I would like to ask for your support in whatever form it may take over the next several days, whether it be prayer, thought, sending vibes, etc.

On Thursday Gordon and I went to the OB/GYN for our first prenatal appointment. We had the ultrasound, and there was no detectable heartbeat, and it appears that there has been no fetal growth in approximately 2 weeks.

We had another ultrasound today to see if anything has changed - there was a *very* slim chance that everything was fine, but it turned out that this pregnancy is over. I will be undergoing a D&C on Thursday since I have not begun to miscarry. I still feel completely pregnant, and I am having all the typical symptoms and signs of a 'normal' pregnancy so far.

I will probably not be posting much over the next several days as I move through this process. My energy level varies widely, but even at its highest right now it isn't very high. I will let you know what is going on as I feel able to, or I will ask Gordon to post for me.

Also, I want everyone to know that while this has been a shock for us, over the course of this weekend I have moved into a state of gentle surrender about it. It will be what it is, and I am working through my emotions about it as best I can. My intention is to move through this with as much grace and ease as possible.

So please keep Gordon, me, and our child in your hearts and minds over the next few days. I would be most grateful.

Thank you.

Cassandra

I have a super sniffer and can smell stuff from miles away. These smells usually make me gag.

I go from perfectly fine to RAVENOUS in .000000023 seconds, and don't even THINK of getting between me and food. I've been waking up at 5 am STARVING no matter what or how much I eat for dinner. There is no time to 'make dinner' once I'm hungry. Fortunately there are healthy leftovers in the fridge (and Gordon has been instructed to make sure that it stays that way). I'm outeating Gordon, which is a first, and he's finding it a little threatening. I'm not overeating, but I am eating plenty!

Thinking about some foods makes me queasy. Ugh.

I've been re-reading "Eat Right for Your Baby" and it is wonderful!

I'm finding that I do not even WANT anything that is an avoid, and I'm having no trouble eating plenty of veggies and fruit. My 5 am snack was grapes. "Breakfast" at 8:20 this morning was asparagus, sweet potato, and chicken - it was the quickest thing to fix!

I am keeping some O-appropriate snacks around, but I want to 'upgrade' them from things like Luna bars to things like carrot sticks and hummous.... Even though they are wheat-free and fine for me, my allergies do tend to kick up when I eat most grains, and I don't want to do anything that will kick up my already over-active immune system....

My grandmother passed away at 5:45 am Central Time on Tuesday September 12th, 2006. She was 93 years, 8 months, and 22 days old. Not nearly old enough in my book.

I got the news at 6:45 am on the 12th, and was in my car heading to Texas by noon.

On the day of her funeral, Friday, the 15th of September, I found out that I am pregnant.

The circle of life continues.

My 93 year old grandmother fell this morning and broke her left knee and left elbow. She is now bedridden until she heals. If she heals. At 93, and as frail as she is, this may very well be the beginning of the end for her. : (

And my dad had arthroscopic surgery on his knee last week. The surgery did what it's supposed to, but he's still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and the trauma to his body - he's not bouncing back as quickly as he would have liked.

Fortunately, in my small little corner of the world, we are hale and hearty. I bought a dress for my 20th high school reunion today and told that to the sales clerk at the store couldn't believe that I am 38. As my former boss told me once, I am 'an example of clean living and good genes'. Let's hope!

My grandfather, Colonel William Arthur Dwight, 88 years old, passed away August 10th in the hospital in Texarkana, Texas about 11:15 pm Central Time. He was a a strong and remarkable man. At only 12 years old he took his mother by the hand and they left my abusive great-grandfather. By 18 he was in college and ROTC and had a 30 year army career. At one point he was the most decorated military man from the state of Michigan. He was tall and physically strong, and movie star gorgeous. He and my grandmother made sure that my brother and I got through college without owing a dime. He liked a good conversation, but wouldn't have it if someone was wasting a moment of his time. The summer I was 12, he taught me all the metric/English measurement conversions, because knowing them in 'the future' was important. He also taught me how to drive that summer, on an old, orange VW bug. I was excellent at shifting gears at the time, but wasn't so good at the actual driving part! The one time we ground the gears that summer, he said that he messed up and that I had done it right.

Gordon and I will be heading to Texas, and I'm doing fine so far through this. I haven't gotten much sleep the last couple of nights, but that is more a factor of caffeine than from the news. Please keep my grandfather and the rest of the family (and me!) in your prayers.