Archives for: August 2004, 03
It was intense, that's for sure. After I blogged early Friday morning, I got a really nasty letter from my mother, in which she called me all kinds of horrible things and then told me not to bother to respond to her. It was uncalled for on her part, but it also told me how much pain she must be in to respond to me so vindictively. If this is the kind of thing she says to me, what must she say to herself on a daily basis? I haven't responded yet, but I do plan to this week. I won't say anything about what she said, but I will apologize for what I said last week. Then it is up to her to respond.
My headache did not abate Friday morning, and I ended up leaving work early. I went home, got my things together for my weekend intensive, and went to Gordon's. I had a blistering headache and my mother had just been really nasty, and I needed some comforting. So I went to his place and we talked for about 2 hours, and then I napped for about 5 hours. I still felt like crap both emotionally and physically, but at least my headache was gone when I woke up.
The intensive was incredible. It was difficult, challenging, fun, not fun, and we all worked out a lot of emotional stuff that was holding us back. I definitely came to terms with a lot of stuff that I needed to face regarding my parents. I will never have the kind of relationship I would like to have with each of them - they are both so wounded, perhaps even broken in ways. They did the best they new how, but they aren't capable of being the kind of parents I want and need. So I want to grieve the loss of that desired relationship, and provide it to myself through a family that I create out here - Gordon is certainly part of it, as is Anne. Anne's father, too, and my friend Pele, but she's moving to Trinidad next month, so it will not be as easy to stay in touch. My friend Sandrine, too, who lives in Marseille - even though she's a million miles away we are VERY close and are in contact with each other several times a week. One of my uncles is definitely part of my chosen family, as is my grandmother.
I've gained a great deal of peace about things in the last few days, and learned a lot about myself and gained some perspective on my family. I do feel a bit sad about the situation right now, but I am coming to terms with a loss, too, so I am letting myself be sad if I want to. I am also taking exceptional care of myself for the forseeable future. I will eat well, sleep enough, take my supplements, and have as much fun as I can, preferably doing something fun every day. Last night I dragged Gordon to the beach at midnight! We had a great heart to heart talk, and then I RAN up the Santa Monica Pier. Just to run, just because it seemed like a good idea. And it WAS fun! Monday, Gordon and I both played hooky from work (I'd had NO sleep during the day yesterday, and wouldn't've been able to function last night anyway) and we went to lunch at California Pizza Kitchen (one of my favorite chain restaurants even if it IS difficult for an O to eat there) and I had a great salad and then we went to see "CatWoman"*. Tomorrow's fun is yet to be determined. I'm thinking I'll get a professional manicure (a rare, rare treat!)
* Not a GREAT movie, but GREAT eye candy and a very fun summer action flick. And Halle Berry ROCKS!