ wings 3+4, Numerology: 1
Sun Pisc. Moon Capr. ASC Virg. N.Node Gem. S. Node Sagg.

Mortal life is a stay in a vast hospital ward.
(Eastern Orthodoxy +)

Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential. (Churchill)

SWAMI-saved from bulimia!
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Amazone I.
Sunday, May 6, 2012, 10:53am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Kyosha Nim
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I'll join from Switzerland ... *triple sec*


MIfHI K-174
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greenman
Sunday, May 6, 2012, 3:01pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Seraffa and Amazone I., I am hugely complemented, have to warn you both I am a useless dancer but I suppose lets have fun.

Two ladies in the one day asking me to dance, wow, I am smiling  while typing this now, Thanks
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Dianne
Sunday, May 6, 2012, 4:46pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Mind you, the only lasting relationship you will have till you die, is the relationship with yourself.. so cherish it..

Take good care of yourself.

Cocky  
[/quote]

Very good thread with much good advice from everyone and the above quote from Cocky is powerful because it has the ring of truth. I am going to memorize this line. We all have to keep one foot in front of the other and be reminded of how wonderful we all are!   Thanks to everyone.
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Goldie
Tuesday, May 8, 2012, 1:02pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Greenman.. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.. millions of people that have lived with people that where affected by alcohol all suffer one way or the other.  WE do not have to be alcoholics to suffer from those issues.  

I am concerned about therapies that cost you money, there is at this time in your life NO need to spend any.  AA type meetings all speak to issues.  Some meetings start out with a topic as to that day's reading, while others are 'open' .. At all time the listening is as important than is the talking.  

AFTER a time in some meetings you will see that EACH of the meetings is addressing some part within your own life experience.  IT is in that identifying with, that the healing happens. Talking and talk therapy is way less effective than hearing different interpretations of similar issues. Talking is more about power..others being more (knowledgeable) (authoritative) (focused on making money)  

The best part about 'anonymous' meetings is the understanding that what is talked there - stays there.  There is 100 year history there and one or two books well worth reading.  Look for on ACOA book.. They are specific for adults who where children in alcoholic families and who developed unhealthy relationships as a result of not having HEALTHY boundaries.  

The meetings will change your life.  BUT try to commit your self to a number of them, if not in one group than in several different groups .. AA that is.. There are many in every town and city.  In the end you will find comfort and understanding in all of the sayings, the learning and the 'freedom' of attending them in a place where no one 'will be lore or less than who you are..

Try to find one with older men in the meetings.  They have wisdom and understanding.

Eating right is a good thing.. it will give you the strength needed to go to meetings and open the chains on your body/brain and let fresh air in.  All the best..   By the way we all could use such meetings.. there is no one who would not benefit.. if the 'spiritual' readings make you uneasy, as some might preach more than is expected, just look at it as being "their' need not yours.. You soon will see that it is not about 'them' but all about you.  

As for helping.. it is not encouraged there, other than during the meetings - makes for much more respect.  

and keep your own council- as the examples given will NEVER depend on what went on in your own life, BUT the LEARNING will be directly related to YOUR own circumstances.  No need to lay your self bare.. no need to compromise.  Just listen. take notes and post a saying or two on your own private walls and when you read them again and again you will encourage learning about life - your life.  All the best.    ___ in stopping circular thinking..              


Being here is invaluable, but not enough. We need ALL the Doctors. I needed them for a very small cancer spot-I could never feel!!! Please do your mammograms! Doing so saved me from cancer later on. I am grateful! Thanks for learning from my experience! I was lucky! I wish the same for YOU!
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Amazone I.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012, 1:55pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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greenman
Tuesday, May 8, 2012, 5:24pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Thank you all
Goldie I have been accepted on the depression course, it is free, just have to commit to 6 meetings,

Will be very nervous going into it.
AA-meetings I spoke openly with my father about them, for the first time in years, he thinks that the drinking is a reaction to mothers death and loss of my partner but we will talk more about this

