Archives for: July 2004
Well, I've turned in my resignation. I'm glad of it, but nervous, too. Monday morning I'll be going to some temp agencies near Gordon's place to let them know that I'm available. I know it is the right move for me, but it is also scary!
And I've been stressed about it since last night, and have had a headache since about 9pm last night. I even broke down and took some Tylenol a few minutes ago to try to get rid of it. If it were a dull headache or not a very bad one, I would ignore it. Unfortunately, it is a blistering one, though thankfully NOT a migraine (and I hope it doesn't turn into one).
I'm REALLY hungry tonight, too. Ate some pineapple and some salad at my break, but that was nearly 2 hours ago, and I'm hungry already, in spite of it being a LOT of pineapple and salad!
I'm sure some of this stress/headache has to do with the resignation issue, and some with my mom. I still haven't heard from her, and doubt that I will for months. It hurts to think that she might not come to our wedding, but that would be her choice. She WILL get an invitation, and I can't worry about whether or not she decides to come. She has done this to me a few times in the past - we argue, and her conflict resolution skills are so bad that she just goes away for a while, then pretends that nothing happened. Once I stopped talking to her, but every other time, she just decides that I'm such a horrible person (NOT!!) that she just doesn't want me in her life. The last time we didn't speak, it was about 9 months. After the last time, I decided that I would not stop talking with her and would try to work things out. Apparently she doesn't want to do that. I know that she is just reacting to whatever issues she has not resolved, but it still hurts, and I miss her. And I wish we could share the joy of this time of my life as I move towards my new life.
Foodwise, I've got some fabulous lamb chops that Gordon bought for me. I cooked them, and then he made a yummy wine sauce for them. I've already eaten the salad I had, but I do have lots of cherries to eat, too, which should get me through the night.
This weekend I'll be in an acting intensive weekend ALL weekend. Friday morning will be spent preparing for that, having my last session with my life coach, and then napping for a few hours. The intensive will be from 5-11 pm Friday, and then all day on Saturday and Sunday. And it will be INTENSE - it's all about breaking through the fears (or whatever) that are holding you back in your acting. Not an easy or fun weekend, but the last time I did this I had some major breakthroughs and worked through lots of stuff.
Today was a rough day, in many ways.
Emotionally, my mother and I are not getting along. Over the weekend, she googled Gordon's name, and left him a message looking for me. I thought that was a little weird, since I have a cell phone and that is the best way to reach me. It unnerved me. She doesn't understand the concept of boundaries, and thinks that I should tell her everything and anything she wants to know about my life. I don't think that is necessary or desirable, and told her that there was no good reason for her to need Gordon's address, especially since she found his phone number and just called him out of the blue. She got offended, doesn't understand, etc. So now she's not speaking to me, which doesn't resolve a thing. She's not good at conflict resolution, so she retreats until she's ready to come out of hiding, and then pretends that nothing ever happened. Pffftttt.
Physically, I went to the chiropractor's office for an adjustment, and my back wigged out while I was on the table and I was in too much pain to move, and she had to massage it and get me an ice pack and I was moving gingerly for hours afterwards. She also lectured me a bit about getting more exercise. "Bodies need to be active, and yours REALLY needs to be active to stay healthy." I know, I know. But I haven't been consistent about exercise lately, and my back let me know that I can never let up. Unfortunately, knowing it and DOING it are two different things. Stress also doesn't help my back, and the stuff with my mom is definitely stressful.
Then I went to my hairdresser's, and she's working out of her home now, and I thought we were going to cut and color it today, but apparently she just wanted to check the color swatch today and THEN schedule me for the cut and color. So we'll do that next Tuesday. Instead, we spent an hour and a half gabbing, her about her ex-boyfriend who was cheating on her with three - yes, THREE other women, and she found out and dumped him on the spot. She's giving up on dating - has been on a zillion more dates than me this year (how she does it I have NO clue!) and still hasn't met the right guy. She's had some pretty outrageous things happen to her, too, enough that she's written a book about it, and is hoping to get it published later this year or early next year. I've heard enough of her stories to know that it will be an entertaining book!
Then I went home, took a bath, and tried to sleep. My next door neighbor moved out over the weekend, and today they were pounding and cleaning carpets and who knows what else over there. It was around 4pm when I got to sleep.
