JJR.. what a nice response.. thank you..
So let me go another step, more for em than you.. .... and if no one wants to go down this road with my meanderings, it is ok..
Yesterday, I had been working on a proposal that really means so many things to me.. connected to self esteem and a lot of other issues..
So I was writing the proposal for hours, changing the style, a word, a coma, and then taking out whole paragraphs, putting them back in and so for hours.. stupid hours as I think the first memo would have been just as good as the final one..
but my LEARNED insecurity drove me NUTS.. it would not let me rest, or get to a resolution, or just let me leave it alone.. I felt ever more pressure.. I could not stop even myself, from stressing all the while, all alone in my own house.. FOR NO REASON AT ALL>
It got finally to the point where it was 3pm and I just finished the words and added one part to the intro AND pushed SEND.. finally I felt the chips had to fall where they might - good bad or indifferent- it just had to be done.. IT will never matter one way or the other.. life will go on.. and life is good..
YET, I near drove ME to 'drink, eat, jump off a bridge, or bang my head against a wall or create a fence around me so big I could never climb over it' ....... I was actually FEELING that I WAS settling into MY MIND and BODY connections a 'story' of utter failure, of utter disgust, hopelessness and great frustration, feeling HELPLESS and full of despair... FOR NO REASON..
I could feel that IF I was NOT going to find a way to laugh, or cry, or express my thinking, then something was SETTLING into my body FROM all that mental stuff, AND I WOULD GET SICK, be it now for a heart condition, over eating sweets to blow my diabetes to smithereens, get a heart attack, or worse let it settle in my psychy and BODY to actually start a sickness develop for years from now! FOR NO REASON..
You see I was way 'out' there.. making me and my body, and most of all my brain TRY to do UNDERSTAND why this was so life IMPORTANT that I was willing to get sick over it to die.. .....
NOT for real, BUT remember: the body never forgets, the mind does not know truth from fiction.. you can tell your mind to believe anything/ and yesterday it was going to believe!
.. BUT not the body.. the body knows truth.
SO IF I allowed my brain to feel and talk to IT SELF as IF life was all trouble, not worth living, to difficult, .. THEN the brain might actually react to that negativety and send out all the wrong signals to my body organs .. making me sick, now or later... FOR NO REASON...
Those body organs would have to respond in the way NEVER intended, but they would make the best out of those 'wrongful' instructions, AND the damage would be done... and IF I was not aware that this could be possible, then I would never know about just how sick I REACTED to a stupid memo.. FOR NO REASON.
The crazy stuff is that I could send that memo out in a year from now.. it would make no difference.. no one would have known except me..SO, how stupid could I be? to WORK MY-SELF up? into such ridiculous behavior?
.. FOR NO REASON.. mind you life is good..
IF a 5 year old would behave like that, I would have scolded him.. INSTEAD.. I had to scold ME and tell ME to settle down sit and meditate, breath, let go, calm MY BODY reactions down to something looking way more normal..
!! making ME good with life again.. FIXING circular thinking...
IF I did not do that yesterday, consciously, aware, of whatever part of my brain was still functioning PROPERLY, I could have become sick, now or later... that I am certain of.. !!!!
BECAUSE IF MISTAKEN THINKING>>
...... the bad part about such .. relative.. small moments in life is what BUILDS over time, and while my mind forgets, the body never does!!!!!!!!!!!1 and the next time WHEN I would be talking to the person who the memo was mailed to, --- then I might react to in total OVER BLOWN FEAR - realted of immagined failure.. FOR NO REASON<
other then the brain is misssssinformed and tells the body functions to react in the same old way.. IT DID YESTERDAY..
so MY SURVIVAL MODE of yesterday (IF I DON"T FIX IT) becomes 'my' NORMAL response to ANY SIMILAR stress situation... all under ground of my own awareness!!!.. and FOR NO REASON at all, just old stuff kicking up.
IN THE END I got lucky, ....... a friend came by..... and I was able to talk and get my frustration out, I meditated, I re-thought my behavior, and I DECIDED that I NEED to RE-view some old patterns, because ........ it is some old similar situation that got ME triggered YESTERDAY--- STRARTING WITH ME feeling insecure, pushing ME so I could not WAIT for next week to send the proposal, and that I had to make it perfect, to fix it a thousand times for NO reason at all.. Just some OLD memories stuff kicking up and MAKING ME ILL..
JJR, your words came just the right time.. you gave me back some of my own dignity- lost for a while- and gave me another lease on life.. trying to stay healthy.. so here goes today..
I will eat SWAMI. I will be happy, I will relax, I will do all I can to REPAIR the damage I did yesterday.. and your words helped.. Thanks..