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SandrAruba
Monday, December 27, 2010, 10:33am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Ee Dan
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I've been suspecting it for a while now, she has been very forgetful, but in the last weeks it has become much worse and on Christmas day it just became painfully obvious when she said that all the phonenumbers she needed were stored in the phone at home on Aruba. She hasn't lived in Aruba since 91 and her numbers are stored in her own phone here in Holland. After that she proceeded to say that she's staying there (she lived on Aruba for 35 years and moved back to Holland after dad passed away).

Up till now she has been saying that she forgets so many things because it just doesn't interest her anymore, but of course that is just not true. Coming Thursday we are flying home (Aruba) for three weeks and she's coming with us. I wasn't going to have her spend new years eve alone again like last year when my brother told her at the last moment that she couldn't come. She's been looking forward to that so much, but still can't remember that we're flying the 30th.

Of course it's a struggle for me as well. I am so glad I am following my GTD, it makes me mentally stronger and I think I'm going to need it. I've already searched the board for any posts on this subject and found a few. I have no idea if I can get her on the supplements suggested. I do know that I will have her near me for three weeks, so I can try to at least have her eat according to her bloodtype. She's an A like me, so that makes things so much easier. I am also bringing a lot of Spelt with me so I can make my own bread there and have her eat that instead of regular bread.

At this moment I am just struggling the most with my own feelings on the subject. After all, I am the youngest so I will be the first one that will be forgotten. Last in, first out so to speak. I'm reading up on the subject on what to expect, but no where can I find what you can do best. Should I tell her that she's forgetfull, should I tell her she already told that story for the 10th time? What to do, what not to do?

And then when we get home... I don't think it's a good idea for her to go back to her house all alone again. I plan on talking to her in those three weeks and see if I can get her to make a testament (really not looking forward to that battle with my siblings when she passes away). And just for the record, my sister has talked to my mother twice over the last two years and my brother only calls her when the kids need gifts (birthdays and christmas) or when he needs a babysitter at the last moment.

Not really expecting anyone to have the answers, but it's nice to vent a little.




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balletomane
Monday, December 27, 2010, 10:59am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Hi Sandra,
I don't have any ready solution to offer but just want to let you know that I give you my support. The holiday is a challenging time for families--nothing feels worse when the family does not feel "intact" around this time of year. But you are doing a great job being around for your mother! Your presence surely makes a difference to her. (((Hugs)))


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Goldie
Monday, December 27, 2010, 11:48am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Sam Dan
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Trying times.. wills and testaments are miserable things to create.. hassles' no matter what .. and painful for everyone.. can you get a will written up and a Healthcare Proxy as well and have her sign it.. do you feel opposition for the will or will it go smooth?  Will you be the one taking over and be the one giving the care or will you at least have the financial means to do so.  Caregiving can and is expencive.. I lived trough it..

No matter what, these are trying times, and if she is already this forgetful, then a will can even be contested. There are no good solutions to this .. a family friend (attorney/accountant) sometimes is better to get things settled taking the sting out for everyone. Or take down some words in a taped conversation.  BUT the sting of hurt is big no matter which way one deals with it.  Even a will all in order does not prevent chaos.  and health care instructions are also at best difficult when there is little cohesion in the care given.

having said all that, Steel your self to a long stressful time.. as for talking to mom, it is best to find words that go along with what she is saying at the time.. making her stress over having forgotten or not remembered is worse and will make her even more angry and you too.. find ways to defuse situations up front by preventing some things, but then I am certain you already know some of all this .. sometimes a few minutes in a 'bathroom' is all one can do..

I wish you much strength and all the wisdom in the world.  May your vacation time be wonderful for good memories,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iiM9QVdJyVQ hope you enjoy..


Being here is invaluable, but not enough. We need ALL the Doctors. I needed them for a very small cancer spot-I could never feel!!! Please do your mammograms! Doing so saved me from cancer later on. I am grateful! Thanks for learning from my experience! I was lucky! I wish the same for YOU!
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SandrAruba
Monday, December 27, 2010, 11:59am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Quoted from Goldie
  find ways to defuse situations up front by preventing some things, but then I am certain you already know some of all this .. sometimes a few minutes in a 'bathroom' is all one can do..


