Archives for: June 2008, 12
So where am I now? When I announced that I wanted a divorce, I was very upfront. No secrets. I tried to follow the marriage therapists advice and communicate gently. He took every piece of information I gave him, and used it against me in court.
He had a lawyer, but I did not. I had 'consulted' one, but had not offically hired her. When I was served to appear in court, I had 24 hours notice, and an attorney who couldn't see me until the following week. I represented myself with 5 minutes of legal advice. The judge signed and order which allowed me to take care of the kids from 8 - 5 when the husband was at work and visitation rights were allowed. However, I was banned from simply walking into my own house. I don't even remember the judge discussing this with me, so I don't know how this piece of paper - this judgement - is valid. But here is what I do know:
MOMS- IF HE WON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE, TAKE EVERY CREDIT CARD YOU HAVE, RENT A SAFE PLACE, AND TAKE THE KIDS WITH YOU. BETTER YET, CONSULT A LAWYER FIRST BEFORE YOU TELL YOUR HUSBAND THAT YOU ARE LEAVING.
I was trying to be upfront. I was trying not to break the budget( I rented a room and volunteered to take care of the kids during his crazy work schedule.) I was prepared for a somewhat peaceful - let's not hurt the kids more than necessary- kind of divorce. Instead, every trick in the book was thrown at me. He stopped the direct deposit from going into his checking account, he closed joint credit cards without telling me, and he forbid me to pay my lawyer with our joint funds.
Because I did not have time to truly file or work with a lawyer, he has the home court advantage. I am still stunned.
Genotype diet? I did order the menu plan. I wanted to stick with my nutrition plan during this stressful time, and have it done for me- because I simply don't have the heart to spend hours planning meals right now. But my diet is way off, as is my ability to sleep. I will be cancelling it soon as it is time to conserve funds. At the request of my old lawyer, I hired a new one. Next week, I am back in court.
I am thankful for my vitamins and my live foods supplement. My stomach and digestive track is off, but at least I haven't fallen to illness (knock on wood!) Chamomile tea fills my tea kettle. Exercise outdoors probably saves my sanity.
Meanwhile, the kids are troubled - but adjusting. They see Mom and Dad every day - just at different times. He is control of the grocery shopping, and my heart just sinks. Easy food is his goal.
I should probably be very upfront and say - hey I am not perfect. There are two sides to every story. But right now, it helps to vent. Thank all of you for your comments- but most importantly - thanks for caring. Hopefully , the next blog will be about the wonderous bread machine my landlord owns. Hopefully.
My future looked bleak. I spent the majority of my time single parenting and alone. I asked for changes. I volunteered to take on more job responsibility and produce supplemental income if he would cut back on his work schedule. I asked if we could sell the house and cut down on the time spent maintaining the home. I simply wanted more time together as a family, and more time with just the two of us. I needed more time as friends and as husband and wife.
He tried. But the effort was miniscule and full of complaints. Spending time together just lead to dissapointment. Unhealthy habits and different priorities seperated us even further. Someday, I would be by his side, his dutiful and unwilling nurse, while he recovered from poor health he caused himself through everyday actions.
I used to smoke a pack of cigarettes at the end of my day. I used to wait until the children went to bed, and then I would sit outside on our back deck, alone, and daydream about being somewhere else. Anywhere else. The nicotine would fill my system and I would toss and turn most of the night, only to wake up cranky and depleted. My two healthy and active children, would require more energy than I had, even if I hadn't been smoking for 2 to 3 hours at a time.
I kicked the smoking habit - actually became a personal trainer who is now in top form. But my 'cancer' was still with me. As he struggled through his own issues, I waited patiently. I asked for what I needed. I heard him say over and over again, "I am going to start taking care of myself. I am going to exercise and spend more time with the family. I am going to make amends for the things I have done wrong. "
But he didn't, and without professional help, he won't. The longer I stay, the more it enables him to keep continuing his destructive habits.
Kids need me. More later.