Gordon and I are heading off to Texas Saturday, so it might be a while until I can post again. We're going to introduce him to most of my family, and spend as much time as possible with my grandmother and see a few friends while we're there. It will be a long trip, but we'll have fun travelling together. This will be our first real trip together - he joined me in NYC last month, but he came and went while I was already in the city, so it's not the same. This will be us in a car together for 2-3 days each way, and together most of the time we're in TX.

My family's reactions should be interesting. I'll let you all know what happens!

Between now and Saturday noon, I have to do so many things I can barely think straight. This is my last day at this job (YAY!) and tomorrow morning I'm meeting my friend SF for Starbucks. Then I have to take a nap, run some errands in the evening, and get things organized for Anne to take care of the cats while I'm gone. Oh, and I haven't BEGUN to pack yet, either.

Acting class last night was good - did some second level work, which means that the actor is radiating two contrasting emotions at the same time. All good acting does this, and it's what makes actors compelling to watch.

Gotta scoot - lots to do before I leave work this morning!

Not THAT kind!

I have spent many, many hours in the dental chair, and it's never fun. Today I finally had a checkup (it's been too long) and found out that a few of my fillings need to be replaced, and I need to replace my bridge, preferably with dental implants. Total cost for all of this? About $17,000. Right. $17,000. I asked what the first priority is, and it is to replace a filling that is cracked, then to replace another filling that is deteriorating, then a third that is also beginning to go. I go to a holistic dentist, too, which adds to the cost, but (hopefully) decreases the long-term cost. So when I get back from vacation I will take care of the first filling, and figure out what to do about the rest of it. I can take a bit of time in replacing the fillings, but it certainly would be easier to get them all out of the way at once, too. That is, if I have the nearly $2,000 it will cost to get all of them done. Ugh.

The dental implants are something I've been thinking about for a long time. I have a bridge as a result of a childhood accident - lost three teeth and broke my nose. I had a partial plate for years, and got a permanent plate when I finished growing. Replaced it about 12 years ago, and it has served me well and looks okay, too. The problem is that when you lose teeth, the jaw bone doesn't have anything to support, and deteriorates over time. It's been nearly 25 years since that bone had to support anything, and I need to think about getting the dental implants in the next couple of years for there to be a chance of being able to grow back enough of the bone to adequately support the implants. And they are incredibly expensive, and I've never seen a dental plan that paid for them. So I'm on my own for the $12-15 K they would cost. Yikes.

Other than THAT lovely little appointment, my day was fine. Had lunch with Gordon, slept well, and got up and did my normal mad dash to work.

Now to figure out how to pay for the dental work....

Got my car aligned yesterday morning, and then got to spend about 45 minutes catching up on things with Anne. Then I saw Mike for about an hour, and he bought my kitchen table from me - and offered me $45 more than I would have sold it for! I readily agreed to his price, and the transaction was done. So my table is now his table, and I have two chairs to sell now. Knowing that I'll be moving at the end of next month has prompted me to start trying to get rid of things, and Mike mentioned that he'd been looking at a table at IKEA, and I told him I'd be getting rid of mine. Turned out he'd been considering the exact same table, so it worked out really well to sell it to him. I also have a nice couch and a mattress to get rid of, as well as some other, smaller items. The timing was fortuitous, though, since Gordon and I are heading off to Texas this weekend so I can see my grandmother and he and my family can meet, and the extra money will come in handy for the trip.

I have two more days of work, and I can't tell you how excited I will be to get out of here! I don't know how I've done this for the last 7 months. I never sleep as well during the day, and usually wake up at least once during the day - today I woke up twice, and it took me a while to fall back to sleep both times. And someone knocked at the door around 8pm, too, which didn't help, even though I ignored it.

