Archives for: June 2004
Just a quick blog tonight.
I'm leaving for New York City in the morning for a week of vacation AND an appointment with Dr. D'Adamo. I hope to get some insight on what else I can do to calm my immune system and get rid of some of these food allergies. Probably won't be blogging until I get back.
Right now, I'm exhausted. I slept about three and a half hours today. Tried to sleep more, but couldn't get back to sleep, and then Mike wanted to talk some more about our conversation yesterday. He was not as gracious today, and was more upset. He seemed.... crushed, for lack of a better word.
I'm befuddled by all this - we'd flirted with the idea of a relationship months ago, and I nipped that in the bud because I knew it would never work - he drives me nuts sometimes! I thought we were doing great just as friends, but he did not take the news of my having a BF well at all. Apparently all this time he'd been hiding how he really felt about me. I also think it took having 'lost' me to another (not that I was his to lose) for him to realize how he really felt. He said he thought we had more time together to see what would develop.
He also asked if there was anything he could do to change this. I started tearing up at that, because I know that there isn't a thing he could ever do. I care about him as a friend, but not romantically. I knew that my response would hurt him, and I apologized before saying that there was nothing he could do to change it. It could never work, and BF or no BF, I know that with every fiber of my being.
I did the right thing for both of us in the long run, and I did it with as much integrity and grace as I could muster, but I may have lost a friend in the process, too, and that hurts. The weird thing is, he knew I was dating all along - I told him months ago that I was looking for a long-term relationship, and he made it crystal clear that he DIDN'T want one. So he got what he asked for, as did I.
Doesn't make it hurt less. I miss my friend.
I've never been good at difficult conversations. In the past I've avoided them altogether if possible, and even been known to write a letter instead of speaking the words that needed to be said. I am much better now at stating what I need, or breaking news to someone, but it is still a challenge for me.
Sunday I had to have one of those conversations. I knew it was coming, and had no clue what I was going to say. I tend to do better 'on the fly' with just having a general idea of what needs to be said and tailoring it during the conversation rather than having a whole 'speech' prepared ahead of time.
I had brunch with Mike, and we ordered our meals (scrambled eggs with smoked salmon, scallions, and feta cheese), and we were talking about our Saturdays. I told him I'd been to 'The Grove', which is a mall here in LA that I'd never been to. I've been in LA for over three years and had never been there, which tells you how much of a shopper I am. It's a beautiful mall, and I described it to Mike - the mosaic floor, the chandelier, etc. He said, 'Sounds like a nice date.' I said that it was a nice date, and then he said that I looked like I wanted to talk about it. He gave me the perfect opening. So I told him that I seem to have found myself a boyfriend, and we talked about it.
I had long suspected that his feelings for me were stronger than he'd ever admitted, even though we only briefly flirted with the idea of having a relationship. He'd made it clear that he only wanted a 'friends with benefits' arrangement, I'd made it clear that I wanted more than that. His neuroses and other oddness made me realize it never would have worked anyway. We talked months ago about just being friends, and have proceeded along that path quite nicely. Nonetheless, I still felt that he wanted more. Brunch proved that more than I ever thought possible.
He admitted to me that he'd thought about the long-term with us, and that my new relationship would disappoint some friends of his on the east coast who were rooting for us to end up together. WHAT?!?! I'd had NO idea he'd even considered that a remote possibility - *I* certainly hadn't! He was stunned that this relationship had developed so quickly, and I told him that both BF and I knew within minutes of meeting each other that this was different. By this time my emotions were welling up, and I couldn't eat anything else.
I asked Mike if there was anything (anything!) he'd like to know, and he peppered me with questions, from how did this come about so quickly (BF and I met only three weeks ago, and communicated via eharmony for a few weeks before that), to have you been intimate with him yet (Mike, it's only been three weeks!). I told him that when BF and I met, within minutes I felt as though I was 'home', that it just felt RIGHT. I was holding back tears as I said this, but I was going to be honest with him. I told him that it frightened me to admit it, and was especialy frightening to admit to him more than anyone, but that I can see myself marrying this man, and that it's unlike any relationship I've ever had (and developing more quickly emotionally, too!).
Mike even asked me if there had ever been a time that I might have considered the long-term with him. It had fleetingly crossed my mind when we first met, but his insistence that he does NOT want children killed that. I am not 100% sure that I want to have kids, but I know that I don't want that decision made FOR me, either. I always figured that would be something my (hypothetical) husband and I would discuss. He asked me what BF is like, and I stopped after several superlatives. He and I both laughed when I told him that BF is an attorney and is also Jewish (Mike is both an attorney and Jewish, too). I think they would like each other, and I'm sure they'll meet eventually, though I know better than to arrange that anytime soon.
