Category: Cassandra's Earlier Blogs
I have to get out of this night job, and the sooner the better. I was talking with Anne tonight, and told her that I'd noticed that even if I get 10-11 hours of sleep during the day that my mood seems to have declined recently. I'm not depressed per se, but I'm also not my usual perky self. The only thing that has changed is that I'm exercising less (definite mood enhancer) and my schedule is whacked. Now, I've certainly gone through phases of not exercising much (if at all) before, and while it does help with my mood, it doesn't seem to be the issue here. I think that my circadian rhythms are so out of whack that it is bringing me down emotionally, too.
For a couple months on this job, I remembered none of my dreams. The parasite one last week was weird, and I've been having vivid, weird dreams almost daily since then. And none of them have been dreams that were terribly pleasant (though the parasite one was the worst of them). Another indication of my mood? I don't know, but generally my dreams are not THAT far out there....
My diet is pretty much the same, my weight is stable, and I'm basically taking care of myself, and even still getting some exercise (though not as much as before). So the only thing that's left is the hours of the job.
Anne commented that I didn't seem like my usual self lately, and I asked her why she hadn't said anything - she said that it didn't seem pertinent. Great. My best friend, who knows that I have a history of depression, doesn't think my mood changes are pertinent enough to mention until I bring it up. At least I am aware enough of my moods to mention it to HER and tell her that something needs to change!
I'm giving myself until the beginning of July. I need to find something to do that will get me back on the day shift and allow me to support myself. Time for auditions isn't even important at this point - I'll take a 'real' job at this point, then work on the audition thing.
I slept more than 9 hours today, and could not get out of bed to get to an acting meeting tonight that I really needed to go to. I can't miss meetings like this and continue to call myself an actor. I'll never make any progress like this! At least a day job would enable me to get back to a regular schedule and I will be awake for these evening meetings!
When I finally did get out of bed, I ate a lamb chop and two scrambled eggs and spelt toast with almond butter and fruit conserve. Yum.
Then Anne and I ran an errand, and I came into work.
I keep telling myself that this is short-term. I won't be living like this much longer. I can't.
You'd think that after more than six years on the BTD that I'd have this thing figured out. You'd think that after more than six years I would know that my brain wants to take time off the BTD and my body doesn't know how to do that. You would think that after more than six years of the BTD and knowing how my body reacts to avoids and whines and moans and hates my brain for allowing it to give into the physical cravings and mental desires that I would have, at some point, learned once and for all.
Sunday was our apartment complex barbeque - great fun with a bunch of neighbors down by the pool. I really was pretty good, considering the fare that was available. Lots of corn chips and ranch dips, lots of pasta salad, macaroni salad, potato salad, lasagna, brownies, cakes, etc. I loaded up my plate with a seafood salad, a green salad, strawberries, and Mike cooked my lambchopes for me.
At some point during the course of the event I had two very small pieces of baklava (two bites), one half of one brownie, one small bite of chocolate cake, and two bites of lasagna. All told, really not a LOT of avoids. Perhaps six or seven bites total, or not even equivalent to a bowl of wheat-based cereal. At least to my mind it didn't seem like much.
To my body, on the other hand, it was enough to cause a serious problem. By the time I attempted to nap about 6:30 pm, I had so much intestinal gas that I had to take some activated charcoal to get rid of the pain. The back of my scalp was itching so badly that I had to get up to take a shower to get it to stop. Even now, 10 or more hours after the last bite of offending food, I have heartburn, and am sucking down the room-temp Gerolsteiner like there is no tomorrow (and lamenting that this is my last bottle until I can get to the store again). I only slept about 30 minutes because I couldn't fall asleep because I was itching and in pain most of the evening.
I know that I have a problem with self-sabotage, but does it have to be so CLEARLY spelled out for me? I even made my own wheat-free brownies, and even though I did have one of them, I STILL just HAD to try the other person's brownies. They weren't as good as mine, either, and I knew this even before I tried them.
