I have been writing in a personal journal as the days go by. I think I will simply copy and paste certain parts into this blog as time goes by. As I learn new things, as I sort through emotions, I choose to share some of them with the BTD population. Much of it has to do with living a preventative type of life style. So forgive the choppiness or the jumping around--

Dear Journal:

April once again, new place, sun shining. It looks as if he is finally ready to tie up loose ends. I keep asking myself: why did we fail? What worked? Why did I stay?

Core values were very different. Both were decent people. Could have done much worse. When we needed to negotiate conflict, there was disrespect on both of our parts. I needed to calm down, write and process. I don’t like anger or hurt.

He needed me to stay right there and duke it out. Lots of sarcasm, condescending, inability to listen or validate. Rarely did he ever say he was wrong. I needed to leave and then come back and try to talk calmly. He invaded personal space repeatedly. It was a fire and oil situation.

I wanted to feel loved. Silly me. Love thyself. Its time to remind myself how much God loves me, how much my friends love me, and then I need to love me.

Beautiful puffy clouds. Record highs of 80 degrees predicted by Friday. Running through 4 miles of Rock Cut with Sylvester, Elmo, and Goat was wonderful. Simple sharing, chit chat, and of course- talking about the next race. I started to feel competitive once again. Training for Bryon Fest might be a simple goal I can actually obtain. Memories flood back with each race. I remember the awful event which happened last year during that time. It sent me running to the nearest hotel, and ultimately the house in the country. So much has happened.

I found out today from the accountant that I can take as many withdrawals as I need without penalty FOREVER. What a relief. The big decisions can wait. I can dig into it a little at a time as needed.

Meeting with Dr. Julia is always inspiring. She doesn’t use plastic at all. It is either stainless steel cooking or glass cooking. Glass wear, etc. No Teflon or aluminum of any kind. I obtained samples of shampoo and soap. We talked about using baking soda and sea salt to brush teeth. She also said that I reacted to those supplements that she gave me because I am toxic. I do not know. I only know that since I paid the money to buy them, I am going to take them slowly- a few at a time until I notice a difference.

Filters for the shower and the sink need to be bought. I will continue buying reverse osmosis water. Fresh fruits and vegetables from Farmer’s Markets, etc. Organic meat. Figuring out which skin care products, make up, toiletries, etc. I need more omega’s in my diet. I will need to pull those lists up again. No coffee at home- just green tea or coffee on the road.

Being picky about cleaning products. Getting rid of cookware that leaches chemicals into the system. It will be very interesting to see how much it costs to live in the ‘preventative’ fashion. But I did discover my future title “Cancer Prevention Specialist.” Sounds like a worth while cause to me.

AfAA called and cancelled work again. I am given what I need. Money is available to set up house and pay bills. I want to finally start off on the right foot. 6 months of ‘salary’ in the savings account completely liquid, the car money and future tax bill money can stay in the large account and earn interest for now. Yeesh - only .25%. But it is safe and cannot decrease.

10% to savings automatically transferred every month, 10% to church, and a proper budget which is tracked meticulously.

How much does it cost to live with Prevention being the goal? Water filter replacements, bikes for the kids so they can roam, catastrophic insurance, dental visits as needed, etc. If yoga can decrease the need for chiro visits, then it is time to learn. That is a double edged possibility. Prevent back issues, teach yoga and get paid. Continue learning pilates.

Furnish and organize this apartment. Look at automating time consuming tasks. Manage money with decent interest rates. Do not waste money. Maximize income. Eventually, start studying. 3,000 to earn an ND through Trinity College. It is a worthwhile goal. I am given what I need to succeed. Take my time. Shop slowly and think twice.

The future is full of possibilities.

Brown Rice noodles, beans, red onion, red pepper, sea salt, ginger, mustard, lemon juice, and a splash of soy. It was a good run today and I felt awake. Time for tea.

April ? Friday

Every choice we make affects the rest of the world. Everything we buy, prepare, eat and throw away. IF the entire world were focused on helping mankind and helping all of the life forces that exist on this earth: how different our world would look. For now, small adjustments with an overall view of the world. Filters will help my skin and stop the ‘tainted’ water from assaulting my system every day. Using friendly good old fashioned cleaners help the farmer, can be found at the grocery store, and will not harm those living here. Baking using my crock pot and giving my muffin tins away. Not sure what to do about waffles! Those really help the gluten free baking community!

Stainless steel…. Bamboo steamers and what type of wok?

Paper bags for Sean’s lunch, stainless steel drink containers? Freezing things in glass jars- staying away from plastics and heavy metals.

Detox because our environment is full of poison, but the best I can do is help my system get rid of it. The bible talks about fasting.

Why?

Managing money. Journaling. Counseling. Taking good care of what I have. One step at a time. Helping my kids emotionally.

Summertime- we will get to church!!!

Meanwhile, run with friends.

Thank you God.

Saturday

Stopped in to see my auto insurance agent today. Impulsive. I was just driving by and he was in the office. "Let God lead."

"Coincedence is God's way renaming anonymous. "

He (the auto insurance guy) has become a better husband just in the last five years of his marriage. He calls his wife “Babe”, he notices outfits she wears and compliments her appropriately, and he tells her that he is proud of her after observing one of her talents.