On the phone issue I told her it got stolen and as such she won't be able to use it anymore. Thought that was pretty creative instead of telling her she was confusing phones.





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Ekalia
Monday, December 27, 2010, 12:28pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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I don't really know what to say - you have a difficult time ahead and you mum is lucky to have a daughter who is as supportive as you. Be strong.

My grandmother had dementia for a number of years before passing at the age of 92. It was difficult particularly for my mum when Grandma couldn't remember who mum was or my uncle, but we tried when talking to Grandma to always let her know we loved her and to accept that she would repeat things many times, so to not get cross with the repetition but behave as if we heard it for the first time.

When she would forget someone, we would remind her, gently. One time I visited her she obviously didn't recognise me when I started talking to her, even though I greeted her with a cheery 'Hello Grandma!', but after about 15 minutes I saw the light in her eyes as she suddenly realised who was talking to her and while heartbreaking it was also wonderful to see the memories are there just not always accessible. She would be talking to me (aged about 30) and asking how my brother was getting on at school as if he was about 12 (my brother is 4 years younger than me) and would be so surprised and delighted when I told her he had done well at school and was all grown up now.

My grandmother was a very special lady who never had an unkind word for anyone, she is loved, missed and remembered.

My thoughts are with you SandrAruba, take of your mum and of yourself.


Me A+, my son O+, my other half O+
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deblynn3
Monday, December 27, 2010, 12:59pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Pictures, go over them with her, these help as a gentle reminder of her life. I'd record and write down all those stories. Sounds like your doing best for her. Take time out for yourself, if you have her come live with you find someone who will come and visit her and let you get out and that you must. I've taken care of the mother of a friend who was in the late stages of Alzheimer's. Usually they are better in the morning and kind of start to lose it after 3PM so plan your time with her in the mornings. It is good to make the trip now. At some point she will be very unsettled if taken into new situations. Look for organizations that will help you in your area do this soon. my love to you and your mom.


Swami, 100% me..
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Goldie
Monday, December 27, 2010, 1:13pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Quoted Text
Usually they are better in the morning and kind of start to lose it after 3PM


There is a condition called something to do with onset of evening confusion.  It would help to have on OTT light -I think its called for full spectrum- to be used early in the morning for 30 minutes .. a lamp while eating or sitting someplace early in the day to reset the 'time', ..


Being here is invaluable, but not enough. We need ALL the Doctors. I needed them for a very small cancer spot-I could never feel!!! Please do your mammograms! Doing so saved me from cancer later on. I am grateful! Thanks for learning from my experience! I was lucky! I wish the same for YOU!
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jeanb
Monday, December 27, 2010, 1:24pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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I feel for you Sandra, my mother is in a later stage of dementia/Alzheimers and my mothers' condition proceeded exactly as your mother is proceeding.

She should not live on her own, my mother starting falling and was unable to prepare even simple meals when we moved her into an assisted living facility.  The move was good as she had stimulation from having meals with other people and varied activities every day.

My brother (thank God) had an enduring power of attorney prepared 2 years before we actually needed it when my mother was still functioning really well.  The lawyer and doctor then executed it when the doctor said she could no longer live on her own, my brother took over her finances, my sister (a nurse) took over her medical needs, and I look after her personal needs.  It has worked out quite well.

My mother is not recognizing the in laws or grandchildren now and she occasionally doesn't recognize my siblings or me.  

The condition where they have problems at sunset is called sundowners.  When my mother started to show real signs of dementia, she wouldn't know the difference between 7 am and 7 pm.  I think sometimes she would sleep away the day and wake up at 7 pm.