I met her parents today.. they are as devastated as I am..They don't interfere, but they were very kind and understanding to me
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Seraffa
Tuesday, May 8, 2012, 7:07pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

Explorer!
Ee Dan
Posts: 2,324
Gender: Female
Location: Houston, TX
Age: 49
Quoted from greenman
Thank you all
Goldie I have been accepted on the depression course, it is free, just have to commit to 6 meetings,

Will be very nervous going into it.
AA-meetings I spoke openly with my father about them, for the first time in years, he thinks that the drinking is a reaction to mothers death and loss of my partner but we will talk more about this

I met her parents today.. they are as devastated as I am..They don't interfere, but they were very kind and understanding to me


YAY!
Well, the good part is, the others will too and you can look and see if you build a friendship from it, as well as retaining your other friends.
And yes when people go all hormonal and crazy and don't tend to themselves...it impacts more than just you, and people will notice, so, she's not off scot-free by any means.
I hope you go out and get yourself a nice new set of clothes once you complete the 6 weeks course. You would deserve it.   "HER LOSS!!!" You're further ahead in the game than she is................!!!




INFJ/ENFJ wings 3+4, Numerology: 1
Sun Pisc. Moon Capr. ASC Virg. N.Node Gem. S. Node Sagg.

Mortal life is a stay in a vast hospital ward.
(Eastern Orthodoxy +)

Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential. (Churchill)

SWAMI-saved from bulimia!
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Goldie
Tuesday, May 8, 2012, 7:50pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

All Gatherer -70 Scorp/Sag on BTD/GENO 17 year
Sam Dan
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Gender: Female
Location: East Coast
Move on every day and leave the past to it's own time.. It was all a lesson and it will serve you well when you let go of old patterns.. The conversation with your father was good if it did not hurt either of you.. His drinking and or your experiences about his drinking will reveal a lot about your mom also.  Some men drink to forget, some to drown their sorrow, and some so they can be with the person they are with - for leaving would be too painful.  Often the ones 'playing' the games, of blame, of excuses, of caring of sharing, often the ones IN the cycle have no clue.. learning about such things is a part of a journey to stop the cycle in the next three generations.  You see life and the experience of it does neither start nor end with you..

Have patience and learn to trust that there is way more to life then just TODAY.. trust that you will get through this so long as you leave bitterness and blame on the side of the road.. a package never to be picked up again.. This takes training but focusing on today and now will help to accomplish space and time between the pain ans sorrow.. when you come through on the far end of this narrow street, the world will open and be bright and sunny again..   picture it in your mind.. it's really quite a beautiful spot.. deep in your own mind and heart.    


Being here is invaluable, but not enough. We need ALL the Doctors. I needed them for a very small cancer spot-I could never feel!!! Please do your mammograms! Doing so saved me from cancer later on. I am grateful! Thanks for learning from my experience! I was lucky! I wish the same for YOU!
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Sahara
Tuesday, May 8, 2012, 9:01pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator
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Use Bach flower essences for a hassle free approach to clearing emotional problems- just take the drops and get on with your life.
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Amazone I.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012, 9:19pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

Rh+ GT 4...E/..INTJ ....prop.=non-taster..
Kyosha Nim
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something new overthere   ......


MIfHI K-174
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ruthiegirl
Tuesday, June 12, 2012, 10:42pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

SWAMI O+ Gatherer, Healing from Fibromyalgia
Kyosha Nim
Columnists and Bloggers
Posts: 12,139
Gender: Female
Location: New York
Age: 42
We can only go forward from where we are now- the past is over.

All of us struggle sometimes with eating right and taking care of ourselves, so don't beat yourself up over poor choices in the past, even if it was just the past few days and your'e still feeling the physical side effects of those poor choices.

Focus on eating good foods- don't think so much about avoiding the bad ones. That can come later, after you've nourished your body with more good foods and the depression is more under control.


Ruth, Single Mother to 19yo   O- Leah , 18yo O- Hannah, and  12yo B+ Jack


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