My system is off. No doubt about it. I have been careful to avoid corn or corn syrup, and I suspect I would benefit from a probiotic. Bean consumption has been way down. I am right on target for fish, and I consumer more nuts (legumes) than recommended. But nuts are easy, plentiful, and it's easy to buy them el natural.

I've been taking vitamin C, iron, my multivitamin, and my live sprout supplements. Small blood vessels keep breaking close to the skin, and it's easy to become anemic with all of the exercise I have been engaging in as well as the stress I have been dealing with.

I did ,however, make it to Pilates Mat class last night. The focus on the controlled breathing and precise movement really helped me to relax. I slept better last night than I have in quite awhile.

Observing divorce court is very interesting. I saw one deadbeat dad and one deadbeat mom and lot of everyday folks. Basically, the judge doesn't want details. He wants precise facts and he wants the parents to compromise on custody battles. Thanks to the judge, I am no longer completely cut off from funds, but now have a weekly stipend. I also have one more day of visitation rights with my kids, and the husband has a little bit less control over my schedule.

I broke down completely last night. I never imagined that he would restrict me from time with my children. But the law is on his side, even though I had the best of intentions. Even though I have been trapped and abandoned for years, the second I started sleeping elsewhere, the law favors the residential parent.

Basically, I had a situation that doesn't fit the mold. Had I been a little more educated, I would have told him I wanted a divorce, stayed in the house, and dealt with the emotional backlash. Not so easy when you have felt cornerd for a long time.

Well, I have decided that I will attempt to deal with my pain through giving. Altruistic giving, mind you. Meaning that if someone needs support, I will offer it. I will not be upset if they do not need anything. I will contact church and find out what project needs a volunteer. There are many races too this season- all for good causes- and many of them need volunteers. I will try to maintain open communication with my kids, although it is very hard. It hurts the kids to share my hurt, so I try very hard not to say anything negative. I know that this just puts them in the middle, and I don't want to do that. They don't understand that Mom is now leaving way before bedtime, because a judge ordered it so at my husband's request.

They just see me leaving.

Ok, so on to the next question. Have any of you been through 'mediation'? When the kids are not with me, it's time to research this next step. I just know it won't be pretty.

Here is some good news. Now that I have a weekly stipend, I can get back to my favorite grocery store and buy my diamonds once again. It's time to make a game out of it, I think. How can I consume the largest amount of diamonds on the least amount of money?

Could be fun.

What a beautiful day. I explored a new forest preserve today. It's 6.5 miles of prairie land covered with flowers of all kinds. I especially liked the path covered with purple coneflowers. The sky was as open and wide as my eyes could see. Fluffly white clouds and multi colored butterflies swarmed underneath an 80 degree sky. It was windy and just gorgeous.

I can't wait to bring my kids to this place. There is a nice little Historical Museum Center - quite educational and entertaining. As you walk by the coyotee exhibit, they suddenly start yapping! (Hidden tape somewhere

I find if very ironic that this place was simply a 20 minute drive from my house, and yet it took me 14 years to find it. More later...

I took the kids to the Magic Waters Water Park today. We bought season passes last Christmas, and the price was well worth it. The waterpark is filled with these little "islands". Lounge chairs, picnic tables, and faboulous multi story waterslides perfect for a 5 year old and an 8 year old. At one point, this huge bucket overflows with water, tips over, and pours a large amount of water over anyone standing underneath. Every five minutes, the bucket tips over again. Meanwhile, my five year old and I are attempting to climb up three stories of gently sloping rope ladders. It turns, it twists, it changes into a rope tunnel, and eventually leads to two or three gentle water slides.

The children had so much fun. Josh's occupational therapist, Tess, would have loved this if she had seen it. The rope ladders require quite a bit of balance, coordination and strength to navigate. It's the perfect activity for a child with sensory integration disorder. Heck, it's just plain fun for me too!

Meanwhile, I have been researching 'divorce care' for kids. Basically, it is highly recommended that at least one constant be kept in place after the divorce. It's much better if you can keep several things the same, but unlikely. There is such a thing called a 'nesting' divorce. In this case, the children stay in the same house, the same neighborhood, and the same school district. Mom and Dad move in and out to care for the kids. For example, an airplane pilot might have to work four or five days in a row, so Mom would live in the house at that time. After Dad returns from work, Mom would move out to a seperate place ( a little studio apartment perhaps ) and Dad would take care of the house and the kids. A joint 'kitty' would exist for household expenses, and both Mom and Dad would contribute a portion of their pay to the kitty. It's a very cooperative effort between two divorced people for the sake of protecting the children.

Joshua is both a sensory disorder child and autistic (high functioning.) This kind of situation would be perfect for him. And in our case (Mom and Dad), it would be less expensive long term. Dad has somewhere to go during his long work hours, and I would rent somewhere cheap.

But of course, it takes two willing partners. At the moment, we aren't talking. So what could happen? Maybe the kids stay in the house with Dad and I continue to watch them while he is at work. Or, the court could award residential custody to me and ask him to leave the house. Or I could be awarded financial support and try to rent a little house or safe apartment for the kids and myself. Buying a house would be cheaper as for as a monthly payment, but I hesitate to put down roots.

All I really know right now is that I have to wait for the next court date and wait for the judges decision. Meanwhile, I just try to gather facts, research, and keep my sanity.

I skipped my lemon juice with hot water this morning, and boy can I tell the difference. My sinuses are inflamed, the weather is vastly different from day to day, and most of the surrounded area is flooded.