I woke up about 20 minutes to 10 tonight, and tried to snooze a little more. Talked with Gordon for a bit, and got ready for work. I ate some eggs with onion, broccolli and feta cheese in them, and headed to work.
Spent a little over an hour with Aunt Jane Tuesday morning over herbal Passion tea at Starbucks - we chatted about our family and Gordon and life and her cats and numerous other things. It was a lovely morning, and we enjoyed our visit. I hope that we get to see her again on our trip to Texas next month. She said Gordon was a 'very nice man' and that he 'adores' me. Yes, he does. Almost as much as I adore him! We also commiserated over how odd my mother is - nosy, opinionated, meddling, etc.
I dropped Jane off, and then went to Gordon's and we talked for a while. He told me that he wants to do everything he can to help me succeed as an actor, and that I'll have a really tough time doing that if I am working full-time, and that if we can make things work with me working less and pursuing acting more, then that's what he wants me to do. I started crying, and am tearing up even as I write this. He is such a wonderful man, and I was so touched that he wants to support me in my acting not only emotionally but in every way he can. So our first project will be to get me an agent so I can start getting some more auditions.
After spending a little time with Gordon, I slept for 8 solid hours, and then we had dinner - chicken, salad, and kashi, and then I made lamb chops for lunch, with salad and cherries. Yum.
I was exhausted by the time I got home yesterday - made a couple of phone calls and was asleep by 9:30. And I slept 11 hours, until one of my cats decided it was time for me to get up and was headbutting me and bugging me to pet her.
Called Gordon, talked with Anne, Aunt Jane, my hairdresser, and left a message for Mike, then made some dinner, talked with Gordon some more, and got ready for work. Dinner was eggs and feta cheese. I was too lazy to throw some vegetables in it. Had no time to cook anything for lunch tonight, so I picked up some sushi from the grocery store on the way in to the office. I'm in training all night, too, so this is a quick blog while we take a break.
In other words, nothing exciting.
Tomorrow morning I'll speak with Jane about our plans, and then see her and sleep, but not necessarily in that order. And hopefully see Gordon, too!
My mother called me Saturday night and said that my aunt had been looking for me - Jane was in town and wanted to see me, but didn't have my number. So I called her and left a message on her cell phone, and we got in touch with each other Sunday. When we finally spoke, I asked where in LA she was, and she was literally 2-3 blocks from where Gordon lives. In all of LA county, what were the odds that she'd be in WALKING distance from us? It was pretty wild! So we got together for a quick visit Sunday evening, and had a nice time catching up on family stuff.
Jane is the first family member to meet Gordon, too, so that was nice. I'd told him a great deal about my family, but he thought I was exaggerating until he heard Jane say the same things! It was a good visit, and I was so thrilled to see her! I'm hoping to see her again before she heads home to New Mexico, and it is possible that we will see her again in a few weeks on our trip to Texas for me to see my grandmother and for Gordon to meet my family. It will depend on whether or not we decide to go see my mother in Missouri - if we do we may be able to take a route back to CA that puts us on the path back through northern NM, which would make it convenient to see Jane again.
The rest of the weekend was filled with errands and hanging out at home (well, Gordon's home). We met some friends of mine for dinner Saturday evening, and enjoyed spending time with them. So Gordon got to meet more of my friends, and they all liked each other.
Health-wise, I've been PMSing these last few days, and although I've been eating fairly well, it's tough to be 100% compliant when eating out as much as Gordon and I have been so far. We did cook at home tonight, and really ought to get in the habit of cooking most of the time and eating out only occasionally instead of the other way around. I'm feeling especially crabby tonight since I got virtually no sleep AND I'm PMSing. I can't wait to get home and get some sleep!
Tonight in acting class we explored grief, and how to get it to come to the surface. It was a challenging night, and the exercise we did brought most everyone to tears. It certainly did for me! We talked about the concept of loss, and what in your life would you be grief-stricken about if you lost it today. It could be a person, an animal, a home, a project you've worked long and hard on, etc.
I was nearly in tears throughout the whole class just from thinking about losing my grandmother or losing Gordon. I know that I'm going to lose Gramma, and probably within the next few months. She's 91, and I don't know what my life will be like without her in it. I don't look forward to it, but I also know I'll get through it.
