Category: Cassandra's Earlier Blogs
I had hoped to rest all weekend and recuperate from the emotional crud of last week with my mother as well as the emotional shifts I made during and since my Essence Weekend. I will spend Saturday at home most of the day, but there will be lots to do, too. I desperately need to clean my apartment. I did nothing last weekend, and haven't really done much of anything at home (vacuum, clean the bathroom, etc.) in more weeks than I care to admit. Dating takes up a lot of time! Not that I'm complaining....
Friday morning Gordon will pick me up and we'll head back to the chiropractor's office. He'll get another adjustment, and I'll get a massage. The last time I had a massage was in April, so it's time. Afterwards, he'll drop me off at home for a while, and I'll nap for a few hours. I'll head down to his place around 4 or 5pm, and meet up with Anne down there to have some girl time, and then the three of us will have dinner. Dinner will consist of lambchops, artichokes, and some other yet to be determined vegetable. Dessert might be berries with some kind of chocolate sauce like Gordon's mother made for us a few weeks ago....
Saturday Gordon and I will spend most of the day at my place hanging out. I'll also clean up and hang clothes up and organize and perhaps pack a bit to prepare for moving. It will be a busy, but low-key day, which I need. I plan on a nap being involved sometime Saturday, too. Perhaps the movies Saturday night, and then Sunday will be fun-filled and action-packed. A wedding in the morning, a brunch for a couple of hours (for entertainment industry contacts), and then back to the wedding reception. Nap in the evening before going to work.
I also hope to do some yoga or other exercise this weekend - my body is like a coiled spring these days. Too much pent up energy, and nowhere for it to go....
Yesterday was SO busy! I didn't get to sleep until about 4:15 in the afternoon, which meant that I didn't get quite enough sleep. Blah! I got my hair done, and my hairdresser took FOREVER to do my hair. I was at her place for FOUR hours, and was starving and exhausted by the time I left. And she didn't cut my hair short enough, so I asked her to recut it, and now it's EXACTLY the length I wanted. In the past I wouldn't've asked her (or any hairdresser) to do that - I would have just lived with it. Then I called Anne, because she was kind enough to reschedule her lunch with her dad to have lunch with me, and then it was still 2:20 by the time I got home to pick her up for lunch. And I wanted nothing more than to climb into my little bed by then, but I hadn't seen her except for maybe an hour or so last week. Not enough. So we went out for sushi, had a GREAT lunch, and had fun catching up. She was appropriately appalled at my mother's antics, and I heard all about the wedding she went to about a week and a half ago, the news about the guy she's dating, and other girl stuff. We had fun, but I was fading fast! Didn't have time for my manicure, either, but I'll get it later this week or over he weekend.
My car's AC is acting up again, too, so I need to take it back to the shop and see what the problem is. Not fun. I just had it charged, so that isn't the problem..... We'll see!
As of the weekend, or maybe a few days before, I've lost what I gained while I was in New York. I don't get on the scale daily, so it may have been gone before the weekend. Yesterday I had the rest of my salad from CPK, and then cherries and chocolate chips for a snack, and sushi for lunch right before I went to sleep. I've got a few pieces of sushi for lunch here at work tonight, and cherries, strawberries, and blueberries. Yum. I love my berries! I've also got pumpkin seeds and chocolate chips, but may or may not eat those. I'm getting back to my exercising, too. Haven't walked at work for a while, but I did one lap around the building so far tonight, and will do a few more so that I've at least walked a mile by the end of my shift.
I go back to the chiropractor this morning and Gordon is going, too. He's never been to a chiro, so this ought to be interesting! ; ) Then we'll go to lunch, and perhaps I'll get to run an errand I've been trying to run for a few weeks now. And I WILL get to bed before 3pm today!
It was intense, that's for sure. After I blogged early Friday morning, I got a really nasty letter from my mother, in which she called me all kinds of horrible things and then told me not to bother to respond to her. It was uncalled for on her part, but it also told me how much pain she must be in to respond to me so vindictively. If this is the kind of thing she says to me, what must she say to herself on a daily basis? I haven't responded yet, but I do plan to this week. I won't say anything about what she said, but I will apologize for what I said last week. Then it is up to her to respond.
My headache did not abate Friday morning, and I ended up leaving work early. I went home, got my things together for my weekend intensive, and went to Gordon's. I had a blistering headache and my mother had just been really nasty, and I needed some comforting. So I went to his place and we talked for about 2 hours, and then I napped for about 5 hours. I still felt like crap both emotionally and physically, but at least my headache was gone when I woke up.
The intensive was incredible. It was difficult, challenging, fun, not fun, and we all worked out a lot of emotional stuff that was holding us back. I definitely came to terms with a lot of stuff that I needed to face regarding my parents. I will never have the kind of relationship I would like to have with each of them - they are both so wounded, perhaps even broken in ways. They did the best they new how, but they aren't capable of being the kind of parents I want and need. So I want to grieve the loss of that desired relationship, and provide it to myself through a family that I create out here - Gordon is certainly part of it, as is Anne. Anne's father, too, and my friend Pele, but she's moving to Trinidad next month, so it will not be as easy to stay in touch. My friend Sandrine, too, who lives in Marseille - even though she's a million miles away we are VERY close and are in contact with each other several times a week. One of my uncles is definitely part of my chosen family, as is my grandmother.