We both were getting teary-eyed, him because he was hurt, me because I knew I was hurting him. I told him that we could still hang out and do stuff together and that I still wanted to spend time with him. He said that he figured he'd never see me on the weekends anymore, and I told him that the BF often works in the theater on the weekends, and that I wouldn't necessarily always be booked.
We'll see how it goes. I know I did the right thing by telling him about the BF, but I know that he's hurting, too. He gave me a great big hug as we parted, and then he ducked into his apartment. I walked back to my apartment and left a message with Anne. I really wanted to talk with her - she's been a witness to all my dates this year, to my friendship with Mike, to this budding relationship with the BF. I really wanted a hug from her. She wasn't there. I left her a message on both her home and cell. Then I called the BF. He knows about Mike, and knows that I suspected that there was more affection there than he'd admitted. I told him that I know that I did the right thing, but that I felt badly for Mike - and BF responded with compassion, and said that sometimes doing the right thing hurts.
Other than that, I had a terrific weekend. Spend Friday evening with BF, and we went to dinner and a movie with some friends of his from law school. There were probably 10 of us there, and the first guy I met told me that the test was coming - could I remember everyone's names? I was introduced to everyone once, and told this guy that I knew their names. "Ah, but the real test is later, after the movie." So after the movie, he said that it was time to test me, and I went around the entire group, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam and named every single person. Got to BF and paused for a moment as though I'd forgotten HIS name, and that got a laugh. They were duly impressed, as several had already forgotten my name - and I was the only 'new' person there!
Saturday BF picked me up about 10:30, and we went to look at iPODs and laptops at a local electronics store. Then we went to the theatre to see the musical "Thoroughly Modern Millie" - it was a lighthearted, charming musical, and I loved it. After the show, we went to The Grove and walked around for a while, grabbed some dinner, and BF bought his iPOD. He was so sweet told me that he was conflicted because if he bought the iPOD he would have to be 'less extravagant' on our dates for the next few weeks. As if I need 'extravagant' dates! I don't care if we go for a walk and cook at home as long as I get to spend time with him, so I told him to go get his iPOD. He was practically giddy about it when I talked with him today - he'd already downloaded over 1500 songs onto it, and was putting more on it when we spoke.
After brunch today, Anne and I spent a couple hours together until she had to leave for a date, and then I tried to find a pair of shoes to go with a dress for the theater in NY next week. Couldn't find the shoes, and there is ONE pair in my size in the entire country. That won't help me much, at least not before next weekend! So I'm still looking for something else that will work.
Even though I didn't eat much at brunch, I wasn't hungry all day. I drank seltzer all afternoon, and came home from shoe hunting and partly packed my bag for NY, and then laid down for a nap before coming to work tonight. Three hours later, I got up, dressed for work, ate a couple of pieces of rye toast (leftovers from brunch) and headed in to the office.
Tomorrow will be a whirlwind day - run errands, do laundry, sleep fast, spend the evening with BF and best friend, finish packing, and work tomorrow night. Tuesday morning I leave at 11am, and arrive on Long Island at 11:30 pm. Long day. And I will have to sleep a bit on the planes or I'll never make it through the day.
Woke up today feeling completely dragged out. I started to get ready for acting class, ate some toast with almond butter and then I felt like I was going to throw up. The nausea lasted for about 3 hours, and never got really bad, but was bad enough for me to be affected by smells and want only to drink some Gerolsteiner all evening. I was bummed that I didn't make it to class, though.
Anne came over around 8pm to see how I was feeling and to chat. We've both been so busy lately that we feel like we hardly have time for each other anymore, so even though I didn't feel well, we both welcomed the opportunity to talk. She's been going through some stuff with her relationship (I won't call him a BF only because she doesn't call him that) and wanted to talk, and she also wanted to hear more about my new BF and how my date was last night. (It was terrific, btw!) We talked until about 10:30, and then I had to get ready for work. Washed my hair, and was shaking like a leaf by the time I was done, so I figured it was time to see if I could eat some protein. I had leftover chicken and potatoes (yes, regular, white potatoes) from dinner last night, so I heated some of that up and ate it. Was still very shaky for another 30 minutes or so, but then I was fine. Fortunately, the nausea didn't come back, either, but I am still wiped out.
Mike called me tonight, and we're going to have brunch on Sunday. Even though we're just friends, he didn't take the news that I was 'dating' tremendously well the other week, and I don't think he'll take the news that I officially have a BF very well, either. So this oughta be interesting. I hope that he chooses to remain my friend, because he is important to me, and I enjoy having him in my life. We'll see what happens Sunday!