Sorry if I skip topics or if my writing is a bit rambled. I am tired and my head hurts. But ---- oh am I thankful. My house is dry, my kids are healthy, and tomorrow is a new day. Sleep well everyone.

So where am I now? When I announced that I wanted a divorce, I was very upfront. No secrets. I tried to follow the marriage therapists advice and communicate gently. He took every piece of information I gave him, and used it against me in court.

He had a lawyer, but I did not. I had 'consulted' one, but had not offically hired her. When I was served to appear in court, I had 24 hours notice, and an attorney who couldn't see me until the following week. I represented myself with 5 minutes of legal advice. The judge signed and order which allowed me to take care of the kids from 8 - 5 when the husband was at work and visitation rights were allowed. However, I was banned from simply walking into my own house. I don't even remember the judge discussing this with me, so I don't know how this piece of paper - this judgement - is valid. But here is what I do know:

MOMS- IF HE WON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE, TAKE EVERY CREDIT CARD YOU HAVE, RENT A SAFE PLACE, AND TAKE THE KIDS WITH YOU. BETTER YET, CONSULT A LAWYER FIRST BEFORE YOU TELL YOUR HUSBAND THAT YOU ARE LEAVING.

I was trying to be upfront. I was trying not to break the budget( I rented a room and volunteered to take care of the kids during his crazy work schedule.) I was prepared for a somewhat peaceful - let's not hurt the kids more than necessary- kind of divorce. Instead, every trick in the book was thrown at me. He stopped the direct deposit from going into his checking account, he closed joint credit cards without telling me, and he forbid me to pay my lawyer with our joint funds.

Because I did not have time to truly file or work with a lawyer, he has the home court advantage. I am still stunned.

Genotype diet? I did order the menu plan. I wanted to stick with my nutrition plan during this stressful time, and have it done for me- because I simply don't have the heart to spend hours planning meals right now. But my diet is way off, as is my ability to sleep. I will be cancelling it soon as it is time to conserve funds. At the request of my old lawyer, I hired a new one. Next week, I am back in court.

I am thankful for my vitamins and my live foods supplement. My stomach and digestive track is off, but at least I haven't fallen to illness (knock on wood!) Chamomile tea fills my tea kettle. Exercise outdoors probably saves my sanity.

Meanwhile, the kids are troubled - but adjusting. They see Mom and Dad every day - just at different times. He is control of the grocery shopping, and my heart just sinks. Easy food is his goal.

I should probably be very upfront and say - hey I am not perfect. There are two sides to every story. But right now, it helps to vent. Thank all of you for your comments- but most importantly - thanks for caring. Hopefully , the next blog will be about the wonderous bread machine my landlord owns. Hopefully.

My future looked bleak. I spent the majority of my time single parenting and alone. I asked for changes. I volunteered to take on more job responsibility and produce supplemental income if he would cut back on his work schedule. I asked if we could sell the house and cut down on the time spent maintaining the home. I simply wanted more time together as a family, and more time with just the two of us. I needed more time as friends and as husband and wife.

He tried. But the effort was miniscule and full of complaints. Spending time together just lead to dissapointment. Unhealthy habits and different priorities seperated us even further. Someday, I would be by his side, his dutiful and unwilling nurse, while he recovered from poor health he caused himself through everyday actions.

I used to smoke a pack of cigarettes at the end of my day. I used to wait until the children went to bed, and then I would sit outside on our back deck, alone, and daydream about being somewhere else. Anywhere else. The nicotine would fill my system and I would toss and turn most of the night, only to wake up cranky and depleted. My two healthy and active children, would require more energy than I had, even if I hadn't been smoking for 2 to 3 hours at a time.

I kicked the smoking habit - actually became a personal trainer who is now in top form. But my 'cancer' was still with me. As he struggled through his own issues, I waited patiently. I asked for what I needed. I heard him say over and over again, "I am going to start taking care of myself. I am going to exercise and spend more time with the family. I am going to make amends for the things I have done wrong. "

But he didn't, and without professional help, he won't. The longer I stay, the more it enables him to keep continuing his destructive habits.

Kids need me. More later.

After reading Dr. D's blogs, it becomes difficult for me to attempt to blog. He is such an accomplished writer, and my own ramblings seem immature at best.

Despite these feelings, I think 'something' is always better than nothing. Perhaps today I will simply blog about what's been happening in my life lately.

One month ago, I made the biggest decision of my life. I decided it was time to take control of my life. You see, I have been married for over 14 years, have two beautiful children, and have been miserable for about the last 6 years.

My dissatisfaction truly reaches back beyond the previous 6 years, but it has peaked as the responsibilities of the family have grown. Two children with 'sensitivities' forced Mom to grow up and become less self centered. Unfortunately, I grew in one direction, while my husband has grown in another.

I was raised Catholic, and I was raised to believe that divorce is a sin. No matter how bad things seemed to be, one must hang in there and go see a "christian" counselor. After all, I had made a promise to God. Who in their right mind would break a promise to someone like him?

I did what most people do. I settled. I tried to improve things. I encouraged my husband and I to seek counseling, and in some ways, it truly helped. Small crises would come and go, children would distract us, and we struggled along. When things started to escalate, I promised myself that I would stick around until the children were 18, and then I would leave.

One day it finally hit me. None of my minimum expectations had been met by my partner, and while he tried to change, it wasn't enough. Then the big tidal wave hit. My sacrifice wasn't helping my children. All I was doing was teaching my children to settle for an unhealthy and dysfunctional marriage. I was teaching them to expect this lopsided, unbalance, selfish way of doing things. More later...