I've gained a great deal of peace about things in the last few days, and learned a lot about myself and gained some perspective on my family. I do feel a bit sad about the situation right now, but I am coming to terms with a loss, too, so I am letting myself be sad if I want to. I am also taking exceptional care of myself for the forseeable future. I will eat well, sleep enough, take my supplements, and have as much fun as I can, preferably doing something fun every day. Last night I dragged Gordon to the beach at midnight! We had a great heart to heart talk, and then I RAN up the Santa Monica Pier. Just to run, just because it seemed like a good idea. And it WAS fun! Monday, Gordon and I both played hooky from work (I'd had NO sleep during the day yesterday, and wouldn't've been able to function last night anyway) and we went to lunch at California Pizza Kitchen (one of my favorite chain restaurants even if it IS difficult for an O to eat there) and I had a great salad and then we went to see "CatWoman"*. Tomorrow's fun is yet to be determined. I'm thinking I'll get a professional manicure (a rare, rare treat!)
* Not a GREAT movie, but GREAT eye candy and a very fun summer action flick. And Halle Berry ROCKS!
Well, I've turned in my resignation. I'm glad of it, but nervous, too. Monday morning I'll be going to some temp agencies near Gordon's place to let them know that I'm available. I know it is the right move for me, but it is also scary!
And I've been stressed about it since last night, and have had a headache since about 9pm last night. I even broke down and took some Tylenol a few minutes ago to try to get rid of it. If it were a dull headache or not a very bad one, I would ignore it. Unfortunately, it is a blistering one, though thankfully NOT a migraine (and I hope it doesn't turn into one).
I'm REALLY hungry tonight, too. Ate some pineapple and some salad at my break, but that was nearly 2 hours ago, and I'm hungry already, in spite of it being a LOT of pineapple and salad!
I'm sure some of this stress/headache has to do with the resignation issue, and some with my mom. I still haven't heard from her, and doubt that I will for months. It hurts to think that she might not come to our wedding, but that would be her choice. She WILL get an invitation, and I can't worry about whether or not she decides to come. She has done this to me a few times in the past - we argue, and her conflict resolution skills are so bad that she just goes away for a while, then pretends that nothing happened. Once I stopped talking to her, but every other time, she just decides that I'm such a horrible person (NOT!!) that she just doesn't want me in her life. The last time we didn't speak, it was about 9 months. After the last time, I decided that I would not stop talking with her and would try to work things out. Apparently she doesn't want to do that. I know that she is just reacting to whatever issues she has not resolved, but it still hurts, and I miss her. And I wish we could share the joy of this time of my life as I move towards my new life.
Foodwise, I've got some fabulous lamb chops that Gordon bought for me. I cooked them, and then he made a yummy wine sauce for them. I've already eaten the salad I had, but I do have lots of cherries to eat, too, which should get me through the night.
This weekend I'll be in an acting intensive weekend ALL weekend. Friday morning will be spent preparing for that, having my last session with my life coach, and then napping for a few hours. The intensive will be from 5-11 pm Friday, and then all day on Saturday and Sunday. And it will be INTENSE - it's all about breaking through the fears (or whatever) that are holding you back in your acting. Not an easy or fun weekend, but the last time I did this I had some major breakthroughs and worked through lots of stuff.
Today was a rough day, in many ways.
Emotionally, my mother and I are not getting along. Over the weekend, she googled Gordon's name, and left him a message looking for me. I thought that was a little weird, since I have a cell phone and that is the best way to reach me. It unnerved me. She doesn't understand the concept of boundaries, and thinks that I should tell her everything and anything she wants to know about my life. I don't think that is necessary or desirable, and told her that there was no good reason for her to need Gordon's address, especially since she found his phone number and just called him out of the blue. She got offended, doesn't understand, etc. So now she's not speaking to me, which doesn't resolve a thing. She's not good at conflict resolution, so she retreats until she's ready to come out of hiding, and then pretends that nothing ever happened. Pffftttt.
Physically, I went to the chiropractor's office for an adjustment, and my back wigged out while I was on the table and I was in too much pain to move, and she had to massage it and get me an ice pack and I was moving gingerly for hours afterwards. She also lectured me a bit about getting more exercise. "Bodies need to be active, and yours REALLY needs to be active to stay healthy." I know, I know. But I haven't been consistent about exercise lately, and my back let me know that I can never let up. Unfortunately, knowing it and DOING it are two different things. Stress also doesn't help my back, and the stuff with my mom is definitely stressful.
Then I went to my hairdresser's, and she's working out of her home now, and I thought we were going to cut and color it today, but apparently she just wanted to check the color swatch today and THEN schedule me for the cut and color. So we'll do that next Tuesday. Instead, we spent an hour and a half gabbing, her about her ex-boyfriend who was cheating on her with three - yes, THREE other women, and she found out and dumped him on the spot. She's giving up on dating - has been on a zillion more dates than me this year (how she does it I have NO clue!) and still hasn't met the right guy. She's had some pretty outrageous things happen to her, too, enough that she's written a book about it, and is hoping to get it published later this year or early next year. I've heard enough of her stories to know that it will be an entertaining book!
Then I went home, took a bath, and tried to sleep. My next door neighbor moved out over the weekend, and today they were pounding and cleaning carpets and who knows what else over there. It was around 4pm when I got to sleep.
I woke up about 20 minutes to 10 tonight, and tried to snooze a little more. Talked with Gordon for a bit, and got ready for work. I ate some eggs with onion, broccolli and feta cheese in them, and headed to work.