I haven't been grocery shopping since this Saturday I'm leaving for two weeks to go visit my family in Texas, so my meals are going to be a bit unusual for the next few days - I've got boiled shrimp for lunch tonight, and cherries and pumpkin seeds. I may dash to a grocery store to pick up a salad at lunch, too. I only have to make it until Saturday, and have enough shrimp to last a couple of days, and can always pick up a lamb chop or two to make it to Saturday. I'll probably be trying to clean out my cabinets in the next few weeks as I prepare to move anyway, so I might as well start now.

Spent much of the morning dealing with the tire situation - went to AutoZone and bought some Fix-A-Flat, and Gordon and I used it on one of the tires. It was hissing as it went in, and as it came out the hole in the sidewall. Bummer. That's one new tire to buy. Check the other tire, it had a tear in the sidewall, too. That's two new tires. Double bummer. So we loaded my tires into the back of Gordon's SUV and took them to the tire store. This tire store is awesome - I'd bought tires there in April and they were great then, too. We were in and out of there within 20 minutes. Headed back to my car, Gordon put the new tires on, and I was on my way. I have to take my car back to the tire shop in the morning for an alignment, and then it will be good to go.

Once I got the car taken care of, I ran to the store for a couple things, and then showered and went to bed. It was about 1pm by the time I got to bed, so I slept until 10 pm tonight. Woke up a couple of times, but went right back to sleep both times, and slept fairly well otherwise. And only 4 more days of this sleeping during the day thing! Woo hoo! I think that getting my circadian rhythms back to a normal schedule will help me a lot.

So in the morning I will get my car alignment, and then Mike and I will get together for a little bit. He may be buying my kitchen table and he wants to see it, plus we haven't seen each other at all in a couple of weeks.

I ate a couple pieces of spelt toast with almond butter for a quick breakfast when I woke up, and had a glass of ginger lemonade, too. Had to head out the door quickly, so no eggs tonight. Brought a turkey burger patty and some risotto for lunch, and cherries and pumpkin seeds for snacks.

Friday was a busy day - Gordon and I went to the chiropractor's office and he got his adjustment and I got my massage, and then he dropped me off at my place, where I gathered a few things and went down to nap at Gordon's so we could then go do something Friday night. Didn't happen, though. I slept from about 4pm until around 8pm, and Gordon woke me up for dinner. I could barely stay awake, but did manage to eat about half of a large lambchop and some risotto, and we watched part of "The Music Man" that he'd recorded several weeks ago. I lasted about 10 minutes and fell asleep on the couch. He woke me up when it was over, and I went to bed and was out cold again within seconds of my head hitting the pillow, and slept until around 9am. So I think I slept close to 15 hours Friday night.

Saturday Gordon and I didn't do much - hung out at home for a while, and then went to lunch at Hamburger Hamlet, where I had a turkey burger and fries, and even ate the bun. We ran a few errands, and I returned a coat and a skirt that I'd bought a few weeks ago that I realized I just wasn't going to wear, so I exchanged them for some great clothes that I WILL wear. Since I have very little in the way of 'business' clothes these days, I got a nice pair of pants and a couple of blouses that can take me from a business casual office to a business dress office if paired with a jacket. At some point I got a bit shaky, and was feeling really weird and foggy, so Gordon and I found some sushi and I sat and ate it and drank some water and then felt better. Don't know if it was that I hadn't eaten enough protein (didn't finish the turkey burger) or that the wheat from the bun weirded me out or if I was dehydrated or what, but it was odd, and Gordon said I scared him a bit. After the mall I went home and cleaned my apartment a bit, putting things away and vacuuming and cleaning litterboxes, etc. I'm home so little these days that I've been letting things slide more than I like to. It felt good to get my place cleaned up and looking more normal.

Sunday Gordon and I went to a church service where a friend of his renewed her wedding vows to her husband and then we went to a garden party reception at a beautiful home in a lovely part of LA. It was a fun party, and I got to meet a number of Gordon's friends, some for the first time, and some for the second time. It was a fun afternoon, and I enjoyed the garden party atmosphere - most of the women were wearing skirts, the men were also all dressed up, and it was a beautiful setting to celebrate a happy occasion.