Tomorrow, I'm going to nap for about 4 hours, then will go meet up with BF at his house, and then we'll go to dinner with some friends of his, then to the movies. BF is an attorney, and these are all friends of his from law school. We're going to see "Fahrenheit 9/11", and I'm about the most apolitical animal on the planet. So seeing a politically charged movie with a bunch of lawyers will be interesting!
BF normally works in a theater on the weekends doing sound stuff, and this Saturday he is free, so we decided to spend the day together. The other day he surprised me with tickets to see "Thoroughly Modern Millie" Saturday afternoon. Too cool! And this will be our first 'daytime' date since our initial meeting (less than three weeks ago!).
Lunch this morning is more chicken and potatoes from dinner the other night, and cherries for snacks. I also have another pineapple/egg protein powder smoothie for later.
I'm heading to New York City next Tuesday, so I'm not buying groceries between now and then - will just have to make do with what I've got in the fridge (shrimp and artichokes and stuff, so I won't starve).
Met my friend SF this morning for Starbucks. I had a passion tea lemonade, and it was delicious, but too sweet - forgot to tell them not to sweeten it. I was there early, so I journalled for about 30 minutes before SF arrived. I met her years ago through her husband, who I met on a message board that I followed, and knew that they were both delightful, delightful people. There was a gathering of folks from that board in LA before I moved here, and I came up from San Diego to attend.
She and her husband were both substantially overweight at the time, and within less than two years (about four years ago) her husband dropped dead of a heart attack while walking to his car in the parking lot at work. He was only 38. SF, the amazing woman that she is, handled the sudden and tremendous loss with more grace and strength than I could ever hope to have in ANY situation. I sent her an email expressing my condolences, and it was really out of that volley of messages that our friendship began.
Fast forward to today. SF has changed her life in so many ways. She went vegetarian (she's an A, but doesn't really follow the BTD), exercises daily, and quit her job last year to work on her novel. And in the last year and a half or so we've gotten pretty close. She's lost almost all the extra weight, and even if she doesn't lose anymore, she looks and feels great.
Tuesday morning we got together at our usual Starbucks (same bat time, same bat channel) and gabbed for about 2 hours. I never get tired of spending time with her, and we always have great conversations.
After we parted, I headed for Nordstom's to return two pairs of shoes. Ordered the same pair in another size, tried on a bunch of shoes that didn't work, and headed home for bed (finally). Got home, showered, and was out cold around 3pm.
Got up, did some yoga (which I haven't done much of in weeks, and want to do daily), talked with Anne and then the BF, and dashed to work with a pineapple juice, banana, egg protein powder smoothie in hand for breakfast.
I've got my leftover lamb, artichoke, rice concoction for lunch, and cherries for snacks.
Tomorrow night I'll be going out for dinner with the new BF, and I can't wait to see him! (I'm totaly twitterpated!)
I didn't make it to date two with the other fellow from eharmony. Things with 'Red' are just going too well, and I don't want to mess this up. He's a phenomenal man, and I think I'm more than just twitterpated. We saw each other three nights in a row over the weekend, and he and Anne met Saturday night and liked each other.
He told me tonight that he was nervous about meeting Anne. Good! Meeting my best friend and having her like him IS important. Her opinion counts for a lot, and that she likes him is definitely a good thing.
He told me tonight that he referred to me as his girlfriend to a client today. I've been letting my brain consider that possibility, but hadn't voiced it yet. Told that to Anne, and she said that she'd already been referring to him as my boyfriend. Aack. This is scary, but good! It's wonderful, actually, but it's all happening so fast....
BTD-wise, things are going well. The new BF (okay, I'll call him my BF!) cooked me dinner Sunday night, and I was a little leery as to what he would cook for me. He knows a little bit about what I eat/don't eat, but it was only two weeks before that we'd met, and I wasn't sure WHAT he might serve me. This man pays attention. : ) He grilled some lamb chops and served them with rice and salad. I was (and continue to be) impressed. What's more, it was delicious.
I had brought my lunch with me so that I could leave his place and head straight for work, and at 4:30 Monday morning when I pulled my lunch out of the fridge at the office to heat up my ground lamb/artichoke hearts/rice combo I found a greeting card that he'd tucked into my lunch bag. Sneaky, romantic little devil!!
I got up about 7:15 tonight, and had a pineapple juice/banana/egg protein powder smoothie. Watched a little TV, talked with Anne and BF, and got ready for work.