He has learned this through Heartland Church. Oh, I so love that place. He gave me the number of his son, who seems to be an expert when it comes to Autistic Resources. I am not certain whether to finish projects completely, or let impulses guide me. I miss the kids.

Great meal. Leftover brown rice spiral noodles, creamy northern beans, leftover ground beef, red peppers, red onion, Italian seasoning, sea salt, and Havarti cheese.

No plastic? I really have to ask Dr. Julia about milk, etc. One step at a time. Learn one step at a time. Spend money only when you must. Track and learn. Do not waste. Stick with this insurance agent. I can't believe how well grounded he seems to be.

And most importantly of all,,,,,,,,,,,,

Breathe.

Thank you folks! I love the support I pick up here. Better to grab the rice buns with that nasty sodiumcarboxymethullose (sp?) than to throw processed white flour at him. Beside, my second child can eat that as well, so it's practical.

It's a peaceful morning for me. It has been a wonderful balanced week. I am ready for the next three days of work, spent time with many friends yesterday, and I am FEELING better. I may hunt down Goat or Mutton today. I started my morning with "dinner"- traditional grilled meat and sauteed veggies- then followed it up with whole grain cereal, raisins, pumpkin seeds, vanilla soy milk, and crumbled pecans. I function better with multiple large servings of food in the morning, and then trickle on down as the day progresses. I am still finishing up those same live foods. I am amazed how long it is taking me to finish it- but realistically figuring out how much food needs to be bought at the store versus running around town.

Being a full time Mom and a part time employee requires many errands. There is just no way to be 100% BTD compliant while living in Rockford, IL. But I am always striving.

I am about to hit 36 hours of rest (no exercise.) Trouble is, I will be ready for some right before bedtime. Where is a gentle yoga video when you need one?

It is always helpful when people share knowledge. That is one of the reasons I am so open about what happens in my life. I bumped into my roommate this morning. His name is "Jerry" as in Tom and Jerry. Cute little mouse. That is part of country living, I fear. I also suspect this house is just full of places for them to enter.

I shudder as I read my previous blogs. They do seem full of worry and anxiety. I am not actually that tightly wound most of the time. Lately, I have been blogging due to fatigue or not being able to sleep. I used to write out my thoughts after lunch every day. Perhaps, one day, I will be able to reflect leisurely.

It is windy, cold and damp this morning. I would not do well long term in this type of weather. I still feel a calling toward the south east part of the country. I am not absolutely certain, since I have not experienced parts of the south west. But........

Live foods:

Bok choy
green onions
red onions
yellow bell peppers
raisins
carrots

Those were my five live food choices yesterday. The local market did not offer much. In fact, the produce section actually smelled nasty. There is nothing on the south east end of town that carries good fresh produce. But soon, the Farmer's Market will start. My youngest son, helped me make Turkey burgers last night. He thoroughly enjoyed squishing the ground spices into the meat and smashing down the hamburger patties. We chose sea salt and thyme. Simple and tasty.

The oldest son (with the sensory issues) couldn't handle the texture of the meat. He chose to starve. Can you imagine being hungry all of the time due to food textures? I have to compromise today. I will buy the nasty white hamburger buns at the store, so he can actually stomach the meat. I actually wish Dr. D could work with him. This tendency to run away from 'squishy' and my son's inability to even look at a casserole (he can't stand all of the different foods mixed together visually- let alone in his mouth)- runs in the father's side of the family. He will suffer nutritionally forever. I do not know how to fix this.

Quick end of the day report. When it came to live foods, I didn't hit one. Wow. Obviously, that will be my focus tomorrow.

I live in a house where the well water is full of sulfur pockets. The landlord figured out that the water softener is not working, and this powerful nasty stench is oozing out of all my drains. It's overpowering. Tonight, I sleep with the windows open again- I have got the kids at Dad's house for the night, and I am grateful nothing is scheduled for work tomorrow.

I could easily get lost in work and isolate myself from adults tomorrow. I think I will also make it a priority to get to a gentle yoga class. I will hear from the apartment complex tomorrow (the final approval.) I don't think it will be a problem. I am actually looking forward to moving. This time, I think I will stay put for awhile.

Eeek, tired brain. Better blog next time.

It's Monday and I feel great. I finally got that food checklist up on the fridge. I keep the genotype food lists in the kitchen within easy reach. It really does make it much easier to track and choose food wisely.

Two whole grain waffles with peanut butter
Two glasses of water
1 small cup of coffee
blueberries, vanilla yogurt, brewer's yeast, blackstrap molasses
1 more small cup of coffee with soy milk

I taught Pilates this morning. Felt great. It is always so nice to hear the ladies say "Thank you." I am also beginning to see some of them improve. The flow of the class, the concentration on breathing, stretching and strengthening wakes everyone up and frees the mind of clutter.

I had a decision weighing on the back of my mind. After class, I instantly knew the answer. It is interesting, how well we can assimilate data AFTER exercise.

Got lots to do this morning. Hopefully, I will be able to report the rest of the day's food choices before going to bed. You don't have to be a gourmet cook to eat in a healthy way. Take care everyone.