Got home about 4:30, and tried to nap, and failed miserably. Finally fell asleep about 7:45, and slept for about 45 minutes. Then I couldn't fall back to sleep. Tossed and turned until 10:30, when the alarm went off. Got ready for work, and headed out to stop at Starbucks on the way in to the office, and cut the corner into the Starbucks parking lot too close and jumped the curb. I ended up with a flat right front tire. Crap. So I pulled into a parking space and called Gordon for help.

Gordon was amazing. Immediately took charge, in a confident 'let me help you take care of this' kind of way, without being overbearing, condescending, or the least bit upset or angry about having to leave home at midnight to come help me. (Something confirms for me every day that he is the man for me!) He told me to pull the spare out of the trunk (no small feat given all the stuff I have in there to take to the Salvation Army!), and when he got there he put the spare on. Just as he finished with the spare, I glanced at the rear tire. Flat. Now we have a real problem. So Gordon brought me to work, and is picking me up in the morning to take me to Auto Zone so I can buy some fix-a-flat, and then I'll head to the tire store to make sure I didn't seriously damage my tires or bend a rim or anything. The tires look fine, so hopefully they'll just need air and to be put back on the car.

So I was about 45 minutes late to work, and will have to spend some time taking care of this in the morning, but all in all no big deal, fortunately. After I take care of the tires, I then have to go to the dentist in the morning, then I get to go to sleep, and I plan on sleeping as long as I can tomorrow afternoon.

I had hoped to rest all weekend and recuperate from the emotional crud of last week with my mother as well as the emotional shifts I made during and since my Essence Weekend. I will spend Saturday at home most of the day, but there will be lots to do, too. I desperately need to clean my apartment. I did nothing last weekend, and haven't really done much of anything at home (vacuum, clean the bathroom, etc.) in more weeks than I care to admit. Dating takes up a lot of time! Not that I'm complaining....

Friday morning Gordon will pick me up and we'll head back to the chiropractor's office. He'll get another adjustment, and I'll get a massage. The last time I had a massage was in April, so it's time. Afterwards, he'll drop me off at home for a while, and I'll nap for a few hours. I'll head down to his place around 4 or 5pm, and meet up with Anne down there to have some girl time, and then the three of us will have dinner. Dinner will consist of lambchops, artichokes, and some other yet to be determined vegetable. Dessert might be berries with some kind of chocolate sauce like Gordon's mother made for us a few weeks ago....

Saturday Gordon and I will spend most of the day at my place hanging out. I'll also clean up and hang clothes up and organize and perhaps pack a bit to prepare for moving. It will be a busy, but low-key day, which I need. I plan on a nap being involved sometime Saturday, too. Perhaps the movies Saturday night, and then Sunday will be fun-filled and action-packed. A wedding in the morning, a brunch for a couple of hours (for entertainment industry contacts), and then back to the wedding reception. Nap in the evening before going to work.

I also hope to do some yoga or other exercise this weekend - my body is like a coiled spring these days. Too much pent up energy, and nowhere for it to go....

Yesterday was SO busy! I didn't get to sleep until about 4:15 in the afternoon, which meant that I didn't get quite enough sleep. Blah! I got my hair done, and my hairdresser took FOREVER to do my hair. I was at her place for FOUR hours, and was starving and exhausted by the time I left. And she didn't cut my hair short enough, so I asked her to recut it, and now it's EXACTLY the length I wanted. In the past I wouldn't've asked her (or any hairdresser) to do that - I would have just lived with it. Then I called Anne, because she was kind enough to reschedule her lunch with her dad to have lunch with me, and then it was still 2:20 by the time I got home to pick her up for lunch. And I wanted nothing more than to climb into my little bed by then, but I hadn't seen her except for maybe an hour or so last week. Not enough. So we went out for sushi, had a GREAT lunch, and had fun catching up. She was appropriately appalled at my mother's antics, and I heard all about the wedding she went to about a week and a half ago, the news about the guy she's dating, and other girl stuff. We had fun, but I was fading fast! Didn't have time for my manicure, either, but I'll get it later this week or over he weekend.