I know I'm twitterpated - I got on the scale and have lost a couple pounds in the last week or so, and I'm not even trying.
Tuesday will be a good day, but I won't get to bed until late. I'm meeting my friend SF for brunch/lunch something and have a couple errands to run before I get to sleep. So it will be a busy morning/early afternoon.
The new man brought me a dozen red roses tonight - I was stunned and thrilled! They are beautiful, and he (I'll call him Red bc of the roses) seems as twitterpated about me as I am about him. We went out for sushi and had a great dinner, then went to Starbucks to hang out and talk for a while, and then I had to get home to prepare my lamb chops for lunch tonight, and he stuck around while I did that. He left as I was heading to work. Lovely, lovely evening. And we've made it past date three, and date 4 is already scheduled! Woo hoo! I've broken my three date record for the year! We have other activities already planned for later in the month, too.
Got a message from another eharmony guy tonight, too, the one I met last Saturday. I will probably go out with him again and decide from there if I will continue to see him or not, or just see Red. Somehow I think I already know what my decision will be, but I want to at least see what one more date with guy #2 will bring.
Lunch for tonight is two small lamb chops, a salad, and cherries for a snack. Ate a banana for another snack already, and got instant heartburn, which means that I'm acidic already - when I'm more balanced they don't give me heartburn.
No news on the family stuff, which is a relief in a way.
I'm doing my best to continue to eat right and get at least some exercise - the family stuff is just wearing me out, and I'm not doing much other than deal with that and work and sleep.
I do have a date tomorrow night that I am very much looking forward to, but I'm generally trying to keep life as quiet as possible right now - there's just too much family stuff to deal with. But I need to get out and have SOME fun to try to balance out the family events these days. This is another guy from eharmony, and I KNOW he's going to hang around longer than three dates.... We've already got stuff planned for the end of the month! He's terrific, and VERY, VERY kind and sweet.
Anne and Mike and the new man all called tonight, and I didn't even have time to cook, so I brought cherries and bananas and instant oatmeal for snacks and lunch. Not much protein, but it's better than any of the vending machine or Taco Bell options.
I may not blog as much in the next few weeks until some of this stuff settles down. I'm fine, but all I really have to report on is the family stuff right now, and I don't want to deal with it one more second than required.
As of last Friday afternoon, I'm not going to Texas, at least not anytime soon. Apparently my grandmother, threw a huge fit about moving, threatened to call the police on my father if he or anyone else tried to move her out of the house, threatened to find all the pills in the house and take them rather than move, etc. In other words, Gramma is DESPERATE to stay in the house, and is pulling out all the stops to try to force the family to leave her where she is. She loves to be a drama queen, too, and has been doing that consistently for the last week or more.
I spoke with one of my uncles Friday, and told him that I would talk with her and see if I could get anywhere. I was too drained on Friday to even attempt to talk with her, and needed to think a little more about what I might say, so Friday I ran a couple errands, napped, and went out on a fabulous date with a VERY cool guy (another eharmony match, this was our second date). This one may actually break the three date record for this year. We went to dinner at Benihana and then went to the movies and saw "Raising Helen", which was very touching and had some great comedic elements, too. We both really enjoyed it.
Saturday morning I woke up at 8:30 when Anne called me asking me to bring her a soy hot chocolate from Starbucks. Sure. When I am ready to face the world, I'll do that. Then my uncle called me asking if I'd spoken with Gramma yet. Nope, but I can do it now, I'll call you back later. Called Gramma, got a completely different story from her 'they can come take me away now, they won't have to handcuff me or anything, I'll go willingly'. As if ANYONE would handcuff a 91 year old woman to move her into an assisted living facility. Puleeze. So she was totally being the drama queen even with me, and was playing into the martyr role. She seemed to think that my 3 uncles and my dad had put me up to calling to try to convince her to move. They hadn't, but I told her that at least a half a dozen times and it never sank in, nor did she remember telling me any number of things. We spoke for over an hour and a half, and I suspect that without the repetitions, our conversation might have lasted 15 minutes, total. This woman should NOT be living alone, but insists that she is FINE. Claims she can still sweep the porch, run the vacuum, cook, etc. At 36 years old, and 55 years younger than she is, even *I* have trouble maneuvering the vacuum sometimes, and she can barely walk, so there is NO WAY she is running the vacuum.
