Archives for: August 2004, 14
I was just having a brisk walk on the treadmill trying to get some inspiration for a blogging topic. Unfortunately, I was also watching a movie at the same time. Bad combination. The movie took over.
I just spent two wonderful days in golf-land. There was a women’s tournament 30 miles north in Tacoma. It is one of the best tournaments in the area. I had a wonderful time meeting new friends and playing bad golf. Now, you have to understand that I AM a bad golfer. My handicap index barely qualified me for this event. I had no visions of winning any prize. I just went for a good time.
It took quite a few years to accept myself this way. When I first started playing, I practiced and practiced and took lots of lessons and played whenever I could, rain or shine, alone or with others. It didn’t matter. I just drove myself to get better. But, I would always come home dissatisfied with myself, because I just knew I could have done better. If only I hadn’t stroked the putter so hard on this hole. If only I hadn’t topped the ball on that fairway. All those and more self-deprecating kinds of thoughts. Then, last year, I couldn’t play because of my neck and shoulder problems. It was too painful. Now that those problems are under control, I feel so overjoyed to be even able to play the game. I do regular maintenance on my body to control the pain, and I try to make it a point not to play golf two days in a row. I definitely have some physical limitations because of the problem. I had to play two days in this tournament, and I am feeling the effects today. So I ‘m using lots of heat, no lifting and doing some neck traction.
But, anyway, I am trying to make a correlation here between obsession and acceptance with golf (or whatever your personal challenge is) and obsession and acceptance with the BTD.
When I first started the BTD I was very ridged. I carried my lists. I kept a precise journal (which is highly recommended for B-types). I think I might have been a bit obnoxious about “oh, I can’t eat THAT!” I planned my eating quite meticulously. And I felt extreme guilt when I ate avoids. I would spend the entire day after a splurge chastising myself and feeling what a horrid person I was.
Maybe because the diet is so automatic with me now, or that I have learned my limits, I feel at ease with myself and this way of life. I no longer feel deprived or “different” because there are some things I do not eat. I know that I am going to be faced with daily choices to eat avoids or not to eat them. I find I do not feel sad if I choose not to eat an avoid. And, on the other hand, I do not feel guilty anymore if I do choose to eat an avoid. I have the choice to feel well, or feel stuffy and bloated.
What I think I’m trying to say here, is that after 53 years, I think I’m finally figuring out how to accept myself as I am, and I’m no longer trying to be the ideal human being that I perceive to be lurking out there. I just go out and do the best I can every day. Is this a result of following the BTD and (most of) the lifestyle recommendations? I believe it is.