Okay. I'm done beating myself up about this. Now it's time to move on, and get back to eating well for myself.
The rest of the weekend was great. Friday's organizational meeting was well worth it, and I think I may have solved a couple issues with my apartment and my space constraints. This one closet is the main issue, and even though I didn't do a thing to clean out the closet, I did move a couple things around, and even that seems to be helping so far.
Friday night I stayed home and watched TV, and then slept horribly. Cats were making noises, and I just couln't seem to stay asleep. Woke up at 4:30 am starving. Finally got up about 9am, and had a bad headache that I just couldn't shake. Skipped my acting class, and was back in bed by 1pm, trying to nap and get rid of the headache. Couldn't sleep again, in spite of serious fatigue, and finally fell asleep about 4 or 5. Woke up at 7pm when the phone rang, and thank goodness it did, because I had to be ready to go out to dinner with a friend of mine by 7:30. Raced around for 30 minutes, but was ready on time. We went to Cafe Bizou, and I had the carrot rosemary soup and the rack of lamb again, but no flourless chocolate cake this time. It was delicious, as usual. Was home by 10:15 or so, and back in bed by 10:30. I was exhausted. Watched TV for a little while, and was asleep by 11.
Slept 9 and a half hours, and still felt like I could have slept more. Got up this morning and ran to the grocery store to get ingredients for brownies for the party today, and then baked them, and then was at the party and then was trying to sleep.
All in all, not a very productive weekend! But I did have fun at dinner last night and at the party Sunday - a little too much fun, though!
Thursdays are the worst days of my week in terms of time - I never have any time for myself on Thursdays. I get home from work around 9am, have to hurry to make sure I'm in bed by 10am, and can only get a maximum of 8 hours of sleep to get up by 6pm so I can get to acting class by 7. And then after class, I have to dash home, change clothes to get to work, grab something for lunch, and get out the door again for work. No rest for the weary!
Today was no different than most Thursdays, except that I slept like crap. Had bizarre, scary dreams involving weird parasites on my body (and worse, in my hair!), the cats were chasing each other around and making a ruckus half the afternoon, and by the time 6pm rolled around I felt as though I'd been in bed no time at all. Somehow managed to drag myself out the door anyway. The apartment manager had a package for me, and I ran into Mike down by the pool, and ended up chatting with the two of them for a few minutes, and then I HAD to leave for class. My package was my two Tempur-Pedic pillows that I got free with my bed (YAY! I look forward to using them in the morning!).
Class ended up being really good - there were only five of us there, so it was a very small class, and there were two new people there, so we all got to know each other a little bit. We did a couple of exercises, and then we each did a scene or an audition piece. I did an audition piece, a scene from "NYPD Blue", and I felt like I was struggling with it until my coach asked what my objective was, and then it became crystal-clear. The character is digging for the truth. Her objective changes during the scene, but the initial launching pad was all I needed to go on, and it got me there for the rest of the scene. My coach said I had done really good work, and that all she could suggest for next time would be to take my time with the transition, and make the stakes higher (which is always the case with acting - the stakes are ALWAYS higher than they might seem to be in life - that's what makes drama!). So I was pleased with my performance.
Foodwise, all I had time for before class was a piece of toast with almond butter. After class, I dashed home, fed Anne's cats, grabbed my stuff, and hit the door. Went to SBUX for a soy chai latte, then realized that I'd forgotten my lunch. And no time to stop at Ralph's and get a roasted chicken or some sushi or anything, either. So I'm probably stuck eating the 'best of the worst' tonight - either a chicken and bean burrito from the vending machine, or going to Taco Bell (open all night!) for a Chicken Taco Salad or something. Yuck. I hate not at least having the option to eat something healthy. It's one thing when I CHOOSE not to eat my lunch or snack and then I get something out of the vending machine (only ever happens for snacks, and rarely!), but to have forgotten to bring my lunch and literally NOT have a decent option ticks me off. Either the chicken burrito or the taco salad will have some avoids, and as much as I'll try to eat healthy tonight, I know I'll be eating some kind of crap. What's worse, I'm so hungry right now I could eat my keyboard. I already ate my 2am snack, a banana, and I do have chocolate chips for later, but I don't want to eat too many of THEM, either, even though they are not avoids, per se, they aren't the greatest thing for me.... So yuck, I'll eat as little junk as possible tonight, but I will eat junk.