The net effect of all this is that the boys (as my uncles and dad are referred to) are all thoroughly hacked off at Gramma, she's thoroughly hacked off with them, and I am about the only person speaking to all parties involved. We were supposed to have put down the deposit on the place she would have been moved to by last Friday, so now the room will go to someone else, and the boys will have to try to find someplace that is as nice, as close to my dad, as reasonably priced, etc, and then convince Gramma to move, to boot. So I'm not going to Texas until she gets moved and we need to clean out the house.
And I am just drained. Whooped. And yesterday after my conversations with my uncles, then Gramma, then Dad, I went and got Anne's Starbucks, got one for myself, and ate a slice of lemon cake AND a mint chocolate cookie from Starbucks. Slight kneejerk reaction to stress, I think! Then a couple hours later I was shaking like a leaf from too much sugar and not enough protein, and about the best and fastest option at the mall I was at was a hot dog on a stick. (And yes, there was some shopping therapy involved, too.)
Met my date at yet another Starbucks (and drank water!) and we sat and talked for two hours. Very nice man, has a black belt in Ken Po (I think that's how it's written) and is bright, articulate, and intriguing. So we'll see. (But right now the guy from Friday night is WAY ahead of the game - I'm REALLY comfortable around him already.)
After my date, I dashed home to pick up Mike to go see the third "Harry Potter" movie. Once we got to the theaters I realized that I needed protein (again) and there was little around that was decent, that we had time for, AND that I could sneak into the theaters. I bought what turned out to be a rather unsatisfying turkey wrap and ate it during the previews. All in all, a day of what amounted to probably the worst food choices I've made in a single day in YEARS.
Today at least started off with good food. I woke up at 6am and dragged myself out of bed around 8. I made some eggs with spinach, feta cheese, and red onion, plus two pieces of spelt toast. Yum. And mango lemonade. Very yummy. Showered, and realized I was tired again, so went back to bed, and slept another two hours. My uncle called me and woke me up to ask me if I'd spoken with Gramma, so I recapped the situation with him. Couldn't get back to sleep, so ran some errands (more shopping therapy) and purchased the ingredients to prepare dinner to celebrate Anne's birthday.
I cooked for about 2 hours to make this pasta dish (rice pasta with salmon and shrimp and garlic and lemon juice, etc.) Anne was about 40 minutes late, and the pasta was mushy, the salmon was dry, and if she'd griped even for an instant she would have gotten an earful. But it was still really good, and she seemed to enjoy it all, which was really the point anyway. I gave her a pair of earrings that she'd pointed out to me a couple weeks ago, and also the soundtrack to "Mamma Mia", which she'd taken me to for my birthday last month. We spent a few hours catching up on the events of this week, which mostly involved me talking about the events of the week with my family, and telling her about my dates. And I heard about her week at work, her mother, and nothing about the guy she's been dating because she didn't want to talk about it (something is clearly wrong, but she didn't want to go there yet).
Didn't get another nap in before coming to work, so I am already fighting to stay awake.
STILL nothing from the Ops Manager. Grr!
Got home this morning and puttered for a little while, and showered and was in bed by 11am. Not quite enough sleep since I had to get up at 6 to be in class by 7pm tonight, but better than some days!
Had chocolate soy milk with egg protein powder in it for breakfast, and then some soy yogurt with almonds, pumpkin seeds, blueberries and cherries in it for a little bit of a snack during class. I've got more of that for snacks tonight at work.
Class was great tonight - did a cold read of a scene from "The Hours" with a brand new student in the class. It went pretty well, but I could tell that my scene partner was really nervous. Then I did my monologue again, and had come a long way on it since last week. I'll do it again next week, and again and again and again until I think it's ready to present to an agent.
Dashed home after class and spoke with the new man (every week a new man!) who I had brunch with last weekend. He's delightful - intelligent, charming, funny as can be! Thinks his blood type is A-, but he can't remember. We're going out again tomorrow night. We'll see if this one makes it past my average of two dates!
Still working on leftover ground lamb with asparagus and artichoke hearts for lunch tonight. This should be the last of it.
This weekend will be busy, what with preparing for my trip to Texas and everything. I'm hoping to defrost my refrigerator when I leave, so I need to use up the food I have in the freezer before I go. I'll take some of the food with me in a cooler - juices and snack stuff for the road.
Saturday I have a Starbucks date with another man from eharmony - this will be a first date, so we'll see how it goes. Saturday evening I'll probably go to the movies with Mike, and then Sunday is laundry day and trip preparation day. I'll need to do most of my packing and organizing then since I have to sleep and Monday evening I'll be celebrating Anne's birthday with her and her family, Tuesday is acting class, and Wednesday evening I'll probably be frantically pulling last minute things together to get ready to leave.
I still haven't heard one word from the Ops Manager. Grr!!
