My future looked bleak. I spent the majority of my time single parenting and alone. I asked for changes. I volunteered to take on more job responsibility and produce supplemental income if he would cut back on his work schedule. I asked if we could sell the house and cut down on the time spent maintaining the home. I simply wanted more time together as a family, and more time with just the two of us. I needed more time as friends and as husband and wife.

He tried. But the effort was miniscule and full of complaints. Spending time together just lead to dissapointment. Unhealthy habits and different priorities seperated us even further. Someday, I would be by his side, his dutiful and unwilling nurse, while he recovered from poor health he caused himself through everyday actions.

I used to smoke a pack of cigarettes at the end of my day. I used to wait until the children went to bed, and then I would sit outside on our back deck, alone, and daydream about being somewhere else. Anywhere else. The nicotine would fill my system and I would toss and turn most of the night, only to wake up cranky and depleted. My two healthy and active children, would require more energy than I had, even if I hadn't been smoking for 2 to 3 hours at a time.

I kicked the smoking habit - actually became a personal trainer who is now in top form. But my 'cancer' was still with me. As he struggled through his own issues, I waited patiently. I asked for what I needed. I heard him say over and over again, "I am going to start taking care of myself. I am going to exercise and spend more time with the family. I am going to make amends for the things I have done wrong. "

But he didn't, and without professional help, he won't. The longer I stay, the more it enables him to keep continuing his destructive habits.

Kids need me. More later.