Have you ever wondered how an O-non can possibly put on weight easily and quickly? Wait and wonder no more! Here is a simple and easy to follow guide to provide you with the key factors which will guarantee weight gain for even the trimmest, healthiest O-non:

1. Stop exercising. Arrange your life so that you have no time or energy left at the end of the day. If you are a member of a gym, make sure it is far away. Once your membership expires, DO NOT RENEW IT. If you MUST exercise, avoid vigourous exercise and instead choose yoga and leisurely walking exclusively. These activities will fool the O-non brain into thinking the body is exercising, but in reality do little to ease stress and keep a vibrant O in fighting form. If you are ever tempted to go for a run around the neighbourhood, this can be easily prevented with mysterious foot/knee/hip/back problems which require physiotherapy. Hopefully your physiotherapist will forbid you for running, at least for a little while…

2. Eat more grains. Zero to three servings per week is only a GUIDELINE, people! Ezekiel buns make for easy and enjoyable dinners. Walnut butter is yummy, but only reaches its full potential slathered on a rice cracker. Make sure you reach for rice crackers or other grain-filled snacks FIRST when you arrive home hungry. If you ruin your appetite for a healthy protein-and-veggies dinner, it will still be there tomorrow, right?

3. Re-classify rice syrup as a “neutral”. It’s in all kinds of otherwise compliant snacks, like flax and quinoa protein bars, so what’s the harm in eating a little here and there? Any immune suppression resulting from this extra sugar is minor, and definitely couldn’t be the cause of mild, recurring ear infections or scratchy throat… The next best thing to rice syrup is agave syrup, which actually IS neutral for O-nons. Make sure to overuse it and ALWAYS choose it over vegetable glycerine (which is no good at all for blood sugar spiking).

4. Cut back on sleep and DO NOT stick to a consistent sleep schedule. You need more time for school and work, so why not dip a bit into the sleep bank? One way to do this is to study or work right up until the time you plan to go to bed. This will ensure that it takes you much longer to get to sleep AND your sleep will be of lower quality. DO NOT meditate before going to sleep, this will only improve your sleep. Make sure that you only have one day per week on which you can sleep in, and then waste half of that day catching up on sleep. This will prevent you from following a consistent sleep schedule for the rest of the week.

5. Increase your stress level. Enroll in a full-time, demanding program that is so expensive that you must also work part-time as much as possible. Add to this trying to have a social life and your stress will easily double or triple. Become a perfectionist so that you MUST know every detail about a subject before you are tested on it, ensuring that you are in “fight or flight” mode as much of the day as possible. Make silly mistakes like deleting a 15-page paper the night before it is due or setting your alarm clock for PM instead of AM – these will keep the cortisol pumping!

6. Eat too much and eat ALL DAY LONG. Eat for comfort, eat out of boredom, eat to procrastinate, eat when you are full. Ensure that you have nearly no breaks during the day – this will help you eat at EVERY AVAILABLE opportunity and eat when you aren’t hungry because who knows how many hours will pass before you can eat again? Follow the currently popular advice of “grazing” rather than sticking to meal times. This will prevent you from being aware of how much you are really eating and will screw up your body’s hunger/satiety signalling.

So, yes, I have been doing ALL of these things for the past few months and I have some extra weight to show for it! Stay tuned for my New Year’s Resolutions which will address most of the issues above…