I have been writing in a personal journal as the days go by. I think I will simply copy and paste certain parts into this blog as time goes by. As I learn new things, as I sort through emotions, I choose to share some of them with the BTD population. Much of it has to do with living a preventative type of life style. So forgive the choppiness or the jumping around--

Dear Journal:

April once again, new place, sun shining. It looks as if he is finally ready to tie up loose ends. I keep asking myself: why did we fail? What worked? Why did I stay?

Core values were very different. Both were decent people. Could have done much worse. When we needed to negotiate conflict, there was disrespect on both of our parts. I needed to calm down, write and process. I don’t like anger or hurt.

He needed me to stay right there and duke it out. Lots of sarcasm, condescending, inability to listen or validate. Rarely did he ever say he was wrong. I needed to leave and then come back and try to talk calmly. He invaded personal space repeatedly. It was a fire and oil situation.

I wanted to feel loved. Silly me. Love thyself. Its time to remind myself how much God loves me, how much my friends love me, and then I need to love me.

Beautiful puffy clouds. Record highs of 80 degrees predicted by Friday. Running through 4 miles of Rock Cut with Sylvester, Elmo, and Goat was wonderful. Simple sharing, chit chat, and of course- talking about the next race. I started to feel competitive once again. Training for Bryon Fest might be a simple goal I can actually obtain. Memories flood back with each race. I remember the awful event which happened last year during that time. It sent me running to the nearest hotel, and ultimately the house in the country. So much has happened.

I found out today from the accountant that I can take as many withdrawals as I need without penalty FOREVER. What a relief. The big decisions can wait. I can dig into it a little at a time as needed.

Meeting with Dr. Julia is always inspiring. She doesn’t use plastic at all. It is either stainless steel cooking or glass cooking. Glass wear, etc. No Teflon or aluminum of any kind. I obtained samples of shampoo and soap. We talked about using baking soda and sea salt to brush teeth. She also said that I reacted to those supplements that she gave me because I am toxic. I do not know. I only know that since I paid the money to buy them, I am going to take them slowly- a few at a time until I notice a difference.

Filters for the shower and the sink need to be bought. I will continue buying reverse osmosis water. Fresh fruits and vegetables from Farmer’s Markets, etc. Organic meat. Figuring out which skin care products, make up, toiletries, etc. I need more omega’s in my diet. I will need to pull those lists up again. No coffee at home- just green tea or coffee on the road.

Being picky about cleaning products. Getting rid of cookware that leaches chemicals into the system. It will be very interesting to see how much it costs to live in the ‘preventative’ fashion. But I did discover my future title “Cancer Prevention Specialist.” Sounds like a worth while cause to me.

AfAA called and cancelled work again. I am given what I need. Money is available to set up house and pay bills. I want to finally start off on the right foot. 6 months of ‘salary’ in the savings account completely liquid, the car money and future tax bill money can stay in the large account and earn interest for now. Yeesh - only .25%. But it is safe and cannot decrease.

10% to savings automatically transferred every month, 10% to church, and a proper budget which is tracked meticulously.

How much does it cost to live with Prevention being the goal? Water filter replacements, bikes for the kids so they can roam, catastrophic insurance, dental visits as needed, etc. If yoga can decrease the need for chiro visits, then it is time to learn. That is a double edged possibility. Prevent back issues, teach yoga and get paid. Continue learning pilates.

Furnish and organize this apartment. Look at automating time consuming tasks. Manage money with decent interest rates. Do not waste money. Maximize income. Eventually, start studying. 3,000 to earn an ND through Trinity College. It is a worthwhile goal. I am given what I need to succeed. Take my time. Shop slowly and think twice.

The future is full of possibilities.

Brown Rice noodles, beans, red onion, red pepper, sea salt, ginger, mustard, lemon juice, and a splash of soy. It was a good run today and I felt awake. Time for tea.

April ? Friday

Every choice we make affects the rest of the world. Everything we buy, prepare, eat and throw away. IF the entire world were focused on helping mankind and helping all of the life forces that exist on this earth: how different our world would look. For now, small adjustments with an overall view of the world. Filters will help my skin and stop the ‘tainted’ water from assaulting my system every day. Using friendly good old fashioned cleaners help the farmer, can be found at the grocery store, and will not harm those living here. Baking using my crock pot and giving my muffin tins away. Not sure what to do about waffles! Those really help the gluten free baking community!

Stainless steel…. Bamboo steamers and what type of wok?

Paper bags for Sean’s lunch, stainless steel drink containers? Freezing things in glass jars- staying away from plastics and heavy metals.

Detox because our environment is full of poison, but the best I can do is help my system get rid of it. The bible talks about fasting.

Why?

Managing money. Journaling. Counseling. Taking good care of what I have. One step at a time. Helping my kids emotionally.

Summertime- we will get to church!!!

Meanwhile, run with friends.

Thank you God.

Saturday

Stopped in to see my auto insurance agent today. Impulsive. I was just driving by and he was in the office. "Let God lead."

"Coincedence is God's way renaming anonymous. "

He (the auto insurance guy) has become a better husband just in the last five years of his marriage. He calls his wife “Babe”, he notices outfits she wears and compliments her appropriately, and he tells her that he is proud of her after observing one of her talents.

He has learned this through Heartland Church. Oh, I so love that place. He gave me the number of his son, who seems to be an expert when it comes to Autistic Resources. I am not certain whether to finish projects completely, or let impulses guide me. I miss the kids.

Great meal. Leftover brown rice spiral noodles, creamy northern beans, leftover ground beef, red peppers, red onion, Italian seasoning, sea salt, and Havarti cheese.

No plastic? I really have to ask Dr. Julia about milk, etc. One step at a time. Learn one step at a time. Spend money only when you must. Track and learn. Do not waste. Stick with this insurance agent. I can't believe how well grounded he seems to be.

And most importantly of all,,,,,,,,,,,,

Breathe.