It is a tough road and I wish you peace throughout this long journey.
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geminisue
Monday, December 27, 2010, 2:06pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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I too, know what this is like, my father had it late in life.  It was hard on everyone, he was such an easy going guy, got along with everyone.  Then this happened, we noticed it with his driving. Where he lived many years ago became one way and he decided to drive the other way, luckily, there was no accident.  Then we told him he couldn't drive over there anymore.  He listened, and didn't go there.  He was a helpful friendly person, and started asking little kids if they wanted a ride to school, and of course, this frightened them.  He use to pick up me and my friends and take us to school.  So, we had to have him stop driving, at this point.  The car was put in the garage for tune up etc. and My younger brother took it home, telling dad he needed the car for awhile and my dad said okay.  

He lived at my brother's for awhile, but became combative, which was a shock to everyone, so he was put in an alztimer's unit, in the nursing home, my daughter was working at, and I lived next door, too.  It is hard, but just remember, deep inside this is something that is wrong, it is nothing against any of you, no matter what is said.  Your starving me, your poisoning my food, you pooped in my pants, you peed on me, I didn't do that, you hear it all.  Some will make you laugh, some will make you cry, try and do it in private, they don't understand that, it upsets them.  Forgetting you, remind them of something a few years back, something you know stuck in there mind, it becomes a game, you give up and then they come thru and remember, or chuckle, like if to say " You think I don't know you"  They are no longer responsible, won't know where the bathroom is, may pull their pants down, sit on a chair and go all over, if someone isn't close by.  

Sometimes, we just have to forget that part, and remember all the rest.  Also, remember you will need some time, to yourself, so you can deal what is going on all the time. Guess they call it respite time.  If you qualify for home health services, it will help.  Warning, wait til you trust them, before you leave the home (they are everyday people, off the road, that come in for training and get a job) Never let them use your debit card, no matter how tired you are. Don't give them more then a twenty, for first time you send them shopping, they might not return.  Remember, you are in charge, they are the worker, they do what you want them to do for her. Some try to take over your home.  To make it convenient for them, not you and your person in need of care.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, always here to listen.  I'm sure we will all be here for you during this time.

Yes, you need to continue taking care of you!

Hugs
Linda
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Maria Giovanna
Monday, December 27, 2010, 3:22pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Sandra, I can just hug you as my mother is in a late stage Alzheimer and all the advices and data of our friends are real and accurate for her and for my experience. Remember how she was before, because you'll not recognize new behaviour and the way she is sometimes antsy, scared. My thought for you and her, when and there are moments, these persons understand they can no more control their life and that their behaviour is odd, they are the most difficult to deal for them and us.
Take your time and your relax at your best, as these are challenging times !


INTJ Italy celiac��
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Victoria
Monday, December 27, 2010, 7:06pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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My father had Alzheimers. I think one of the most important things right now is to take care of the will and testament as soon as possible.  You can tell her that it is to avoid battles among the siblings, or whatever it takes.  I like the Living Trust instead of a will.  It costs more to set up, but the inheritors don't have to pay large legal fees after the person passes on, and there is no wait time..

It would also be very good if she would designate you as the Executor and give Power of Attorney, too.  Find a lawyer that you can trust, to walk you through this process.  This needs to be done soon because it won't get easier.



Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.
Let me not pass you by in quest
of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
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Frosty
Monday, December 27, 2010, 9:39pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Oh my Sandra, I am so sorry to hear this news of your mother.  Are you planning on taking her to a doctor for a full diagnosis?  Does this forgetfulness affect her night and day or only the evening.  If it is late in the day she may have sundowners.  Either way, if I were in your shoes I would get her to a doctor that specializes in alzheimers, sundowners and dimentia.

On your three weeks in Aruba have as good a time as you can.  About your siblings, well I don't have any constructive advice for you there.  Naturally I side with you and think "the heck with them" and I am being kind by saying just that.

I think you are doing a fantastic job now.  Please keep us posted.  You and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers.


Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. - Denis Waitley
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SandrAruba
Monday, December 27, 2010, 10:13pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Thank you all guys for the encouraging words. It really helps. I'm going to use the three weeks to try and convince her to get her "stuff" in order legal wise. I'm going to try to get her to eat according to her type and make sure she stops the meat and wheat. I was also planning on taking her to see my house doctor on Aruba and get things started there. Perhaps if she hears it from a professional she will see the need to get things in order. And perhaps I can convince her to go to a nursing home where I live here in Haarlem. And then when I move back to Aruba, I'll take her with me.

