I am having trouble sleeping tonight, so here I am....

As for clawing my way back.....

I got complacent, and the occasional cheat turned into a full slide back into some old bad habits. Namely, bread and dairy in various forms, and sugar, in most any form.

So last week I not only reined it in, I stopped all cheating cold turkey. I wish I could say it was because of some magical insight on my part, but mostly it was because I was frustrated with my scale, and I realized I had only nine weeks to our wedding. I'm now eating virtually zero sugar, zero grains, and zero (avoid) dairy). I will occasionally have a tiny bite of dark chocolate (it's for mental health purposes, I swear!) and last night I had a tiny bite of Gordon's dessert (wheat, cinnamon sugar, not very good at all). I keep telling myself that I am allowed to eat anything I want - it's denying myself that turns me into a raving lunatic who MUST eat vast quantities of chocolate croissants or Coke or Easter candy.

I got Dr. D'Adamo's Healthy Weight Loss Pack for Os, and have been having a protein shake for breakfast, and something lowish in carbs and O appropriate for lunch and dinner. I think the plan recommends a shake for breakfast and lunch, but I don't want to do that unless my weight loss stalls. The O protein powder is a little gritty, but is pretty tasty, and does mix well with soy milk or juice. I haven't tried it with water (and doubt I will).

I've also been walking quite a bit (3 miles to the dentist on Tuesday, 2 miles yesterday) and working out a fair amount. I smidge of yoga, a FULL round of weights. I also rediscovered my love for the rowing machine at the gym yesterday. I did 5:30 minutes on it and was complete jelly afterwards. It felt GREAT!

And in the week since I started this, I've dropped FIVE pounds. Seen the lowest weight so far this YEAR. Woo hoo! (I've already spoken with my physician here in LA, and she said losing that much weight in a week is fine if you're doing it right, and she approves of Dr. D's Healthy Weight Loss Plan and of the BTD in general. In fact, she lost about 100 pounds using the BTD, and it wasn't unusual for her to lose that much in a week, either.)

The only problems I've experienced are that I've been wiped out every day until yesterday, and I'm crabby. And I'm talking so tired I can't get off the couch, or so tired that I've taken naps a few days in a row. I think my body is reorganizing a few things right now! Yesterday I didn't get as tired, but I also had caffeine at lunch and then went to work out just before the time I've been getting so tired. It helped. Except now, I have been tossing and turning all night, and it was at least 12 hours from the last caffeine. Grr. And the crabbiness comes and goes, and hasn't lifted yet. My mood has been utterly BLACK some of the time, which tells me I'm addicted to sugar, and is all the more reason to stay away from it.

So I am clawing my way back to balance, trying to lose the rest of this weight, destress, and deal with all this wedding stuff.

It is now 4:23 am, and I'm hoping that the melatonin I took will help me fall asleep. Over and out.

Things are moving along here - I am (for the moment) still temping at the place less than a mile from home, but will probably not be here much longer.

My uncle is out of the hospital and is recovering nicely. My dad's cousin is still in the hospital, 21 days after being admitted and nearly dying from a toxic mega-colon. He is improving daily, and finally got out of ICU and into a regular room a few days ago, which reminds me that I need to send flowers.

I am dealing. Working full-time and planning a wedding is a major pain in the butt. And I'm not even doing everything - my future mother-in-law is handling the hotel stuff, and others are pitching in where they can. I'm trying to lay low this weekend and not do much other than exercise and take care of myself.

Went to the chiropractor yesterday and my chiro said that I'm in training for a big event. Yup. I sure am! She also said that my liver and large intestine were 'mad at me' - can't say I'm surprised since I had cake FOUR times last weekend while we were exploring bakers! I'll be tasting again this weekend, too, so I'll have to endure a little more wheat, but other than the 'required' tastings, I'm doing well and avoiding all the bad stuff. And after seeing my chiropractor yesterday and going to sleep at 9pm, I feel much better today. More centered and grounded, and much less stressed.

Did choose a florist and a baker in the last few days, too. Contracts are being put in place, and things are getting done little by little. The next project is to line up a coordinator for the day of the wedding, and perhaps for a week or two leading up to it. I have an appointment this evening with a coordinator, and then I plan to hit the gym.

It's coming together!

In the last few weeks, three relatives have been hospitalized, I quit the job I was working at because my boss was a passive-aggressive abusive jerk, and I'm still planning the wedding.

I'm exercising more regularly now, and enjoying it, and the temp job I started yesterday is close enough that I have been walking to work and intend to keep doing so. It's .9 miles each way, and takes me 15-20 minutes to get there (uphill all the way to work) and slightly less to get home since it's downhill the whole way. I've lost about 6 pounds total, and I'll be happy if I lose about 10 more before the wedding, though no one else seems to think I need to lose any. I know I'm still about that much heavier than I was even last summer. I'll get there.

This week I've got an appointment every night to deal with something from the wedding - three floral appointments this week, and a couple other assorted ones. My future mother-in-law went with me tonight, and Anne will meet me at the florist tomorrow night. As fun as planning a wedding is, it IS stressful, especially when added to the family situation AND the job situation. I'm dealing with it as best I can, but I still have some work to do.

My dad's cousins husband (follow that?) has been having major digestive issues for the last several months, and I was talking with her about the BTD over the holidays and how it might help ease his pain and help him heal. I don't know if she ever did anything with the information, but he was admitted into the hospital 12 days ago with a toxic mega colon and his organs were shutting down. They had to remove his colon, and he'll have a colostomy bag now. He has been sedated and off and on a ventilator for all twelve of these days, and is FINALLY recovering enough to breathe on his own. It has been touch and go until the last 24 hours or so.

Then, last week, my uncle was admitted to the hospital with severe tummy pains - had an emergency appendectomy shortly after arriving at the ER. He's STILL in the hospital because he has lots of gas in his small intestine, and they said it is common for this to happen after an appendectomy, but they can't let him go home until it goes away. Sheesh.

Finally spoke with my grandmother in the assisted living place. She's so angry at my father I could hear it in every word she spoke, even though she's not mad at me. I hope she lets go of her anger and realizes that we all want her to be safe and sound. She's thrilled about the wedding, but doesn't remember that she's met Gordon until I remind her that she's the guy I brought home in August and at Christmastime. Then she does remember him, and comments how much she likes him. But then I wonder if she really DOES remember, because she'll tell me that my uncles in the hospital and she doesn't remember having told me that twice already in the same conversation. It's sad and frustrating.

I really hope that by working so hard to stay healthy (and we all know how much work it is to follow the BTD day in and day out!) that I can avoid or delay some of the issues that hit so many of us as we age. I know how I hurt even now when I get up in the morning and wonder how I'll deal with it when I REALLY hurt when I'm 80 or 90 or more. Especially since I do figure I'll live to be at least 100 given medical advances and my family history. I guess only time will tell.