Tomorrow will be another busy Friday - nap (with my new pillows on my new bed!) for about 3 hours, go talk with a personal organizer for about 2 hours (I have a couple, uh, challenges to deal with in my studio apartment!), run a couple errands, and hang out at home for the evening. Saturday, I have an acting class from 10-2, dinner with a friend during the evening, and will probably spend the afternoon pulling clothes out of my closet and deciding what stays and goes. Sunday, I have an apartment bldg. 'get to know your neighbors' party. I don't plan to stay long, but it should be fun!
I had an audition today for a voice over project that looks really cool. Won't hear back if I got it or not for at least a month, so who knows. It was at one of the worst possible times for me, though. 4pm, and 10 miles away, which means about 30 minutes driving time if I take the surface streets to get there. 4pm is bad because it means that I can't just sleep either before OR after my appointment. I have to sleep before AND after my appointment. I can get to bed as late as 3pm and still get up at 11pm to get to work, or I can crash as soon as I get home around 9am and sleep until 5pm and then have my evening. So either way, I'm generally asleep from 3-5 pm most every day.
So today, knowing that I had an appointment at 4, I went to bed as soon as I could, which today was by 10am. Got up at 2pm, wondering if I really want to be an actor at all, cursing my alarm clock and feeling like death on a cracker. Four hours is NOT enough. By the time I was out of my shower I felt human again, and I got ready for my audition, ate a piece of toast with almond butter on it to tide me over, and headed out about 3:20 to make sure I could get there on time.
The audition itself went really well. The project is fascinating to me, and I would be doing the voice over for the French portion of the service. Very cool. They want someone who sounds like a native speaker, and I know I pass for one most of the time since all the native speakers I talk with at work and elsewhere are generally (and genuinely) surprised when they find out that I'm not French. I certainly don't have the vocabulary of a native speaker, and I'm sure that I mispronounce words sometimes, but I know that my pronunciation is excellent. So I went into the audition having warmed up, loosened up, and was ready to go. Did my thing, heard more about the project (lemme at it!) and came home. Felt good about what I did, and came home to go back to bed and sleep some more.
Ran into Mike as I was coming in, and he asked me about Memorial Day Weekend again. Last thing in the world I want to talk about right now, so I said something about not having time to talk about it right now - gotta get back to sleep! Fine, no problem, see ya later. Got upstairs and back in bed by 5:10 pm. Tossed. Turned. Phone rang. Anne was calling, we chatted for a minute, I unplugged the phone that had rung, she told me I was rambling and to go to sleep. We hung up, and it was probably 6:30 by the time I fell back to sleep, with one cat on me and the other cat on the foot of the bed.
My alarm went off again at 10:30, and there I was again, cursing the alarm clock again, and not wanting to get out of bed, let alone go to WORK. Snoozed until 11:15, and forced myself to get up. Threw on my clothes, makeup, grabbed lunch, and didn't have time for eggs or anything more than almond butter on two slices of toast this time. (I've got to cut down on the grains!) Got out the door on time, and to work with plenty of time to spare.
I'm awake, but I'm not happy about it. 8 hours straight versus four hours and then four hours? World of difference.
Slept nearly 9 hours today - got to bed around noon after running to the grocery store, puttering around, balancing my checkbook and printing out a bunch of stuff on my computer at home. We can't print anything at work, so I email myself stuff to print out at home. Finished a book I was reading - not worthwhile, or I'd talk more about it.