I'm very practical and want the things that need to be done to be in order. After that we can focus on getting the Alzheimer to progress slower. I know it can't be stopped, I'm just hoping it will slow down with the right foods.




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Tom Martens
Tuesday, December 28, 2010, 12:26am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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I'm sorry to hear this about your mom.  My aunt is in the late stages of Alzheimers.  This past summer we had a family reunion and my aunt did extremely well.  She remembered everyone and you could have a conversation with her.

It is my suggestion that you put your mom in the most familiar surroundings for as long as you can.  It may help as her memory regresses.


Be who you are.  Those who mind don't matter, those who matter won't mind.

FIfHI

M,M LeA+ LeB-

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Lola
Tuesday, December 28, 2010, 2:46am Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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food for brain
get her secretor status
get an encyclopedia
start feeding her right, supplementing right and adapting all the right protocols
work on stress lowering techniques

http://www.4yourtype.com/products.asp?dept=14
and protocols
http://www.dadamo.com/protocols/13.html

MFC
add lecithin in her life...phosphatidylserine Acetyl L carnitine


''Just follow the book, don't look for magic fixes to get you off the hook. Do the work.'' Dr.D.'98
DNA mt/Haplo H; Y-chrom/J2(M172);ISTJ
The harder you are on yourself, the easier life will be on you!
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SandrAruba
Tuesday, December 28, 2010, 12:34pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

53% Warrior
Ee Dan
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Quoted from Lola
food for brain
get her secretor status
get an encyclopedia
start feeding her right, supplementing right and adapting all the right protocols
work on stress lowering techniques

http://www.4yourtype.com/products.asp?dept=14
and protocols
http://www.dadamo.com/protocols/13.html

MFC
add lecithin in her life...phosphatidylserine Acetyl L carnitine



I read the protocol and I have three of the four alreay in house and I was planning on taking them with me. Only Attentia is missing. And I bought extra supplies of all, as if it was meant to be...





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Jane
Tuesday, December 28, 2010, 3:06pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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My mothern was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in the late 1990s and continues to live in an Assisted Living facility.  She's got her good days and her bad days. She walks with a walker and walks up and down the hallway all day long.  I think that's contributed to her health physically.  There are days when she knows me and days when she doesn't.  I review pictures with her everytime I see her and I label them.  She does seem to recognize her latest great granddaughter and pictures of the kids make her smile when she's alert enough to pay attention.  She sundowns a lot.  The Director of the facility tells me that she's wanders the halls at night.  
Jane
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maukik
Tuesday, December 28, 2010, 3:32pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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My mother did not have alzheimers, as far as we know.  She had dementia.  I say, as far as we know, because she had a stroke 5 years ago leaving her with the only residual, expressive aphasia.  This causes one to not be able to express the words that they want to say.  We did a lot of guessing.  She also had emphysema, developed pneumonia and never weaned from being placed on a ventilator shortly after the stroke.  She was alert in every way, and interacted with me and my 5 siblings as best she could, being able to initiate only small amounts of conversation with schetchy wording.  She had been quite the social character.  Our favorite thing was communication with her.  

I am getting to a point about siblings.  Forgive my long-windedness.  She passed away yesterday.  

My mother-in-law passed away 6 weeks ago.  

Now the sibling thing.  My, and my husband's, experience with siblings during the illness, couldn't have been more different.  His mother had dementia with alzheimers toward the end.  

When my mother first got ill, even though she lived with one sister, when we spoke of mom, her care, her affairs, we spoke as a team, sort of instinctively.  I live in NC.  They all live in CA, so naturally others had more of a burden for her physical care.  Most times, one had her physical care.  She went to live with another sister for 2 years on a ventilator.  One took care of her financial affairs.  One had triplets during that time and couldn't be much physical care at all.  I am a nurse, so if they didn't want to talk to a doctor, they would call me, I already knew every detail of what was going on, so I handled some of the calling for them.  At every turn and for every decision, physical care, financial affairs, whatever;  I was called, included and consulted.  It was always *we*, what *we* should do, what *we* should tell the doctors.  I have spent many hours on speaker phone.  However it came to be this way, I don't remember.  I have loving siblings, but they are human and occasionally have all of the natural feelings that come up in these trying times.