As for losing Gordon, one of the questions my acting coach asked me was, "Could you go back to being 'I' instead of 'we'? Could I? .... Yes, but it would be a very lonely 'I', that's for certain! I told him what I experienced in class, and he said that he's not going anywhere, and that we're going to get married and have children and spend the rest of our lives together. I cried again, but they were different tears!
I've been eating very well, and have lost all but about a pound and a half of what I gained in NYC. Nothing like thinking about fitting into a wedding dress for motivation to eat healthfully! I raced home after class tonight and threw together some scrambled eggs with onion and feta cheese for lunch tonight, even though it would have been so, so easy to get lunch from Taco Bell tonight since I didn't really have time to cook. Not gonna do it! I haven't even eaten chocolate most of this week, and tonight I ate a piece of it in class and didn't even want it! (It was not the best quality chocolate, though, either....)
Probably won't blog over the weekend - lots going on!
I'm adjusting to being in this relationship now - getting used to the idea of spending my life with someone! This relationship has progressed so quickly, and Gordon is so marvelous, I just can't believe it. He tells me all the time how much he looks forward to spending our lives together, and we talk about kids and what we want out of life pretty much daily. I'm getting really sappy these days, too! Must be in love or something! ; ) So life is feeling more normal, but it is a NEW normal.
Aside from all that wonderful mushy stuff, things are going well in other areas, too. I am eating better, and taking care of myself, and feeling good in general. Spending lots of time with Gordon, and enjoying every minute of it.
I haven't seen Anne in a while, though, and need to! I miss her! I did have brunch with Mike yesterday, and he seems to be chilling out, though he is still a bit emotional about things. But we had a nice brunch, and caught up.
I am so exhausted. Gordon and I had dinner with his mother and sister last night, and it was the first time I'd met them, so I was nervous and stressed. I met his sister earlier in the day when we joined her and her friends for a dim sum brunch, and I really like her. And she seems to like me, which helps. I ate most of what was put in front of me at the brunch, though. Chicken buns, shrimp rolls, papered chicken, etc. I think there was an avoid in everything I ate. It was GOOD, but not something I'll do often.
Gordon said it wasn't important for them to like me, but they all seem close, and I think it matters more than he would like to admit.
I got only about 2 hours of sleep between brunch and dinner. We went over to his mother's about 5pm, and I took a bouquet of sunflowers with some purple stuff mixed in. She'd told us not to bring anything, but I couldn't arrive empty-handed, so flowers seemed like the best option.
We spent an hour or so on the patio, eating veggies, corn chips and guacamole. And yes, I ate it all. His mom put the salmon on the grill, and once it cooked we all moved inside for dinner. Along with the salmon, we had rice and salad, and it was all good. She'd really made an effort to accomodate my dietary restrictions, which I appreciated. And dessert was mixed berries with homemade fudge sauce. The sauce was dairy-free, but did have corn syrup in it. She tried, though, and that was more important to me than actually succeeding in working around my restrictions. I ate the fudge sauce.
It went well, though, and Gordon told me that I did great, and that I was 'in' with them. He had said it wasn't important for them to like me, but they all seem close, and I think it matters more than he would like to admit. So far, I seem to have passed inspection.
Better yet, I really like them, too!
After dinner, I slept another hour or so, and did NOT want to get up for work tonight. I was supposed to have coffee this morning with a dear friend of mine, but I don't think I'm going to make it. I'm just too wiped out to stay up late today. I'll see if we can reschedule for Friday.
The rest of the weekend was relatively calm. Had dinner with Anne and the guy she's been seeing for a few months, and neither of us were impressed with him. She deserves so much better. This guy has done something every week that is a major red flag to me. Last week he didn't let Anne know if he wanted to join us until after 7pm, and while we weren't doing anything that required a schedule, we couldn't plan anything until we knew what he (and Anne) wanted to do.... This week, we managed to make it happen, but when we arrived at Anne's to pick them up, it turned out that he'd forgotten his wallet. Now, I understand that we all manage to do this kind of thing now and then, but my instinct says that it was more than just forgetting his wallet - that it was something passive-aggressive. And then during dinner he was very quiet, hardly contributed to the conversation at all, and was generally unimpressive.