Woke up around 9pm, made a couple of phone calls, and made turkey soup. Had a red onion, some carrots, rice, and ground turkey in the fridge. Would have preferred to use a white onion, but I'll take the red! Sautéed the onion, cut up and threw in the carrots, then cooked the ground turkey separately and threw it in with more than a liter of water and then added a liter of chicken broth. Cooked the rice, and threw that in, added some herbs from provence somewhere in the mix, added salt, and let it simmer for a while. Meanwhile, I cooked an egg and made a piece of toast, and enjoyed that for breakfast - it seems to be my new favorite quick and easy meal.
While the soup was simmering and the rice was cooking, I did some yoga - took care not to do anything that would stress my neck since it is still tense - my neck feels fine, but all the muscles are still sore and dropping my head towards my chest really pulls all the muscles. Wowza. Really tense still. But definitely much improved from before my chiro visit. It felt SOOOO good to get back to doing SOMETHING exercise-wise. Last night at work I was going stark raving mad - I HAD to MOVE. So on one of my breaks and during my lunch period, after I ate I went outside and walked around the parking lot. One lap around is about five minutes, and as fast as I walk, that's got to be at least a quarter mile. So I probably walked about a mile last night over my breaks. Tonight during my first break I went out there again and walked around the building, which also takes about five minutes. I'll probably do 2-3 laps during my lunch (if I have time after eating my soup!) and I'll probably do 1-2 laps during my next break. I went 9 days without exercising because of my neck, and I can really tell the difference in how my body feels. Even a short walk a few times a day will help.
Back to the soup. After my yoga, I dished up soup for lunch, made a quick salad with flaxseed oil and lemon juice, threw a smoothie together for a snack, jumped into the shower and got ready for work.
I realized in the last couple of days that I have GOT to get off the night shift. It's great for allowing me the time to audition and get other things done during the day, but I can't live like this. I have a history of depression, and now I have a 'self-check' that I check myself on periodically. Though I DON'T feel depressed, and I think my mood is pretty good, my body doesn't feel like it usually does (accidents notwithstanding) and I'm not singing in the car or at home like I usually do. Me NOT singing is not a good thing at any time, and is a wake-up call for me. So I will be 'making' myself sing daily, and that alone may help in the short-term. Long-term, I need to get my body back to a regular schedule. I'm tired of being tired all the time....
Memorial Day Weekend. Ugh. Mike asked me to go away with him for Memorial Day Weekend. Now, he is a TERRIFIC friend, and back a couple months ago I might have jumped at the chance to get to know him better, but now.... well, I know that I don't want to be INVOLVED with him because he doesn't want an 'emotional relationship', and he also KNOWS he doesn't want kids. Plus, he's so neurotic, it could drive me nuts over the course of a weekend. In other words, he wants a 'friends with benefits' relationship, and that just doesn't work for me
I DO want an emotional relationship, and while I haven't decided about the kids part, I know that I don't want that decision made FOR me. I asked one friend about this, and he said that my not wanting to get involved on 'that' level sounds like a decision to him, but it just doesn't feel like the right decision yet. Not going doesn't feel right, but going doesn't feel right, either. Whatever I decide, I'm going to have to talk with him and reconfirm to him that we are *just* friends AND that I am dating, and let him know about my misgivings about going away with him. Assuming that talk goes well, then I'll *consider* going away with him.
When Mike knew I was dating last, he got a little jealous, and was glad when Brad dumped me and I ended up not going skiing for the weekend. He doesn't know that I'm dating again, nor does he know that I joined eharmony.com. Currently I have FOUR matches that I'm planning to meet in the next week or so, and I have had two dates with one other match. I suspect that in spite of our 'just being friends' he'll still be jealous.
I think I just need to sit down with all these feelings I'm having about Memorial Day Weekend and Mike and sort through them, and then talk with him about it all. Blah.