My husband's brother (only sibling) just started acting alone.  He didn't call too much, every now and then.  When he did, it was "I am" doing this, "mother is doing this".  He had a sense of superiority (long story)...  always has.  He got durable powers of attorney without mentioning it, got a will done, without talking about it, kept her money in his bank, even though it had been divided into both his and my husbands name 15 years ago.  My siblings had divided up what my mother had years ago and split it into accounts evenly at the time.  We all agreed to keep the accounts untouched until she died, just in case.

My suggestion, if it is at all possible, is to act and speak as one.  *We*, what shall *we* do, let's try this, let's be sure to tell the doctors about this.  Conference call, use the speaker phone if you are with one sibling and the other isn't present.  Have the one you just spoke to on the phone, call the other one to make sure they got the communication.  Text to the group, email to all.  

As always, FWIW.  Your mileage may have to vary.  

Thanks for being here, wonderful group of people.





.

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maukik  -  Tuesday, December 28, 2010, 5:20pm
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Jane
Tuesday, December 28, 2010, 5:16pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

Kyosha Nim
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Maukik,
I'm so very sorry for your loss, really losses.  No matter how difficult the situation, it still hurts desparately when they pass on.  You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.  I hope you can find some peace.
Jane
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SandrAruba
Tuesday, December 28, 2010, 6:45pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Maukik, I'm really sorry for your losses.




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Frosty
Tuesday, December 28, 2010, 6:58pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Maukik,

I am so sorry for your losses as well.  And your suggestions are just wonderful, kind and thoughtful.  Sometimes even as hard as we try family dynamics stand in the way.  

It sounds like you and your siblings have a great relationship and am hoping you are all there for one another now during this difficult time.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.


Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. - Denis Waitley
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Lola
Tuesday, December 28, 2010, 8:48pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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very sorry for your loss M!


''Just follow the book, don't look for magic fixes to get you off the hook. Do the work.'' Dr.D.'98
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The harder you are on yourself, the easier life will be on you!
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balletomane
Wednesday, December 29, 2010, 12:22pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Maukik,
May your mother rest in peace. Know that the passing of her physical form is not the end of her life/soul!
May you find comfort in the fact that she no longer suffers from physical limitations and pain.
My condolences to you and your family.


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Goldie
Wednesday, December 29, 2010, 1:21pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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Sorrow is not their death but all that goes on around that event. For some reason suddenly people see themselves 'in charge'.  I have been involved with several cases of Inheritances, and I wish everyone could always be present in person or by speaker phone to read what the dead person had planned for.  This seems not to happen and then people will not know how to proceed..

Someone would like the 'pictures' but does not ask for them as they think someone else is getting them, someone would like some legal papers like birth certificates and the like, but is afraid to ask. Executors/brothers/husbands/sisters/ on the other hand are feeling put upon to get rid of all the stuff.  Like my uncle who threw out all my ants hand embroidered Fluffy Pillows treasured for 40 years, starched and ironed letting them sit ever so perfect on their bed.. In the end all things end in a pile of black plastic bags, to be left on the side of the street, or for some strangers to sort out..  

All is a problem, I wish we all here would start today to make a list of what we wish for others to get.. trinkets or wealth, it is all the same, it helps to have it in writing long before we are to old and tired and disappointed to want to do this task.  

I have siblings who only needed the words I am sorry I did this or said that a long time ago, what I thought right at the time, I am sorry I mixed in when I should not have, but those words will never come forth as everyone is so tilted to his or her side or opinions.