My car's AC is acting up again, too, so I need to take it back to the shop and see what the problem is. Not fun. I just had it charged, so that isn't the problem..... We'll see!

As of the weekend, or maybe a few days before, I've lost what I gained while I was in New York. I don't get on the scale daily, so it may have been gone before the weekend. Yesterday I had the rest of my salad from CPK, and then cherries and chocolate chips for a snack, and sushi for lunch right before I went to sleep. I've got a few pieces of sushi for lunch here at work tonight, and cherries, strawberries, and blueberries. Yum. I love my berries! I've also got pumpkin seeds and chocolate chips, but may or may not eat those. I'm getting back to my exercising, too. Haven't walked at work for a while, but I did one lap around the building so far tonight, and will do a few more so that I've at least walked a mile by the end of my shift.

I go back to the chiropractor this morning and Gordon is going, too. He's never been to a chiro, so this ought to be interesting! ; ) Then we'll go to lunch, and perhaps I'll get to run an errand I've been trying to run for a few weeks now. And I WILL get to bed before 3pm today!

It was intense, that's for sure. After I blogged early Friday morning, I got a really nasty letter from my mother, in which she called me all kinds of horrible things and then told me not to bother to respond to her. It was uncalled for on her part, but it also told me how much pain she must be in to respond to me so vindictively. If this is the kind of thing she says to me, what must she say to herself on a daily basis? I haven't responded yet, but I do plan to this week. I won't say anything about what she said, but I will apologize for what I said last week. Then it is up to her to respond.

My headache did not abate Friday morning, and I ended up leaving work early. I went home, got my things together for my weekend intensive, and went to Gordon's. I had a blistering headache and my mother had just been really nasty, and I needed some comforting. So I went to his place and we talked for about 2 hours, and then I napped for about 5 hours. I still felt like crap both emotionally and physically, but at least my headache was gone when I woke up.

The intensive was incredible. It was difficult, challenging, fun, not fun, and we all worked out a lot of emotional stuff that was holding us back. I definitely came to terms with a lot of stuff that I needed to face regarding my parents. I will never have the kind of relationship I would like to have with each of them - they are both so wounded, perhaps even broken in ways. They did the best they new how, but they aren't capable of being the kind of parents I want and need. So I want to grieve the loss of that desired relationship, and provide it to myself through a family that I create out here - Gordon is certainly part of it, as is Anne. Anne's father, too, and my friend Pele, but she's moving to Trinidad next month, so it will not be as easy to stay in touch. My friend Sandrine, too, who lives in Marseille - even though she's a million miles away we are VERY close and are in contact with each other several times a week. One of my uncles is definitely part of my chosen family, as is my grandmother.

I've gained a great deal of peace about things in the last few days, and learned a lot about myself and gained some perspective on my family. I do feel a bit sad about the situation right now, but I am coming to terms with a loss, too, so I am letting myself be sad if I want to. I am also taking exceptional care of myself for the forseeable future. I will eat well, sleep enough, take my supplements, and have as much fun as I can, preferably doing something fun every day. Last night I dragged Gordon to the beach at midnight! We had a great heart to heart talk, and then I RAN up the Santa Monica Pier. Just to run, just because it seemed like a good idea. And it WAS fun! Monday, Gordon and I both played hooky from work (I'd had NO sleep during the day yesterday, and wouldn't've been able to function last night anyway) and we went to lunch at California Pizza Kitchen (one of my favorite chain restaurants even if it IS difficult for an O to eat there) and I had a great salad and then we went to see "CatWoman"*. Tomorrow's fun is yet to be determined. I'm thinking I'll get a professional manicure (a rare, rare treat!)

* Not a GREAT movie, but GREAT eye candy and a very fun summer action flick. And Halle Berry ROCKS!