This morning after work I ran a few errands - had to go to the PO to pick up a package and mail another one, then to Target to get cat litter so Anne can take care of the cats once I leave next week, and a few other things. Then to Ann Taylor Loft to return a couple pairs of shorts. Then home and to bed.
Got to sleep around noon, and got up about 8:30 tonight. Made a couple phone calls, and then got ready for work. Nothing exciting! Made two eggs with half a tomato, spinach, feta cheese and sautéed red onion along with some herbes de provence, and two pieces of spelt toast. Yum.
Pulled my suitcase out of the closet and tossed a few things in it that I know I'll need for my trip. I'll make a list in the next couple of days of just what I need to take with me to TX.
Brought leftover ground lamb with artichoke hearts and asparagus for lunch, and the last of the cherries for snacks.
I haven't heard back from the Ops Manager yet, which I find.... suspicious for some reason. So no clue if they'll 'allow' me to take the time off to go see my family.
Went to acting class tonight - it was a makeup class for a class I slept through a couple weeks ago, and it was great. We did a few improvs, and my coach got me up there with one guy in particular to 'give him a chance to do a dramatic improv'. We TOTALLY went to comedy, though, and it was hysterical. We had to project 'fire', which can mean anything, basically - passion, lust, anger, etc. Up to that point all the improvs had been anger-based, and we went to lust as two colleagues who were having an affair, and we were meeting in the janitor's closet for a little, uh, nookie.... At one point he said "what is that scent you're wearing?" and I responded, "I think it's the cleaning solution." The class cracked up. It was a really fun improv, and broke through some barriers for me about 'going there' and being fully committed to the work. Awesome.
We did a couple other improvs, too, which ended up being dramatic, and they were good, too, but not as much fun as the first one I did. Drama is more difficult for me sometimes - it's easier to crack a joke than to be willing to be vulnerable on stage.
We did some scene work, and I got to work with a new class member. I was instantly comfortable with him, and we enjoyed the scene we did. I got some great notes, and hope to be able to apply them to my work.
Spoke with my step-mother this morning, and asked how things went with Gramma Monday. Apparently there was lots of melodrama, with Gramma saying that she's not ready to leave all her things and the house, and that she's 'just going to die' rather than move. My step-mother's response was that if that's what she chooses to do, fine, otherwise she's moving next week. I laughed at that, because my grandmother, God love her, is so over the top in her reactions sometimes, and tries to manipulate people using her emotions. My step-mother made points with me for her response. Gramma also said that she's 'lived too long, why is she still alive' and my step-mother and dad said that maybe she's still alive so she can see my brother and sister-in-law's baby (due at the end of the year). She said that maybe that was true.... So lots of tears and melodrama with Gramma, but she's moving next week.
I'm still stressed, and my stomach still isn't 100%. I think I'm fighting some kind of bug, or the stress of this situation with my grandmother and the trip next week and my job is getting to my tummy. I know that I'm craving sugar right now in response to the stress, and I'm trying not to give in, at least not too much.
Had a soy chai tea latte for 'breakfast' during class tonight, and I have cherries for snacks and ground lamb with artichoke hearts and asparagus for lunch. I also had a rice krispie bar from Starbucks, and I had a MAJOR reaction to it - my ears and face were burning like crazy, and I was itchy all over for about 15 minutes, but no redness, nothing that SHOWED. I hadn't had one of those in months, and I won't be eating one again! There shouldn't have been any wheat in it, but there must have been corn syrup or something else - I think I would have been better off with a wheat-based choice, but at the time I thought I was making the best decision possible given the circumstances! I usually am better prepared on the nights I have class, but didn't have time to make anything before I headed out tonight....
I went home sick from work yesterday - was nauseous, achy, etc. Yuck. Got home and slept 13 hours. I guess I needed it. I feel okay tonight, but I am tired and a bit cranky. Didn't eat much because of the nausea, but when I woke up about 3pm, I was STARVING, which I took as a good sign. Ate a little bit of fruit (cherries, blueberries and banana) and yogurt, watched Oprah, and went back to bed. Woke up at 11pm and got ready for work.
I wasn't hungry when I got up, but by my 2am break was hungry again, and ate more fruit and yogurt and went for a short walk around the building.
I brought some shrimp and artichoke hearts for lunch, assuming that I'll be hungry.