Money is not always the issue, sometimes it would just be nice to know what was considered fair, or what was done deliberately .. there is so much pain after a death that nearly nothing is good enough.. it all comes down to a teapot, or a good glass of wine that might take the edge of: IF one could just ask a question openly; or answer one openly.. but everyone is embarrassed, fearful, embarrassed, sorrowful, embarrassed and then nothing gets done and everyone is angry.

The worst are trust funds.. they really cause issues.. the devil invented them.

I am going to the funeral for me friend in a day or so, it will be all the above and then some, I dread the dissapointments, and the superiority I see in some Executors.. they don't mean bad..they think its about valuables, but it isn't. They will act bad even when they don't mean to, just because they think they are in charge.... I just know it. I am taking valiums with me..

I do understand the need for some to get plastered with alcohol .. not a bad idea.. it loosens tongs and words are spoken that would otherwise be held back, truth is spoken or old hurts rehashed .. man I can just see it all ... it is a mess always..  I dread it when there seems to be NO WAY of ever knowing what the Executor decided to do. (There is no oversight) will she get plastic bags and sort things out lovingly, or call some organization to pick up all the stuff from one day to the next, old pictures love letters and valuables all.../ending up in black plastic bags.

I was friends for a long time, I know I will get certain things, but no matter the possessions, I wish I had my friend back to talk about all sorts of things.. about how I miss our conversations, my calling her every night to say good night for years and years and years.. I miss her and I miss my mom my other best friend, my dad I never saw before it was to late, (I was not told how ill he was) I miss many things when I allow myself to think about it.  I wish.... I wish... I wish there was on easier way..    

I finally know what to do with all my stuff.. I will use pretty hat boxes and put names on them for those things I want someone to have.. and when I die I will know that it was easy for anyone to see what I treasured for them, I wish I had on old embroidered monogrammed pillow to hold ..      


Being here is invaluable, but not enough. We need ALL the Doctors. I needed them for a very small cancer spot-I could never feel!!! Please do your mammograms! Doing so saved me from cancer later on. I am grateful! Thanks for learning from my experience! I was lucky! I wish the same for YOU!
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SandrAruba
Wednesday, December 29, 2010, 1:44pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

53% Warrior
Ee Dan
Posts: 829
Gender: Female
Location: Aruba
Age: 49
Goldie, I hear you and it's important that all are in agreement, but my sister has found the time to contact me zero times (as in none) in the past 10 years, while I always tried to stay in touch. I stopped doing that two years ago and guess what? Now it's all my fault that we never have contact (I hear that through the grapevine). If my mother oldest sister calls her (my sister) to tell her that her mother is not doing well, she doesn't even find it necessary to give her a call or visit. If someone is so selfish and oblivious of someone else's needs, what do you do? If I call her and tell her what I think of her, I'm the expletive deleted of the family.

My brother is not much better. When he needs someone to watch the kids, he calls mom at the last moment (because he assumes she has no life) and when there is a birthday, he asks her for money and he will buy the presents for the kids... Who does that to his own mother?

That is why I want mom to tell me what she wants to be done. I want to know everything about how she wishes to divide her stuff among children and grandchildren and I want it on paper while she is still well enough. I will not influence her, just make sure she makes decisions. There isn't a whole lot to divide, some jewelry and some trinkets and lots and lots of books... But also dad's slides, I am planning on scanning those in the coming year and put it all on DVD so everyone has them. There is a stamp collection from dad that I am trying to sell now already, because I want her to enjoy the money while she is living. I know none of us what that collection. Better for her to spend the money on trips and such or give away to the kids while she's alive. That's her choice, she's still well enough (I hope... because Christmas day was no fun) to make those decisions.

The same goes for her funeral. I already know she wants to be buried with dad on Aruba, which is the most logical choice. She says the other two also know of that wish (I have my doubts they know). Still I want in carved in stone. Because when she is gone, I want to be able to mourn her properly and not worry about getting into arguments with those other two.

When she is gone I know I will be sad and I will miss her dearly, but I will also be happy for her, because she will be with dad, where she wants to be ever since he passed away. Until then I will make sure she is taken care of like she took care of me when I was a child. It's the least I can do to show her my love and gratitude.




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