Saturday I did very little. Got all my laundry done, did some reading, went to Starbucks for some chai tea latte, and then babysat from 6pm to 2am for a great family. The daughter is so cute! She took a bath, and while she was playing she told me that it was the greatest day of her life. I asked why, and she pointed at me and said, "Because you're here." Too cute! Her parents had gone out to hear a band play, so they didn't get home until 2am. By then I was exhausted, had watched more TV than I've watched in the last several weeks combined, and was VERY ready to go to sleep. It was three am by the time I got to sleep, and I had to get up by 8:30 to get ready for brunch.
I was sorry to see that Rachel will no longer be blogging, though I understand her reasons for stopping. I do hope we'll keep in touch, and that we'll be able to meet up at some point when I go to Texas.
In a philosophy class I took many years ago, I recall learning about Plato's Perfect Circle. The basic concept is that a true, perfect circle has never been seen, but we all have the concept of a circle in our minds that we can (always imperfectly) reproduce.
I was thinking about this with regards to several things in my life. Diet, for one. Dr. D'Adamo has presented the world with a tremendous amount of information that continues to be refined and added to, and gets closer and closer to the idea of the 'perfect' diet for each of us. We modify it to suit our tastes, sensitivities, lifestyles, etc., and try to model our diets after this 'perfect' model. We'll never achieve the perfect diet, just as we'll never produce a perfect circle. And I'm okay with that! As long as I continue to strive for that 'perfect diet', I'll be in good health.
I was thinking about the perfect circle concept with regards to relationships, too. The difference with this, though, is that each of our concepts of the 'perfect' relationship is different, whereas everyone's concept of a circle is the same and has the same form. My concept of the perfect relationship for me would be vastly different than my father's idea of the perfect relationship for me, and particularly different than his concept of the perfect relationship for himself. Same for my mother. Same for anyone else in my life, including Gordon. I think it is fascinating that we all have different emotional, intellectual, and physical needs, and this shapes our concepts of what would be the perfect relationship for us.
This came into stark perspective tonight when I talked to my father and told him about Gordon. I described Gordon's personality a bit, and Dad asked several questions - career, height, hair color, what kind of car he drives, etc. His reaction to my telling him how overjoyed I was to have found this man and have him in my life was nothing but judgmental and negative, so clearly HIS idea of the perfect relationship for me and MY idea of the perfect relationship for me are very different. Dad was looking at the stuff that doesn't matter one whit to me, and I told him so. The conversation disappointed me, and I probably won't tell Dad much more about Gordon until they meet and can decide for themselves what they think of each other.
And it looks like they will meet next month. During my conversation with Dad, he said that I should probably look to visit Gramma in the next few months, and that he didn't think she'd make it to Christmastime. When I told Gordon that, he said, "Then let's plan a trip." So we did, and we'll hit the road in mid-August to make the journey to Texas. (Our first road trip!)
Should be a busy weekend for me. Tomorrow I will drop my film off at the drugstore, head to the chiropractor, and then nap for a few hours. Meet with my life coach at 5pm, and then Gordon and I will go out to dinner and a movie, perhaps with Anne and the guy she's been seeing.
Saturday will be a laundry/clean apartment day, and then babysit for a darling girl Saturday evening. Gordon's got plans most of the day, so I'll be on my own. Sunday we plan on going out for a dim sum brunch (where I'll be eating avoids, I'm sure, but I'll try to be fairly good). Nap Sunday afternoon, and then Sunday evening Gordon and I will have dinner with his mother and sister at his mother's home. I'm excited to meet them, but nervous, too. I keep telling myself that we all have Gordon's best interests at heart, and that it will be fine. But I'm still nervous!
I got home yesterday and was asleep by 10:30 am, and slept fitfully most of the day. Didn't get enough sleep. Woke up around 4:30 or so, and Gordon came over and brought me more roses. They are gorgeous! I brought one to work with me, and it smells divine.
We went out to dinner at the sushi place we went to for our third date, and ended up sitting at the same table. The sushi was just as good as the last time, and we both enjoyed the food, but I was tired and Gordon had a headache, so it wasn't an exciting evening. We were back at my place by 9pm, and we both fell asleep. Fortunately, I had set an alarm so I could get to work on time, and it went off at 11:15. I grabbed some salad stuff for lunch with some chicken sausage for protein, a banana, cherries, and some pumpkin seeds. Gordon walked me out and I went to Starbucks to get a soy chai tea latte. I'm weaning myself off them, but tonight was definitely a good night to have one!