I'm stressed because my grandmother is not doing very well, and we (the family) are moving her into an assisted living facility next week. And I have to be there to help clean out the house and get the things I want from the house, not to mention to spend time with my grandmother for what may very well be the last time. Sh'e 91, and in the last few weeks she has lost a great deal of her eyesight, and is declining pretty quickly. She doesn't need a nursing home yet, but she DOES need someone to cook for her and help her with things. We realized recently that she can't cook anymore and has been subsisting on peanut butter and crackers. Not good, even though the PB is good for her (she's an A-). So we're all going to TX next week to get rid of stuff from the house, and fix it up and put it on the market.
My dad went by the house yesterday to tell her that she was moving, and I have a feeling that she didn't take the news too well. She's been independent all this time, and only gave up driving last year (Thank God). She probably hasn't left the house since she stopped driving, and though she claims to be independent, she can't even climb more than about a half a step anymore, and can't go to her mailbox at the end of the driveway.... She ISN'T and hasn't been independent in some time. Even so, I suspect that she will not last long in the assisted living facility, even though it is where she needs to be. She's stubborn, and always said that she'd leave the house in a casket before she'd move again.
I will be driving to Texas next week, and will probably return RIGHT before I go to NYC for a week. I wouldn't normally drive to Dallas for something like this, but I get all of Gramma's china, and I'm not shipping it or flying with it - it's too fragile, and there's too much of it. So I have to drive to get it and get it home. It will be lovely to have my grandmother's things and not have them associated with her passing away for me to get them, and it will be GREAT to see my family, even if the circumstances are not the most exciting.
I'm mostly stressed because I know that I'm losing my grandmother even though I know we're doing the right thing, and I also think I may lose my job over this unexpected trip. I am planning on leaving anyway, but I had planned on doing so on my own terms, too. I have a feeling they aren't going to look at this with too much understanding. I could be wrong, but I won't know until I talk with the Operations Manager.
I woke up at 6:55 pm tonight. Not good, since I was supposed to be in acting class by 7. I made it by 7:25, though, which worked out fine. Class was just getting started, so I didn't miss anything. I felt a little discombobulated, but settled down as we did more exercises. I had fun with some character work tonight, and managed to do one thing better than I've ever done it before in the nearly two years I've been studying with this acting coach. So I feel like I finally broke through something there.
I also did my monologue tonight, and my coach loved it. Thinks it's a great monologue for me (it isa good one for me, even though- or maybe BECAUSE it is such a stretch for me). Got some great feedback on how to continue to work it to make it more real and more emotional.
We also did a quick scene from "The Spitfire Grill", which I didn't remember seeing until my coach gave us the backstory on it. It's a powerful scene, and we're supposed to bring it back memorized next week. I also have to bring back my monologue. Lots to do this week to work on this stuff!
Men. Don't know what the latest is with the man I've had three dates with, but I'm going to have to stop mentioning them here, because it seems that the minute I say something, they disappear! We'll see if that's the case, but it's looking that way so far. I can't complain, though, at least I'm not spending 6 months or more with the wrong guy now - it might be three dates, two dates, a phone call, etc., but I'd rather know they are the wrong man sooner rather than later! I do have a brunch date lined up for this weekend, another eharmony match.
I've been really paying attention to what is giving me any kind of reaction, and trying to avoid it if I notice anything after eating it. Soy yogurt gave me a mild reaction, but only one particular brand, so I don't think it is the soy itself, but something in that brand.... Noticed this tonight during a break in class when I wolfed down some almonds, blueberries, bananas, and yogurt all mixed up together. It might have been the almonds, but I think it was the yogurt, since I had almonds earlier in the day and didn't have any noticeable reactions.
I ate a banana and a bunch of cherries and some almonds when I got home from work yesterday, and then ate a piece of spelt toast with almond butter on it.
I had no time to cook for work tonight since I got up late, and only had time to fry and egg and eat it off a piece of toast before heading out the door to work. I threw together some pineapple juice and egg protein powder for a shake lunch, and tossed my spelt bread and almond butter in my bag, too. I've also got more of my yogurt and fruit and nut mix, and I'll try to narrow down the reaction and see if it really is the yogurt or those almonds.
I walked my mile last night, and did a few stretches once I got home yesterday morning. Tonight I'll walk another mile or so, and tomorrow evening will probably do my first real yoga workout in over three weeks because of my neck injury. I'm still not 100%, and won't be doing any shoulderstands anytime soon, but can do most everything else.
The weekend should be good. I'm going to go hear a friend's band play Friday night - I've been trying to go see them play for months, and kept having things come up. So tomorrow I'll FINALLY get to see them. Saturday I think I might spend the day at the movies, or I'll rent a few movies. Sunday is supposed to be brunch, and then I have to go to a film festival in the afternoon, and I HAVE to go. I was in TWO of the films they're showing! These were both filmed over a year ago, and they are finally finished, so I'll be excited to see the finished products.
