Archives for: May 2004, 18
I have to get out of this night job, and the sooner the better. I was talking with Anne tonight, and told her that I'd noticed that even if I get 10-11 hours of sleep during the day that my mood seems to have declined recently. I'm not depressed per se, but I'm also not my usual perky self. The only thing that has changed is that I'm exercising less (definite mood enhancer) and my schedule is whacked. Now, I've certainly gone through phases of not exercising much (if at all) before, and while it does help with my mood, it doesn't seem to be the issue here. I think that my circadian rhythms are so out of whack that it is bringing me down emotionally, too.
For a couple months on this job, I remembered none of my dreams. The parasite one last week was weird, and I've been having vivid, weird dreams almost daily since then. And none of them have been dreams that were terribly pleasant (though the parasite one was the worst of them). Another indication of my mood? I don't know, but generally my dreams are not THAT far out there....
My diet is pretty much the same, my weight is stable, and I'm basically taking care of myself, and even still getting some exercise (though not as much as before). So the only thing that's left is the hours of the job.
Anne commented that I didn't seem like my usual self lately, and I asked her why she hadn't said anything - she said that it didn't seem pertinent. Great. My best friend, who knows that I have a history of depression, doesn't think my mood changes are pertinent enough to mention until I bring it up. At least I am aware enough of my moods to mention it to HER and tell her that something needs to change!
I'm giving myself until the beginning of July. I need to find something to do that will get me back on the day shift and allow me to support myself. Time for auditions isn't even important at this point - I'll take a 'real' job at this point, then work on the audition thing.
I slept more than 9 hours today, and could not get out of bed to get to an acting meeting tonight that I really needed to go to. I can't miss meetings like this and continue to call myself an actor. I'll never make any progress like this! At least a day job would enable me to get back to a regular schedule and I will be awake for these evening meetings!
When I finally did get out of bed, I ate a lamb chop and two scrambled eggs and spelt toast with almond butter and fruit conserve. Yum.
Then Anne and I ran an errand, and I came into work.
I keep telling myself that this is short-term. I won't be living like this much longer. I can't.