I seem to have pulled a muscle (or several) in my leg. Slipped on some carpeted stairs the other night, and didn't think much of it at the time, but when I woke up yesterday my leg was hurting. Now it is quite painful, and going up and down stairs and sitting down and standing up are painful. I forgot to take some bromelain before leaving the apartment tonight, but will take some before I go to bed in the morning. Did take a bath this morning to soak my sore muscles.
My sore throat is mostly gone now, which is good. I'm still eating as many bennies as I can, and taking it easy since I'm still tired.
Have had a scratchy throat for a couple days now, and today it is officially sore. So I went to the store this morning to stock up on broth and juices and beneficials so that I can feed my body well and heal more quickly.
Ran into Mike as I was heading to the store - he and I talked some more about my new relationship. He was none too happy about it, and got emotional again. Asked me a bunch more questions about how things with BF got started, when I signed up for eharmony, etc. He told me that I was special, and 'real' (as opposed to the fake LA-types one often finds out here). I wish I'd know what his feelings really were a long time ago. I would have nipped that in the bud, and perhaps not spent time with him or limited my time with him. And I would have made *sure* that it was clear that I did not want a relationship with him no matter what. I feel bad for him, but I also know that I'm following the path I'm meant to follow, and that Mike and I would NEVER work out in a million years.
After that, I went to Trader Joe's and got pineapple juice, bananas, raspberries, cherries, lamb, spinach, peaches, dates, etc. All good stuff. Got home and put it all away, and then showered and got to bed around 12:30 this afternoon. Didn't sleep very well, though. My throat and the heat kept waking me up, and the cats didn't settle in around me like they usually do. In short, we were all restless. It was 104 degrees outside, and though it was cool and dark inside, we just couldn't sleep. I finally got up about 10:30 pm and called BF and left a message, called Anne and told her I'd just woken up, and started getting ready for work.
BF told me that I'm more than welcome to use his real name on my blog, and talk about him as much as I want. So his real name is Gordon, and I think he just wants to hear that I love him through another means of communication! ; ) Love you, Gordon! (Nothing like the modern day equivalent of shouting it from the rooftops, eh?)
I've been working hard at cleaning up my diet since my vacation, and I've lost three of the eight pounds I put on during my trip. It's a start, and at least I'm almost back to what I consider close to my normal weight. Drank a cherry juice/banana/protein powder smoothie after I got to work, and then had some incredible long-stem raspberries during my break. Yum. And I've got lamb chop and green beans for lunch, and some leftover omelet from brunch the other day (brie cheese, mushrooms, and chicken) for another 'meal' if I'm hungry at my second break. And I've also got lemon and honey to mix with hot water or tea for my throat.
Tomorrow I hope to go to the chiropractor in the morning, sleep during the day, and spend the evening with Gordon before coming to work. Can't wait to see him! (How could I NOT have fallen for a man who kissed me on a streetcorner in the POURING rain and danced with me in the Guggenheim Museum in NYC?)
Went out with BF tonight to a dinner to toast (and roast) a friend who is leaving for law school. It was held at the Friar's Club in Beverly Hills, and there were quite a number of us at the table. We were having a great time, howling with laughter and enjoying the evening, when an old man came towards the table and interrupted us, saying that he would have loved to get laughs like that. It was Red Buttons. I about fell off my chair.
And at the table with him was Sid Caesar and Jan Murray. I was in awe. Jan and Red came over to the table and talked with us and got pictures with us and we all had a wonderful time. I kissed Red Buttons on the cheek and BF and I had our picture taken with him. It was VERY cool. And he said he liked my hair! (How could he not, since it's red!)
BF told me that he told his mother that he's met the woman he's going to marry. I still can't believe this is happening - it's all so fast! So his mom invited us over to have dinner with her and BF's sister this Sunday evening. Aack! No pressure! BF said that they will love me. I hope so!