When I got to work tonight and checked my email, this awaited me:
"As a present or past user of eHarmony.com I want to inform you that one of your matches, Stan from Redondo Beach, has been removed from the eharmony service for alleged violations of the eHarmony.com terms and conditions of use as stated in the eHarmony user agreement. eHarmony.com disclaims any responsibility or liability if you choose to have any future contact with Stan."
I'm glad to see that they take complaints seriously!
The rest of today was busy - I closed out my PO Box because the customer service at that PO is terrible - I've had employees be incredibly rude to me, telling me 'not to worry about it' when a package was missing, they've lost some of my mail, returned packages for no apparent reason, etc. So I closed it out.
Then I came home, and Anne came over for a few minutes and we chatted - she wanted to know if I could run errands with her, but I already had plans to have lunch with a friend of mine who works at Disney, so I couldn't. But I did have about 30 minutes to talk with her, and then I had to get to Burbank. My friend and I had a delightful lunch, and got caught up on each other's lives. She's moving this weekend, and has two little kids, her hubby is changing jobs, etc., so we had lots to talk about! We went to a favorite restaurant of ours, The Golden Chicken, and we both had the lamb shawarma plates. Lamb, rice, hummous, and a big salad. Yummmmmmm.
After lunch I went to the mall and bought two shirts I've had my eye on for some time. I was shocked and pleased to discover that the size 8 tops fit me better than the 10s. Who knew? The size 10 PANTS still fit, though.... When I can get my behind into a size 8 pair of pants then I'll know I'm where I want to be weight-wise. The tops are a good start, though!
I got home at 3, well past time for me to go to sleep. I was in bed by 3:15, and out cold shortly thereafter. Got about 6 hours of sleep when the phone in the kitchen woke me up. I'd forgotten to turn it off. I wasn't too upset though, because it was my date from Saturday evening calling to see how I was. We chatted for a few minutes, and then I went back to sleep until 11pm.
In the morning I go back to the chiropractor - I am still having problems with my head and neck from my accident a few weeks ago, and have had a light headache for days. I tried to go in on Friday, but they didn't get my voice mail until yesterday morning, which was odd....
Had a glass of mango lemonade tonight when I got up, and some soy yogurt a few minutes ago. Lamb chop and cherries for lunch and snacks.
With all the computer issues I've been having with my laptop, my mother asked me if my laptop has a revert function. Hunh? Apparently if you really mess something up, newer systems have a function that gets you back to where you were before you did whatever stupid thing you did (intentionally or not) that deleted that file, messed up a program, etc. You can go back ten minutes, an hour, 24 hours, and then NOT make the same mistake.
Sometimes I really wish I could do that with my body - when I think I can get away with eating something I shouldn't, and I'm in so much pain from gas and bloating 5 hours later and I wish I hadn't eaten it. Revert! Revert! Go back to five minutes before I made that mistake and I won't do it again, I swear!
I've done well the last few days in spite of eating out and having the pot luck here at work. My body is telling me much more quickly when I shouldn't eat something, which is great in some ways, and a pain if I WANT to eat something that is bad for me. One of my colleagues brought some brownies last night, and I wanted to see how they were, so I took a small (1 bite) chunk of brownie and ate it. The very second it hit my mouth I coughed, HARD, for two solid minutes. Thought I was going to choke to death! Revert! Revert!
Did enjoy a couple of crabcakes, and though I'm sure there was something in them that wasn't good for me, they were tasty, and far better than most of the other choices available. I did have a few cornchips and a piece of fried chicken, but avoided the rest of the chips, potato salad, desserts and everything else that was there. Even so, I felt heavy and a little bloated when I got home yesterday, and slept for about 10 hours.
I drank a lot of water when I got home, and ate a banana for 'dinner'. Was in bed by 11:30, and slept from noon until 10 pm tonight, and slept really well.
I've been good about walking at work, most every break I have I'll do at least one lap around the building. Last night I walked about a half mile, which is pretty much the least I'll ever walk. Usually I'll get in at least 3/4 of a mile, and I strive to walk a mile per night.
I've got a ton of food in my place right now, and lots of fruit to eat, so I'll be eating that for days, and eating well in general. I've got a banana and cherries for snacks, a lamb chop for lunch, hard boiled eggs, and I think I threw some spinach in there, too, unless I left it on the counter at home.... Already had a fruit smoothie for breakfast, and a cup of soy milk before I left the house. I'll be fine as long as I eat so that I can avoid wishing I had a 'revert' function.