I have been slowly returning to my usual diet, and am still recovering from my vacation. The hardest part is getting back to my weird hours. I had planned to turn in my resignation this week or next, but since I heard that a shift with slightly better hours may come available, I think I'll stick around a while and see how it goes. If I can stay here and work a better shift, that would be great. If not, I'm going to find something else.
Tonight I had salmon, saffron rice, salad, and green beans, and it was yummy. And I've got leftovers for lunch, and lamb and veggies for another meal at some point either while I'm here or for once I get off work. I'm getting there.
I kissed Red Buttons on the cheek!
... or, how to gain eight pounds in nine days!
I had a fantastic vacation in New York City and environs. The travel part was not very good, as I had five flights total, and ended up missing one, having one cancelled, and another delayed. Blah. And the cancelled one meant that I got home a day later than originally planned, but it all worked out fine.
I spent the first day of my vacation travelling to and from Stamford, CT from NYC to see Dr. D'Adamo and to find out what else I could do to resolve my digestive issues and reactions to foods. As we all know, he's brilliant and figured out my problem lickety split. So now I've got some supplements that should help take care of the problems. It was delightful to see Dr. D. again, too - he was out here last year for a book signing for ER4YBaby.
Stamford seems like a lovely town - after my appointment I walked down the street to a Asian restaurant and had sushi for lunch. Yum. Then I walked back towards Dr. D's clinic, and thought about calling a cab, but decided to walk back to the train station (a couple miles). It was a beautiful day, and I meandered back to the station while glancing in shop windows and enjoying being on the east coast with all the greenery and different architecture than is out here in CA.
I can't begin to explain how much fun I had in the city - went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, walked for hours and then went to the top of the Empire State Building, went to Rockefeller Center, saw the Macy's Fireworks display on the East River, saw "Movin' Out" with my friend Suzanne, went out to dinner at a very chi-chi place with Suzanne and her BF, etc. BF joined me for two days and we went to see "Avenue Q" and spent two lovely and romantic days in the city. I am still incredulous at how quickly things have changed in my life - 6 weeks ago I wondered if I'd ever make it past three dates with someone again, and now I think I've met the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with! (And he's thinking the same about me!) : ) He and I went to Ground Zero together, and I got very emotional, but it was cathartic, too.
I ate pretty much everything in sight the entire week - wheat, dairy, you name it, I ate it. Also drank more alcohol during the week and I've probably had in the last year combined. But I knew that I'd be getting back home and getting stricter with my diet again since I saw Dr. D, and it WAS vacation, so I didn't worry about it while I was travelling. I even ate PIZZA (it was disgusting, too, and not worth it.) Even so, I was probably at least 50% compliant. And now that I'm back, I'm cleaning up my diet so that I can resolve these digestive issues I've been dealing with forever.
I walked 3-5 miles a day pretty much every day I was travelling, and loved every minute of it. Got several blisters, though, and ended up buying a new pair of shoes on my second day of vacation so that I could walk without chafing anything else. So even though I gained eight pounds, my pants still fit fine, and I think I even gained a bit of muscle along with the fat that I put on. I've already lost a couple pounds just from starting to get back to my usual routines, but I'm not quite there yet.
Since I got back, I've spent lots of time with BF, and the more time I spend with him the more time I want to spend with him. We tested him to find out his blood type - he's an A+. And he LOVES red meat. He wants to lose weight, though, and has borrowed my ER4YT and is slowly incorporating changes into his diet. He's lost 4 pounds in the last week!
Spent about 90 minutes with Anne Sunday - she had a date to prepare for, and I had to take a nap before coming to work tonight, so we didn't have much time together. But we swam and chatted and partially caught up on the events of the last couple weeks. I missed her!
I sent Mike a postcard while I was in NYC. He sent me a couple emails while I was gone asking me to join him for a show that he was an extra on, but then he couldn't make it. I offered up this Wednesday as an alternative time to watch the tape, but haven't heard from him. I stopped in to chat with the apartment manager on Saturday, though, and as we were talking we heard something, turned, and didn't see anything, and then I saw him through the window. Apparently he'd stopped in and seen me and left. We'll see how this goes. I miss my friend.
So now I'm back at work, and not thrilled. It was a wonderful 13 days off, and I didn't realize just how hard the night shift thing was until I got back to a day schedule for more than a weekend. I need a new job ASAP. I'm working on that. Glad to be back home, though!